"I almost died! My pant hole was full of pant!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Tripping while getting his pants on. )

"Instead of full of hole?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Don’t stick your finger in it!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his daughter, concerning a cat )

"I treat you like garbage because I love you and I don’t want you to miss me while you’re gone."

-Mike Sheppard ( Helping his wife prepare for a vacation without him )

"..and it makes you walk like a whore!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Finishing a lengthy defense of women wearing high heels )

"What kinda business are they running? They’re not going to get many repeat customers if they keep asking for payment."

-Mike Sheppard ( Never ran a successful business. )

"If you don't do what I'll say I'll make you say what I do!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Laying down the law with his daughter )

"Did I spell Vagisil right? It’s underlined…"

-Mike Sheppard ( Quoting Eli Rieck )

"We're not making fun of you. It just seems like we are."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, and they totally were making fun of her. )

"I hate your guts and I’ve got your liver!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On taking organ transplants from enemies )

"So, what’s your favorite form of matter?"

-Mike Sheppard ( His daughter is learning about matter in science class )

"Well…I just made gas…"

-Lucy Sheppard ( True, but not helpful )

"I lost my sense of decency"

-Mike Sheppard ( On which of the five senses he’d prefer to lose. )

"It’s a lot more fun to bury a body."

-Mike Sheppard

"I like to complain more than I like to care."

-Mike Sheppard

"If these stories are true, the Jews have been horribly mistreated."

-Mike Sheppard ( On reading the Maccabees. )

"His kids talked too much."

-Mike Sheppard ( On why Beethoven went deaf. )

"This is California. I get to tax you twice."

-Mike Sheppard ( While stealing M&Ms from his daughter. )

"That is the primary difference between a duck and a wolf."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his daughter concerning animal sounds. )

"I value our marriage enough to give you a fictional fish."

-Mike Sheppard ( Sweet talking his wife. )

"We’re going to have a new family sock policy. I’m going to check your feet three times a day, and if you’re not wearing at least two socks on two different feet I’m going to staple a sock to your forehead!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Laying down the sock law to his kids. )

"That seems harsh."

-Henry Sheppard ( He’s not wrong. )

"Knowing how fat you are doesn't help."

-Mike Sheppard

"Machismo! I’ve got Machismo! Would you like to see my Machismo?"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"Sure"

-Kristin Sheppard ( She had never sounded so bored in her life. )

"I...I wasn’t prepared for that answer..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Unsure how to proceed. )

"People would laugh at us. They’d say, “Hey! Look at those corpses!”"

-Mike Sheppard ( On being swept out to sea to drown. )

"HAW HAW!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laughing at corpses. )

"He’s having pre-teen angst."

-Kristin Sheppard

"You having some pre-teen angst Henry? Would you like me to get you a cream for it?"

-Mike Sheppard

"100% of people who drown in salt water touch it first!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to keep his kids out of the Ocean )

"Don’t do that Lucy. You will blind yourself. TO DEATH!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Only in one eye!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( True but stupid. )

"We sat on our dead cat for a year."

-Mike Sheppard ( Showing compassion )

"Apparently in tea parties there are winners and losers."

-Mike Sheppard ( Lost the tea race to his daughter. )

"All he does is come down here, not work on the puzzle and criticize my song!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Grumping that his son didn’t care for his singing )

"I was about to criticize it too."

-Henry Sheppard ( Tough room. )

"I have multiple personalities and THEY'RE ALL ME!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Notoriously difficult to diagnose. )

"You kids don’t use the word ‘Hankering’ enough."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his children, on their grammatical faux pas )

"Like the dickens they don’t!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Did not approve of where the conversation was going. )

"That doesn’t seem like something you should say out loud."

-Mike Sheppard ( About a term for train hopping hobos )

"Well that’s what they were!!"

-Brian Blood

"Henry, don’t be pedantic."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his pedantic child. )

"You do it to me!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I learned it by watching you Dad!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This is your brain on pedanticism... )

"Finally a girl!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A 10 year old boy. )

"Why do you need a girl?"

-Mike Sheppard ( The boy’s father. )

"So I can breed!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He was playing Pokémon. )

"Yeah, well you married a loser."

-Mike Sheppard ( Winning an argument against his wife. )

"We need a stake and some wood Dad!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Why?"

-Mike Sheppard

"So we can burn the winner!"

-Henry Sheppard ( The victor has earned their place in Valhalla. )

"You’re so old you’re losing your memory!"

-Henry Sheppard

"You’re so young you remember things that didn’t happen!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Whaaat?!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Can’t seem to tell if his Dad is joking or not. )

"I can’t win at life but I can certainly throw stuff in the garbage can."

-Mike Sheppard ( On his awesome tossing stuff across the room into the trash skills )

"I wonder what it’s like playing the game with adults?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After playing a long, involved board game with his children. )

"Fun."

-Kristin Sheppard

"When I die people will look at me and say...that didn’t look pleasant."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the inevitability of the future. )

"Remember that ‘People of Walmart’ website? That was the meanest site I ever …"

-Mike Sheppard

"Laughed at."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Yeah."

-Mike Sheppard

"Whatever she wants to do. As long as I get fed."

-Mike Sheppard ( On his wife’s employment opportunities. )

"You’ve denied my nuts twice."

-Mike Sheppard ( Offering food to the hungry. )

"Your body is revolting!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, relating to an illness. )

"In about 15 minutes I'll be getting a text from my wife asking if summer is over yet."

-Mike Sheppard ( 10 minutes before the kids get home for summer break. )

"The department can’t force you to stay with your wife! Call HR!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On business trips with your spouse. )

"When you come to a fork in the road you should take it."

-Mike Sheppard ( Dad advice. )

"Especially when it’s made of silver!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Random Acupuncture : Sooner or later we’ll hit your Chi!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On his upcoming retirement business slogan )

"Maybe you are looking at them from the wrong angle."

-Mike Sheppard ( You don't want to know )

"When can I get something funny up there?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Wants to get on the quote board )

"When you say something funny."

-Mike Sheppard ( Standards must be upheld )

"Helmi [the cat] isn't a feline she's a Canine."

