"I'm thinking about taking that fake poop to church."

-Danica Rieck

"I would rather be really smart and go to a new school than dumb and go to a new school."

-Luke Kifowit

"If I smell warm cherry pie, and that's my boogers, then my boogers smell good."

-Luke Kifowit ( Snowman noses smell like carrots, right? )

"I honestly enjoyed my time with my peanut noodles."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the joys of solitude. )

"What do you think this [the airport runway] would look like covered in chickens?"

-Teddy Sheppard ( Tough questions by Teddy )

"Dad? Do you think we’ll ever turn to the news and find that someone randomly donated 100 kidneys to a hospital?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Life’s big questions. )

"I almost died! My pant hole was full of pant!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Tripping while getting his pants on. )

"Instead of full of hole?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I’ve got middle age! I’m noticing birds!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the down side of aging. )

"It's probably YOU!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( In response to her husband asking 'do you know what the worst thing about our family is?' )

"My own hand scared me half to death!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Startled by his hand upon waking up. )

"It's between me and God and the bidet!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not anymore )

"Can I have a glass of milk?"

-Lucy Sheppard

"It’s MAY I have a glass of milk."

-Henry Sheppard ( Brothers are helpful. )

"May I have a glass of YOUR FACE!!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( No )

"Sshhhhh…don’t call her that when she’s here."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Some nicknames are nice. And some are funny. )

"Man, there’s a lot of things that have been done to my pants today."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Having a rough Thursday )

"Don’t stick your finger in it!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his daughter, concerning a cat )

"So…the King and the Queen wanted children, right? And when they finally got one they named her ROSAMOND???"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Couldn’t stop laughing at the original Grimm Brothers Sleeping Beauty )

"I don't want to go with you."

-Teddy Sheppard ( Not wanting to take along his little sister )

"Well, I want to go with me."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Who can argue with that? )

"Sleep will wash over me like a brick!"

-Sarah Rieck ( Very tired and... hopeful? )

"I've decided we're complimentarian."

-Mike Rieck ( Feeling in charge! )

"Hahaha! That's not how it works."

-Amy Rieck ( Being egalitarian )

"Like a dog who is really stinky, I will smell so bad!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Sung to the tune of 'Bridge over troubled water' )

"What are you doing in here? I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO LICK THAT!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Bad dog got into the pantry )

"I’ll pay for the free one."

-Lucy Sheppard ( She’s a big spender. )

"I treat you like garbage because I love you and I don’t want you to miss me while you’re gone."

-Mike Sheppard ( Helping his wife prepare for a vacation without him )

"There’s nothing sadder than an unsatisfying peach."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not pleased with her evening snack. )

"I think I'd lose my wife."

-Mike Rieck ( On the possibility of growing out his skullet )

"Lay eggs."

-Henry Sheppard ( Offering his sister advice on how to play the game Wingspan. )

"(After a look of extreme concentration and mild grunting noises) I don’t think I can."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Is not a bird. )

"I think that’s a horrible idea. You should try it!"

-Mike Rieck ( A teaching moment with his daughter. )

"I need to sleep!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Stayed up too late )

"That’s why we’re going to bed."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Old ladies don’t wear beautiful shirts."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Oddly specific criticism. )

"Mom, what do you want for Christmas?"

-Teddy Sheppard ( Never too early to start your planning. )

"She wants a sink in the laundry room!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( She’s not wrong. )

"Everyone around me is fake. I am the reality."

-Henry Sheppard

"I was always confused back in the day."

-Joshua Hudson ( Oh how the times have changed. )

"I pee in the backyard like the dog."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On how she avoids bathrooms used by her children. )

"They make me look like a child."

-Lucy Sheppard ( 8 years old, On why she doesn’t like barrettes in her hair. )

"THOSE JUDGES ARE MONSTERS!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Upset that her favorite contestant was cut from a cooking show. )

"Jenny has 152 peaches. I think Jenny has a mental illness."