-Henry Sheppard ( Trying too hard. )

"That's not funny."

-Mike Sheppard

"You laughed."

-Henry Sheppard

"I laughed at how stupid it was not how funny it was."

-Mike Sheppard ( Dad's being brutal )

"When I’m sick the last people I want to be around are my family and when they are sick the last people I want to be around are my family."

-Mike Sheppard ( Families are so good )

"I invented you with my genius!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his bright, friendly and fun to be around daughter )

"That’s not what you used."

-Kristin Sheppard ( The child’s mother. )

"It was the ‘90s! People didn’t know any better!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On the bizarre pop music of the past )

"I knew better."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I guess Teddy’s going to sleep outside with the rampaging jackalopes"

-Mike Sheppard ( Worried about his son who was locked outside. )

"Oh no! We have to save him from the jackalopes!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Worried for her brother )

"...because your mom might become enraged and end all life on earth!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Scaring the kids )

"On no! That sounds bad!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Properly scared )

"I’d hate to be your toilet if you ate 8."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On high fiber energy bars. )

"You’d love to be my toilet otherwise?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I never want to be your toilet."

-Kristin Sheppard

"It’s not sushi it’s a vasectomy..."

-Mike Sheppard

"I’m going to take you home, hold you upside down and put you in the toilet."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his filthy daughter who needed a bath )

"Then you wouldn’t have me anymore!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Only if we flushed... )

"We don’t ‘hang’ we just coexist."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, on the difference between friendship and marriage. )

"I had a son who I missed so I put some cinnamon rolls in his spot and I found I didn’t miss him as much."

-Mike Sheppard

"Great speech Dad"

-Henry Sheppard ( The prodigal son returns )

"Owww. Why do I have a spine?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Complaining about old man pains )

"Because you’re a vertebrate?"

-Henry Sheppard ( He’s not wrong... )

"Daddy, do you remember what dinosaurs look like?"

-Lucy Sheppard

"I’m not that old Honey."

-Mike Sheppard

"Were you afraid of them when you were a little boy?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Not taking a hint. )

"The less I know the more I don’t."

-Mike Sheppard

"Now I know less."

-Eli Rieck

"Daddy needs to eat lunch. He can't survive on love alone."

-Mike Sheppard ( Detaching himself from his daughter who was in a hugging mood. )

"Everyone dies Dad."

-Lucy Sheppard

"Where are they going?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don’t know. To the future?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( While watching a movie. )

"That is the downside of being you."

-Mike Sheppard ( To His wife, on her responsibility for cleaning everything. )

"That’s the key - once you give up you always succeed. No wait! Don’t take that lesson home with you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Backpedaling on his fatherly advice. )

"People and Vegetables must be as one!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On plant unity )

"Snipers have jump jets. Trust me, I play one on the internet!"

-Mike Sheppard ( The snipers on TV seem to cover ground very quickly )

"That’s not amazing. "

-Lucy Sheppard ( About living, walking jump ropes. )

"What’s Amazing?"

-Mike Sheppard

"THESE COOL MOVES!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Begins dancing / Kung fu fighting )

"Do you think that AR is going to be the next big thing or a fad?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Fad"

-Theodore Sheppard

"How about Virtual Reality? Do you think that VR will be the next big thing or a fad?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Fad"

-Theodore Sheppard

"So what do you think the next big thing will be?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Fidget spinners."

-Theodore Sheppard ( After considerable thought. )

"Maybe instead of emerging as fully formed human beings children could begin as grubs with a sort of a straw that sucks the life out of you. They could develop arms, legs and talking mouths later."

-Mike Sheppard ( On building a better tomorrow )

"You've clearly never nursed a baby."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Someday I will go extinct and it will be up you you boys and your sister to remember everything that I have ever told you. "

-Mike Sheppard

"What did you just say?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Wasn't listening )

"Every Chicken has a mango. Every mango has a dream. "

-Mike Sheppard

"A dream to become a chicken. "

-Steve Kollmansberger ( And the circle has become complete. )

"Do you want to see a video about one of the most beautiful places on earth?"

-Mike Sheppard

"If you say 'My Pants' I'm out. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Fortunately they could still hear my screams. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Not all childhood memories are pleasant. )

"It looks like it has a wall. What kinds of buildings have walls?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On a new construction project off the freeway )

"A hotel?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( The only viable option )

"Dinner is for people who eat all their cookies."

-Mike Sheppard ( Wait. . . What? )

"Will Luke [Skywalker] die in the next movie?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah, because he has a beard like Obi Wan."

-Henry Sheppard ( Facial hair: the Achilles heel of Jedi knights )

"You are like an Eel covered in Vaseline. That just ate a pig that was also covered in Vaseline. That had also eaten nothing but Vaseline. For like a week. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his recently over-moisturized daughter )

"In this fictional world of Jelly you would be the Peanut Butter Queen!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to convince his wife to get a pool of Jelly )

"Teddy, who would win: a Viking or a ninja?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Me!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"Dairy and gluten are my bread and butter. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Complaining about the food choices available on the Whole 30 diet. )

"I don't think I'll be able to forget one shoe and the nose picker for the rest of my days!"

-Mike Sheppard ( People watching at the opera. )

"Has it been five minutes since we left [the mall]?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Yes."

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't have to go to the bathroom!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On peeing every five minutes. )

"The more of this cider I drink the more I like it. That is the mark of a good alcohol. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his first batch of hard cider )

"And bad alcohol. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Josh is right."

-Mike Sheppard ( It doesn't happen often.. )

"I have something important to say to you!!"

-Henry Sheppard

"What is it?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Teddy peed in a bowl!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Tattling on his little brother )

"I don't think I'll feel really old until we have his and her pill boxes. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On aging )

"My ph is off balance! I'm turning acidic! I'm melting away in my own juices!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Freaking out a bit )

"I'm going to wake up one morning and next to me in bed will be nothing but a puddle and some dental fillings. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Didn't sound overly concerned. )

"I only wish you would do more things for me sarcastically. "

-Mike Sheppard ( A willing spirit is not needed )

"You're drinking herbal tea. It doesn't have any of the benefit of drinking caffeine, and none of the flavor of eating pure sugar."

-Mike Sheppard ( Pointing out the herbal tea is ridiculous )

"I'm nagging you to nag me!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On if reminding someone to do something counts as nagging. )

"They're like little morons. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On babies. )

"The more you look at something the more it looks the same as it did before. "

-Mike Sheppard

"That is very true."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( Said sadly )

"You were just thinking of your wife, weren't you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Question met only with incessant laughter )

"At that point it's just four guys hugging each other. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On tackling the Seahawks )

"Henry! What is best in life?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Going to school!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( That attitude will change. )

"Your husband doesn't think that you're the most beautiful woman in the world. He only says that to mollify you."

-Mike Sheppard ( Making new friends )

"You apparently have not heard the legend of the amply bosomed Belgian belles of Belfast?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Belgian Brassieres )

"Brussels. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( That would have made more sense. )

"If you send the Incredible Hulk a letter for Christmas instead of Santa Claus do you know what you get?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Asking his 3-year old son )

"TOENAIL FUNGUS!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Didn't give her son a chance to answer )

"But on the bright side the eight is just a three."

-Mike Sheppard ( On an awesome new numbering system )

"Do you know who Abraham Lincoln is?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I saw him in the Lego movie!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( In the future there is only Lego )

"We wouldn't do it if you all weren't so HOT!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, on the objectification of women )

"You wouldn't do it if you all weren't such pigs!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Want to see the easy way down the stairs Dad?"

-Theodore Sheppard

"What's the easy way?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sliding on your tummy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Sounds legit )

"I've got a castle on a cloud. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Sung in a very bad falsetto )

"[silence]"

-Everyone else in the car

"Well, that ended the conversation. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Now knows how to clear a room )

"I'm going to count your ears! 1...2...3...5!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"You're being silly. There are only 3!"

-Henry Sheppard ( There are? )

"That's what they don't tell you about economics - sometimes when you are married you aren't allowed to have some things. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On supply, demand and ultra-light helicopters. )

"Just because you were being a jerk doesn't mean you should apologize."

-Mike Sheppard ( Mike doesn't have a lot of friends. )

"That's because they are so burned out on life that they forget to die!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On women with larger families living longer )

"Is there anything I can do without my right hand?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Lamenting his Carpal tunnel while his wife snickered )

"Do you feel loved?"

-Mike Sheppard

"No"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Do you feel weirded out?"

-Mike Sheppard

"A little bit..."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I would like to point out that the world is almost comfortable with the concept of orgy pants. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Spoken by another person in a dream )

"Weird Al shouldn't count. He's actually pretty mainstream for being weird. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the weird bands Mike listens to )

"Hey boys - if you're going to fight go do it where someone won't get hurt. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his sons )

"Are you going to eat the rest of your bagel Teddy?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Genuinely curious )

"Yeah! Then I will poop on its head forever!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Not sure who 'it' is but I hope it's no one I know. )

"They never let poor Rudolph"

-Mike Sheppard ( Singing Christmas songs with his boys )

"LIKE CANASTA!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Said after every line in the song )

"Play in any reindeer games!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Gestures to Theodore )

"[Silence]"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Like Canasta?"

-Mike Sheppard

"YEAH!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Can you bludgeon me do death with this please?"

-Mike Sheppard

"But then who will bludgeon me?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Two sick parents with two healthy children )

"Why is it that things that are 'medically necessary' for you are all things that sound illegal for me?"

-Mike Sheppard ( About massages )

"Teddy and my relationship transcends common sense."

-Mike Sheppard ( About his 2 year old son )

"That describes most of your relationships."

-Kristin Sheppard

"These are real people honey! They are showing real people! You can tell because they are sooooo ugly!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Impressed by a commercial )

"Once drug money has been funneled through a spider-goat, it's clean money!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On how to launder money )

"I'd rather have Beer in a jar than Ketchup in a bottle."

-Mike Sheppard ( On a jar filled future. )

"Marriage sounded pretty good until I found out that the other person is a completely autonomous human being."

-Mike Sheppard

"The NSA will use all of their space lasers to give people vasectomies from orbit!"

-Mike Sheppard ( He meant to say 'Lobotomies' )

"You found a forge in a field?"

-Mike Sheppard

"With a Llama and a Goat!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Of course! )

"Maybe, if it seems the world is out to get you, it's because you suck. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On self fulfilling prophecies )

"Did you hear that dadda?"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Yes. Was that you?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah! It can from my bottom!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Looking very proud of himself. )

"Squirrel suits and cannons dear. Squirrel suits and cannons. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his vision of commuting in the future )

"Then it got so long I couldn't shave it!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On growing a beard. )

"You are my honey and you are sweeter than any sugar!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"And you are dorkier than any whale penis. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Never learned to take a compliment. )

"It's more tragic when the man dies! Then the woman is left destitute AND sad!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Hollywood tragedies where the woman dies )

"The moral of this story is : Don't let Daddy tell stories without first drafting an outline. "

-Mike Sheppard ( The story took a wrong turn. )

"There's food here. It's me!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Cannibals rarely run out of munchies )

"I gotta tell you Henry, during tank top season it pays to be tall. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son, on the benefits of height. )

"You can't do anything for me! I just want to sit here and cry!!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( It was late, and he was tired. )

"And suddenly Henry has become a woman."

-Mike Sheppard

"Without a cake it's just us giving Matt a tube and playing risk. But with a cake it's a birthday party!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Party planning 101 )

"If I take you there will you take your top off?"

-Mike Sheppard ( His wife was planning vacations again. )

"YES"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The Sheppard's are going on vacation! )

"I want a blue bike for Christmas!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I thought you wanted a bike for your birthday."

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh I do. I've been tricking myself."

-Henry Sheppard

"You two kids do seem to be stupidly happy all the time. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his kids, on the joys of childhood )

"Need step stool daddy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Dragging a step stool larger than himself behind him )

"What for?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't know!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"I want some M&Ms. Murder makes me hungry. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While watching a murder mystery. )

"No Henry, we don't say 'Poo-Pop' mouth. What we do do is eat our dinner!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laying down the law! )

"That's right Henry! We 'doodoo' our dinner!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Not helping. )

"Did you remember to coat your body with superglue in all the parts they weren't supposed to touch?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Josh's recent medical procedure )

"Is it a bad time to tell you where the rubber glove is hanging from?"

-Joshua Hudson

"Maybe they don't know its cold.. Tree's are stupid."

-Mike Sheppard ( Planting Trees In The Winter )

"I think that's a good case for polygamy. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On needing a designated driver )

"We're stuck in the building. It's time to create a new society."

-Mike Sheppard ( It's been snowing for 15 minutes. )

"Henry! Stop that or Daddy will destroy all life on earth!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Parenting at it's finest. )

"No!!!! Don't destroy all life on earth!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Henry saved the world )

"Henry, can I tell you a joke?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to distract his son from SADNESS )

"No!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not falling for it )

"A horse walked into a bar! The bartender took one look at the horse and said : "MOOOOOO!""

-Mike Sheppard ( Telling a 'joke' anyway )

"I not like that!"

-Henry Sheppard ( The sentiment was unanimous around the house )

"My green hoodie doubles as formal wear. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Attempting to crash an Icelandic wedding )

"There's a Zamboni in the Lobby!"

-Mike Sheppard

"This is Iceland..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( At the Iceland Airport )

"[Listen to Daddy] or I will destroy you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his youngest son Teddy )

"No! Don't destroy Teddy! He's my brother!"

-Henry Sheppard ( With a very concerned look on his face. )

"Should you ever eat a cat Henry?"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"No!!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Of course you should! If it's delicious!"

-Mike Sheppard

"No cat's delicious!"

-Henry Sheppard ( How does he know? )

"You think of them as being 'Funny talking Americans' but they really are their own culture. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the British )

"I'd give you meat but it's hard. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While dishing up Taco meat at dinner!! )

"That's what she said!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Touche )

"I don't think being independently wealthy would be all bad. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Looking on the bright side of fabulous wealth. )

"Our car isn't dirty so we don't need to go to the car wash. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"Yes are do!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Really wanted to go to the car wash )

"You're usually so well groomed!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife. That was the wrong thing to say. )

"No Thomas for you!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not sharing Thomas the train with his brother. )

"No Soup for you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Henry didn't get the Seinfeld reference. )

"He might not have said 'Cousin-Humpin' but everything else was pretty close."

-Mike Sheppard ( On political gaffes )

"I know, it's tough to be happy when you're sad."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his 1 year old son )

"No need to make the men folk stand. Was that out loud??"

-Mike Sheppard ( Yes it was )

"Why don't my kids take my threats seriously?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After his threats were met with laughter )

"Because you named your arms thunder and lightning?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Henry, you need to give Teddy that Thor hair back!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Serious threats from a serious dad )

"Todd, you've got two balls in your other hand!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Do you know what also has the pH of tears? Orphan tears!! And you don't see me dumping those in my eyes!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sure, You don't know where those orphans eyes have been."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing her sensitive side )

"Josh - I need to borrow your secret back door..."

-Mike Sheppard ( They knew what he meant )

"Nothin's funnier than looking dim witted. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On Sheppard humor )

"Scandinavians can eat as many pigs as they want!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Dietary Restrictions )

"It is hard to believe you're not pure evil. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his black cat )

"I am neither man nor woman! I AM NEUTER!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( ?!?!?!? )

"Kids. Can't live with them, can't sell them."

-Mike Sheppard

"Especially in Washington! Human trafficking laws just got MUCH worse."

-Joshua Hudson

"Mark, I need your laptop and ten minutes to myself!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sounds like me and the cup!"

-Joshua Hudson ( ... )

"Scott Moffitt's [on TV], Henry! You can't make this stuff up!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Why would you?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I had to explain this to [Suneetha], there are three levels of friends. Acquantainces, Friends and Walking Buddies."

-Joshua Hudson ( On Friendship )

"Where's your wife?"

-Mike Sheppard

"....Friend!"

-Joshua Hudson ( After quite a bit of thought )

"I don't think I want to talk to you about aliens anymore.."

-Mike Sheppard ( Josh admitted his new career.. )

"I couldn't hear you over the sound of me obeying. "

-Mike Sheppard

"Henry! No! You do not put cheese in Optimus Prime!"

-Mike Sheppard ( A warning to a toddler )

"Honey - I have some code and I really want it in the Linux kernel..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Implying his wife had the 'skills' necessary to get the code included )

"I don't like beards!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Putting an end to her husbands ambitions )

"My wife insists on a piano made out of actual wood and books made out of actual paper. She is a menace to trees! "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the difficulties of adapting to the digital age )

"And then when she's destroyed the planet and there's nothing left to eat but people, well she doesn't endorse that either!"

-Bill Reynolds

"He charged me too much for a crappy OS and took away my favorite parking space."

-Mike Sheppard ( While speaking of Bill Gates and his new foundation HQ )

"If I were a vampire I would not drink your blood because I want you to survive from day to day."

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to be romantic, and failing )

"You could drink it a little.."

-Kristin Sheppard ( That's love?? )

"I want to wear this Playstation as a codpiece!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On the clothing he'd buy during his free shopping spree )

"Mommy is going to get Tourette's Henry!"

-Mike Sheppard

"BOOBIES!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Henry, don't shove underwear in your brothers ears. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While parenting )

"You're dying because you don't have good enough coconuts?"

-Mike Sheppard

"It doesn't take too much to kill me."

-Suneetha B.

"For two millennia women's looks have been placed above their intelligence!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her morning feminist rant )

"What do you know about it? You're a woman. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Grounds for a divorce )

"The thing I don't understand is how could I put so much crap into my body and get so much awesomeness out of it?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On his diet in college )

"That's what I like about you. You're not dim."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"It's like having a friend that you can eat if you get really hungry."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the reason why hobos keep pets )

"Do you want a new diaper or do you want your head chopped off?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to trick a toddler )

"Head chopped off!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not falling for it )

"50 cents is nothing!! I can find more than that on the street!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"That's funny, because I lose more than that on the street. Can I have my money back?"

-Joshua Hudson

"I would be slaughtered."

-Joshua Hudson ( Stating what would happen if he bought a new gaming keyboard )

"I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but if you buy one I'll buy one."

-Mike Sheppard ( Practicing his skills at being a bad influence )

"Mutually assured destruction!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Still undecided )

"There is an absence or an presence.... A dark presence...."

-Mike Sheppard ( On determining gender through Ultrasounds )

"That's what I call it!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Didn't understand the "presence" )

"You can name the left one Flint and the Right one Gary. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Naming his wife's body parts ( knees ) )

"Your meat bucket is running low. "

-Mike Sheppard ( At Nathan Goff's BBQ )

"Would you rather put up with the smell for five seconds or have a cranky husband all afternoon?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Marriage is hard )

"Do you know what you mother would do if a coyote caught you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Asking his son the obvious question while watching a nature video )

"Rip its heart out. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Don't mess with Alaskans )

"I passive-aggressively said 'Teddy would like you to stop singing.'"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining how her statement was not nagging )

"That's the same as nagging!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"You hate doing outdoor-sy things..."

-Mike Sheppard ( His wife had expressed a desire to do outdoor-sy things after looking in a catalog of people doing outdoor-sy things )

"I know, but if I had these clothes..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Never saw a dollar she didn't want to spend )

"Henry, put down the blowtorch."

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh, he's fine. The gas is non-toxic."

-Eli Rieck

"Life is pain Henry. So are Hemmeroids, but there is a cream for that. There is no cream for life."

-Mike Sheppard ( Fatherly advice at it's best. )

"It reminded me of watching one of those snakes unhinge it's jaw so it could eat an entire rat. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On watching child birth. )

"Bile. Everyone produces bile. "

-Mike Sheppard ( His anniversary speech went very, very wrong )

"If it weren't for our dang religion I'd have two wives. One I liked, and YOU!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his 9 month pregnant wife. )

"So, if I was a quadriplegic you'd check my diapers?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'd do more than check your diapers [wink wink]!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Just because I fold paper occasionally it doesn't mean I need a [paper] trebuchet!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Words lost on people who didn't want to hear it. )

"Hot honey will make you hungry?"

-Mike Sheppard ( They made him say it. )

"You are not a racist if you hate everyone..."

-Mike Sheppard ( True, but you'd still be a jerk! )

"No Henry. Mommy's not putting those in her nose again. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry brought his mommy some miniature toy milk cartons. )

"...again?"

-Mike Sheppard ( What's up with that? )

"It's kind of a weird phase he's going through. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his son's recent habit of putting his feet on the dinner table while eating )

"I believe it's called childhood."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Correct, as usual. )

"It's not illegal to kill a desk."

-Aaron Hutchinson

"It's not illegal to kill a man!"

-Mike Sheppard ( I don't think he understood the argument )

"You can't say jokes while I'm eating a potato!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Cheeseburger! )

"Where are you going to find a shotgun at this time of night?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After being threatened by his wife )

"Don't tempt me!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Good advice - She's Alaskan )

"Google voice is out! You can now make calls from your.... phone."

-Mike Sheppard ( Excited! )

"You can also text from your phone!"

-Joshua Hudson

"You're showing me up with all your fancy knowledge."

-Mike Sheppard ( Not happy with his subordinate )

"You're right!"

-Joshua Hudson

"I want him to go to bed so I can start eating candy. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On parenthood's drawbacks )

"I was promised a big pile of pork, and I want it!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Mike angered that Dion has not come through )

"You played with Aunt John?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Josh has weird hobbies. )

"I thought Duke Nukem would be funner on the iPad..."

-Mike Sheppard

"MORE fun!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Correcting her husband mid-sentence )

"Up yours!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Doesn't like to be interrupted )

"There's nothing right about spanking kitties Henry!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Except how fun it is."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not all bad advice comes from Dad )

"Excellent question. "

-Chuck Dorsett ( Followed by several moments of uncomfortable silence. )

"Excellent question. Moving on. "

-Mike Sheppard

"So I took my laser apparatus home yesterday, and my wife was unimpressed."

-Mike Sheppard

"Your lifestyle offends me!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Two others agree... )

"As well it should..."

-Aaron Hutchinson ( Settling the matter )

"Your words are like music to me."

-Mike Sheppard

"I am hot and cold at the same time, and my body aches!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Horrible complaining music..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Reflecting fondly )

"I love you. Let us die. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Too much Opera lately )

"Do you want to take you know who on a you know what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Can I first do you know what you know where?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"They do both wear tons of makeup and have over-exaggerated body parts..."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the similarities between clowns and Victoria's Secret models )

"There are worse reasons [than pity] to get married. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Defending herself? )

"Like what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Spite. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Leaving her husband afraid and confused. )

"[My computer animation class] was one of the silliest things I've ever been involved in. Definitely in the top 10."

-Mike Sheppard

"Our marriage ranks #2!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I guess it's not raining, I don't need my pants!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Washington weather, you never really know.. )

"I had to move my balls over there..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Explaining Ball Placement )

"For Juggling!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Clearing up Josh's confusion. )

"What show is that?"

-Scott Hamilton ( During a 3G streaming video demo )

"The Devil Wears Prada!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"The demo became less cool Mike. "

-Scott Hamilton

"If anyone asks, ‘Excelsior’ is our team’s code-word for “This application has been thoroughly checked and I approve it’s deployment”. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Covering All Bases )

"I've got this unusual..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Things not to say in the 'Reason for Sick Leave' box )

"There's this burning sensation..."

-Joshua Hudson ( Helping out )

"It's green and I don't know why..."

-Mike Sheppard

"My doctor says I shouldn't have played with it!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Going one step too far )

"Man, your hardware is so good."

-Mike Sheppard ( To Mr. Hutchinson )

"I wish I had your hardware."

-Joshua Hudson ( Jealous of the Droid )

"Hey! Don't love on my face!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't even care. If the guy's name is Q-Tip I'm not keeping his video."

-Mike Sheppard ( While deleting unnecessary video files from iTunes. )

"Pretty soon everyone will have hot dogs for their iPhones."

-Mike Sheppard

"Can I make up goals for you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After being told his goal for the day was vacuuming )

"No. That's how marriage works. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Keeping her man in line. )

"I've always wanted to know what a natural woman felt like."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While listening to Aretha Franklin )

"I'd like to watch you feel one!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't usually go to sites that have girls with boobs."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining why she doesn't have Adblock installed )

"You go to those boobless girl sites?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Wondering about the alternatives )

"Yes"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I'm gonna go get myself some 30-06 rounds, some 16-guage rounds and some BB's."

-Mike Rieck

"For the kids?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Those places always sound cooler than they actually are."

-Mike Sheppard ( Discussing bikini bars )

"Would you rather smell like a [sandwich] or Playdoh?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Playdoh! I don't want to smell like salami."

-Shaya Noorassa

"Will you still be sad eleven years after I die?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Would I be married to an Italian Count and living in Tuscany?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I'm going to think manly thoughts."

-Mike Sheppard ( Posing in a manly, pensive pose. )

"You're clearly not thinking anything."

-Kristin Sheppard ( She could tell )

"I don't have my pants."

-Mike Sheppard ( Explaining to his wife why he can't find his wallet )

"That was my interpretation of becoming more, seeing farther...transcendence!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( After doing an interpretive dance with his hands )

"That was my interpretation of the crap you just said!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Making a gesture of her own )

"The dildo won you the car. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Eli's tale of woe was horrifying )

"You're doing a good job. The pieces are very symmetric. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While supervising his wife cutting a pizza )

"Keep this in mind for my annual review."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Quite sarcastically. )

"Jesus is coming soon."

-Mike Soukkala ( Reading the sign at a Church in Lahaina, HI )

"So much for the Luau."

-Mike Sheppard ( Upset about missing out on dinner. )

"How will he learn if we don't let him choke?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On teaching children to chew their food )

"Oh no Henry! Grandma took your knife! Now how will you fight the ninjas?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After giving his son a steak knife )

"He can use his dolly. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Clearly she doesn't understand ninjas )

"Honey! The ninjas will laugh at him!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Fearing the worst )

"It wasn't someone with crazy hair.. It was a lion!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Office observations. )

"Smell this before you go to bed."

-Mike Sheppard ( Sadly, she refused. )

"Henry's first word is going to be 'Mama'. His second word is going to be 'That guy who lives with Mama'."

-Mike Sheppard ( lamenting that his son prefers 'Mama )

"You can exaggerate a little, I can exaggerate a little. That's how marriage works. It's a compromise."

-Mike Sheppard

"OF LIES!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( not a fan of compromises )

"Your entire package is visible!"

-Mike Sheppard ( to a java programmer )

"Henry was a very easy birth. Look at that tiny head!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah, I'd be willing to pass that too!"

-Todd Ganey

"This game smells like college!"

-Mike Sheppard ( reflecting on the nostalgia of buying vintage games )

"It's so going to happen!"

-Joshua Hudson ( telling Mike about "It )

"You're going to get glasses?"

-Mike Sheppard

"No!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Wait... what's "It"?"

-Mike Sheppard ( still confused about "It )

"I've only been here about an inch."

-Mike Sheppard ( pointing at his water glass )

"I'm trying to be more racist so less people like me."

-Mike Sheppard ( jokingly said I hope )

"Eventually you come to the point where you just give up."

-Mike Sheppard ( speaking to his son Henry )

"That's why I married your Daddy!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( speaking to her son Henry )

"He's been trained but he's not that bright."

-Mike Sheppard

"I love the 'What did you shave' game."

-Mike Sheppard

"It SERIOUSLY got me into trouble at college."

-Joshua Hudson ( agreeing with Mike )

"That's freedom!"

-Mike Sheppard ( approving of one of his son's hobbies )

"Pooping in bed."

-Kristin Sheppard

"What does that say about the human race? That we learn to smile by pooping?"

-Mike Sheppard

"You just reminded me of something!"

-Mike Rieck

"What?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I need to flush the toilet!"

-Mike Rieck

"Why?"

-Eli Rieck

"I was on the phone."

-Mike Rieck

"It's a treat for all the senses!"

-Mike Sheppard ( discussing his butt )

"I've never eaten cheese in the bathroom before!"

-Mike Sheppard

"If you get me cheese [our marriage] is through!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Eli doesn't quote us anymore. We're going to have to start quoting ourselves."

-Mike Sheppard ( quoted by Eli )

"It's just so modern-fangled and hard!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Honey, it's just milk."

-Kristin Sheppard ( objecting to Mike's complaint about the quantity of dairy products on the market )

"I think it's funny how where your two legs attach you have a butt, but where your two arms attach you have a head."

-Mike Sheppard

"Just call me TAMMY. Totally Awesome Manly Man, Yum!"

-Mike Sheppard

"It's the law of depleted minimums!"

-Mike Sheppard ( kristin wasn't fooled )

"I love vanilla bean!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I love vanilla bean!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I love vanilla bean!"

-Mike Sheppard

"You've said that three times!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( objecting to how much Mike loved his dessert )

"You have the butt of a valkyrie!"

-Mike Sheppard ( after some London food had some room shaking results )

"I could never be a French pirate."

-Mike Sheppard

"Time is like farting."

-Mike Sheppard ( a proverb, presented to Mike in a dream )

"Scott, you've just created a ticking time bomb of funny."

-Mike Sheppard ( trying to control disruptive behavior in prayer group )

"I love our tree so much that I'm going to run away with it!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sounds like a pretty sappy romance."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I am surprised so many animals clean their butts with their tongues."

-Mike Sheppard

"It's natures' toilet paper!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Of course women have had an impact on the history of the world. With very few exceptions, women have given birth to almost everyone."

-Mike Sheppard

"I think the premise is to make your little thing get bigger."

-Mike Sheppard

"Imagine, if you will, a brick made of macaroni and meat."

-Mike Sheppard ( when asked how his dinner tasted )

"It turns people into Toads ... predictably."

-Mike Sheppard ( on the many uses of the magic toad spell )

"That's not dancing, that's assault!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'd cuddle with you, but you're too hot and I'm too pokey."

-Mike Sheppard

"You should live with Scott."

-Eli Rieck

"Kristin's way hotter."

-Mike Sheppard ( this quote added so Mike Sheppard has a good marriage )

"I defeated you in Wii Sports, so I have also defeated you in the game that is life."

-Mike Sheppard ( building up his Sister's self esteem )

"How am I going to reconcile that with my licking policy?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Cats just think I'm tasty."

-Mike Sheppard

"You shouldn't let the runs in."

-Mike Sheppard

"When you see how awesome the new Starcraft is, try not to hump my monitor."

-Mike Sheppard ( prior to showing preview videos of Starcraft II )

"I want something fuzzy on my lap!"

-Mike Sheppard ( complaining that none of the cats would come and sit with him )

"You have to help me pick the carcass."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Don't talk dirty in front of the guests."

-Mike Sheppard

"I'll take one of those weird upside down breasts."

-Mike Sheppard ( after sitting down to a roasted chicken dinner )

"Did you wear a grass skirt and a coconut bra?"

-Eli Rieck ( getting to the heart of what Mike was trying to say in the preceding conversation )

"No."

-Mike Sheppard ( inferring that the asker is ridiculous for asking )

"Not at the same time."

-Mike Sheppard

"Might as well write down that wang thing while you're at it."

-Mike Sheppard ( to Nathan Goff, while writing down the 'sucrose' quote )

"Indifference beats rock."

-Mike Sheppard ( regarding Scott Hamilton refusing to play 'rocks paper scissors' with Nathan Goff )

"Babies aren't supposed to be ammo."

-Mike Sheppard

"Tell me this doesn't look gay!"

-Mike Sheppard ( nobody could )

"Apparently, the Seahawks don't have to be good."

-Mike Sheppard ( after the Seahawks recieved their second first down in a row from penalties )

"My mom is such trailer trash."

-Mike Sheppard ( discussing how Eli began to like beer after Mike's mom brought some over for Mother's Day )

"I'm sorry you had to have a baby before Wii launch."

-Mike Sheppard

"(Chuckle)...me and my droppings."

-Mike Sheppard

"[Censored Quote]"

-Mike Sheppard

"[Censored Quote]"

-Scott Hamilton

"Christians aren't supposed to say 'ass.'"

-Eli Rieck

"They're cute so that we don't eat them."

-Mike Sheppard

"I bet they're delectable."

-Eli Rieck

"How true that probably is."

-Mike Sheppard ( on babies )

"We really do have all kinds of back problems."

-Mike Sheppard ( on people over 6 feet tall )

"Plus brain damage!"

-Eli Rieck

"It doesn't take 7 years to string someone along."

-Mike Sheppard

"Don't tickle my eye with your elbow!"

-Mike Sheppard ( objecting to Kristin Soukkala's tickling style )

"Mike Sheppard, just so you know, I am washing all of my pants and shorts right now."

-Eli Rieck

"So you won't be wearing pants all night?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Right."

-Eli Rieck

"(I won't be leaving my room.)"

-Mike Sheppard

"Eli! Don't make the cat weird!"

-Mike Sheppard ( in a heartfelt request to spare Helmi the same treatment inflicted on Screwey )

"This reads like a garbage pail kids card."

-Mike Sheppard ( on Isaiah 28:8 )

"I want my children to pull on your tail."

-Mike Sheppard ( to Yuffie )

"The pregnant cyst of a wife...."

-Mike Sheppard

"Sure, we're supposed to honor God's creation, but some of it is really irritating."

-Mike Sheppard

"I can torture you."

-Kristin Soukkala

"I know you can."

-Mike Sheppard

"Butts and food don't mix."

-Mike Sheppard ( this was the only part of a conversation that Eli Rieck heard from another room )

"You're not drinking hobbits Vangie!"

-Mike Sheppard

"There's nothing wrong with being slovenly drunk."

-Mike Sheppard

"I realized shortly after the beginning of the dancing that I feel silly."

-Mike Sheppard

"I realized shortly after the beginning of the dancing that I feel silly."

-Mike Sheppard

"Maybe it's only average people who are normal."

-Mike Sheppard

"This wine does not go with ice cream and beer."

-Mike Sheppard

"It takes 9 months for the panic to turn into responsibility."

-Mike Sheppard ( on parenthood )

"...but it was warm and dry...."

-Mike Sheppard

"...and oh so frilly!"

-Kristin Soukkala ( completing a memory of Mike Sheppard's where he waited for a bus in a lingerie department to avoid a rainstorm )

"You can't type and procreate at the same time!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Girls love soap!"

-Mike Sheppard

"The Rabbi made me chug wine."

-Mike Sheppard ( reminiscing over his weekend )

"He [Mike Rieck] is YOUR brother!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Don't blame me!"

-Eli Rieck

"Why are you taking a gun to the bank?"

-Mike Sheppard ( to Eli Rieck )

"This is the light of constipation."

-Mike Sheppard

"It just went out."

-Eli Rieck

"That can't be good...."

-Mike Sheppard

"This is the light of constipation."

-Mike Sheppard

"It just went out."

-Eli Rieck

"That can't be good...."

-Mike Sheppard

"Tonight we're going to fight the devil!"

-Mike Sheppard ( confirming his plans to play Diablo II online later )

"You can fight the devil with prayer too."

-Kristin Soukkala

"It's easier to just point and click."

-Mike Sheppard

"I'm going to make cookies now."

-Mike Sheppard ( following a year of swearing off cookies )

"Whoa, is that going to feel dirty?"

-Eli Rieck

"I think I'd call it the 'Vomiteria.'"

-Mike Sheppard ( discussing his plans to open a restaurant with a midmeal vomit to allow for more food consumption )

"It's Japanese. You're not suppose to get it."

-Mike Sheppard

"[Eric Clapton] almost married [Sheryl Crow]"

-Eli Rieck

"Can't you say that about her and anyone?"

-Mike Sheppard

"You're right, I almost did marry her...."

-Eli Rieck

"I successfully drank water!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh, the things you can accomplish when you do them."

-Eli Rieck

"I don't think people wag enough things."

-Mike Sheppard

"I think they do."

-Eli Rieck ( disagreeing with a rather underdeveloped premise )

"I haven't had any thoughts lately."

-Mike Sheppard

"I gotta get this boot off. There is something weird in this shoe. Oh! It's my sock!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Ever since I started working in the bathroom I've learned to type quietly."

-Mike Sheppard

"The brotherly love is gone! It fled when the making out started."

-Mike Sheppard

"It's ok to swear when the union is involved!"

-Mike Sheppard ( successfully stonewalling a potential quote )

"Could you stop being sensuous?"

-Eli Rieck ( objecting to Mike Sheppard's hula hooping )

"NO."

-Mike Sheppard ( refusing to be brought down by the man )

"Eli Rieck! I've changed the names of the ugly people!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'll be right there!"

-Eli Rieck

"I want to eat all of God's creation!"

-Mike Sheppard ( interpreting for feline Yuffie )

"Don't forget to bring the wine, you'll need anesthesia."

-Mike Sheppard ( to Eli Rieck for reasons best not discussed )

"I'm glad I didn't accidentally kill you."

-Mike Sheppard

"Doesn't oxygen kill your brain or something?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Do you love Scott?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yes I do."

-Eli Rieck

"Did it feel weird to say that?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yes it did."

-Eli Rieck

"Incest is not best."

-Mike Sheppard ( agreeing with Eli Rieck that movies with incest are in poor taste )

"I'm glad I have a job where you don't see people's butt cracks."

-Mike Sheppard

"She moos like a dog in heat."

-Mike Sheppard

"PYRO!"

-Eli Rieck ( accusingly )

"Me...?"

-Mike Sheppard ( confused at why Eli would brand Mike a pyro )

"Does anyone want to see Todd naked?"

-Mike Sheppard ( while pointing a water gun at Todd )

"You can't protect from a chicken!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I've never worn pants on a pantsless ride."

-Mike Sheppard

"I've never worn pants on a pantsless ride."

-Mike Sheppard

"Why do you have to wizz on my carpet all the time?"

-Mike Sheppard

"It's my carpet too!"

-Eli Rieck

"I can go get internet with the raccoons."

-Mike Sheppard

"I think pretty much if you're in the cocaine trade you're screwing people over."

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah, I went to a Haunted House."

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh my gosh! Did you cry?"

-Caitlin Roth

"Get out, you dumb bass!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I am Ormus."

-Mike Sheppard

"You're Mike Sheppard."

-Eli Rieck

"That's not what Ormus says."

-Mike Sheppard

"I'm gonna go create an opportunity for carnage."

-Eli Rieck

"Oh, umm... I'll be right there."

-Mike Sheppard

"Can I get hip extensions?"

-Mike Sheppard

"What direction would those go?"

-Eli Rieck

"I'm gonna go to bed and think about the horrible things you just told me."

-Mike Sheppard

"It's sad that something so beautiful has to die... for my pleasure."

-Mike Sheppard

"This is pretty nice. Hey you guys want to try this?"

-Eli Rieck ( offering some random children the opportunity to lay down in the driveway where his car used to be )

"Don't scare the neighbors...."

-Mike Sheppard ( to Eli Rieck )

"I'm going to bask in the absence of your car."

-Mike Sheppard ( to Eli Rieck )

"I'm waltzing, Batman!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Hmm?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't wanna burn your purse just to make a sandwich."

-Mike Sheppard

"You dropped your hand!"

-Todd Ganey

"You touched my ball!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I only select the hairiest of roommates."

-Mike Sheppard

"When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you...."

-Eli Rieck

"Think deeply Christian thoughts!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Hey Eli, can you tell me what my cereal is called?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yes."

-Eli Rieck

"I'm not gonna eat your food. You're under the poverty level."

-Mike Sheppard

"Hey! I have a nuclear missile!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I really want to shave my cat."

-Mike Sheppard

"I wonder what Adam was so ashamed of."

-Mike Sheppard

"It would smell less in your belly."

-Mike Sheppard ( referring to the smell of Baklava )

"I only read books with Fred Savage in them."

-Mike Sheppard

"When Eli is home he just indiscriminately quotes everything!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I am going to need a lot of things before the children come."

-Todd Ganey

"Just have a baby shower."

-Mike Sheppard

"No, you don't understand. It's not for them."

-Todd Ganey

"There's only one thing to do when you're tired."

-Mike Sheppard

"Steal a hose."

-Eli Rieck

"I don't quack left handed."

-Mike Sheppard

"Grandma tastes like s'mores!"

-Mike Sheppard

"By 'garbage' I meant 'recycling', and Yuffie ate her puke!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I think the rabbi that came up with that "you can't work on the sabbath" thing had nonjewish roommates."

-Mike Sheppard

"Work, Butthole."

-Eli Rieck ( to a TV remote )

"I'm sure glad you weren't in the bathroom when you said that."

-Mike Sheppard

"Work, Butthole."

-Eli Rieck ( to a TV remote )

"I'm sure glad you weren't in the bathroom when you said that."

-Mike Sheppard

"I talk to my food, you talk to kitchen utensils."

-Mike Sheppard ( to Kristin Soukkala )

"If you guys need me, I'll help. Please don't need me."

-Mike Sheppard

"I think love potion #9 may have been drugged."

-Mike Sheppard

"Does your email have to do with pee?"

-Eli Rieck

"YES."

-Mike Sheppard

"Look at my lipstick!"

-Caitlin Roth

"I don't think cheese is the same as lipstick."

-Mike Sheppard

"How does Screwey survive outside? There is a predator one foot above her, and she has no idea!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Eli is the Cat Casanova!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Please don't let that be my new nickname."

-Eli Rieck

"My house is a powder keg!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Only the garage...."

-Eli Rieck

"Where was I when I realized that I smelled bad?"

-Mike Sheppard