-Henry Sheppard ( Why do math problems always involve so much fruit? )

"..and it makes you walk like a whore!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Finishing a lengthy defense of women wearing high heels )

"You’re an idiot with the mind of a genius!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( In awe of his brother )

"What kinda business are they running? They’re not going to get many repeat customers if they keep asking for payment."

-Mike Sheppard ( Never ran a successful business. )

"So, when I’m a parent I’ll just have other random parents’ phone numbers in my phone?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Going through the contact list on his mom’s phone. )

"No, they’ll be on your wife’s phone."

-Lucy Sheppard

"If you don't do what I'll say I'll make you say what I do!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Laying down the law with his daughter )

"Your face is a uterus!"

-Mike Rieck ( Didn’t pay attention in high school biology )

"It’s slightly worrisome that they have a game called ‘Dead Body’."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her children )

"It’s just YouTube and prayer."

-Marshall Crabtree ( On doing home repairs )

"Don’t wipe your Vagisil on me!!!"

-Eli Rieck ( Upset with this brother. )

"Did I spell Vagisil right? It’s underlined…"

-Mike Sheppard ( Quoting Eli Rieck )

"I want to be a hairy Italian!"

-Mike Rieck ( On achieving his life's ambitions )

"You’re done son!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Shouting at the loser of a game show. )

"What is this, some kind of weird European way of looking at the world? I want my maps to have America right in the middle!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On a trip to Austria )

"The bad thing about being sick, though, is you don't feel good."

-Amy Rieck

"We're not making fun of you. It just seems like we are."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, and they totally were making fun of her. )

"“How did you lose your arm?” “In the line of duty.”"

-Anonymous ( Watching ‘The Fugitive’ )

"He he he….duty…."

-Lucy Sheppard

"I’m not whining. I’m just expressing my thoughts."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Sounded like whining to me. )

"You can watch the words on a page as you read them with your eyes."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her solution to a kid who wants to watch YouTube all day. )

"I want to live in a porta-potty where the oven is also the toilet."

-Henry Sheppard ( We all have our dreams. )

"We’re sending an ambulance and a health inspector."

-Teddy Sheppard ( That sounds like some serious food poisoning. )

"Cheese IS flavor"

-Theodore Sheppard ( On pizza toppings )

"But the blobs are singing “Hallelujah.”"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On why her mother needed to come upstairs. It worked. )

"Why is Ariel so dumb?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Do not trust a sea witch. )

"I wouldn’t call what I do ‘support’."

-Henry Sheppard ( On being ‘supportive’ of his siblings. )

"I hate your guts and I’ve got your liver!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On taking organ transplants from enemies )

"So, what’s your favorite form of matter?"

-Mike Sheppard ( His daughter is learning about matter in science class )

"Well…I just made gas…"

-Lucy Sheppard ( True, but not helpful )

"Is that a FISH? IN SPACE? Why are they doing this? It must be scared!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Concerning Captain Picard’s fish )

"Be the heterosexual male in the ballet class!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Inspirational Speech )

"I just say what comes out of my mouth."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Yeah she does )

"This is why you work from home."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband who will never be allowed to work in HR )

"Worst Party Game : Pin the butt-crack on the human."

-Teddy Sheppard

"I’m fine as long as it doesn’t have a tooth in it."

-Teddy Sheppard ( About gum on the underside of tables. )

"I don’t smell the cigarettes and depression."

-Henry Sheppard ( Doubting the realism of a movie shot in Las Vegas )

"I lost my sense of decency"

-Mike Sheppard ( On which of the five senses he’d prefer to lose. )

"It’s a lot more fun to bury a body."

-Mike Sheppard

"Start with the beak."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Advice on how to shove a chicken up your nose. )

"I shouldn’t squeeze it so hard. Now it hurts."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Mom, how many cuss words do you need to say to go to hell?"

-Lucy Sheppard

"What about “Lavatory?”"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On an alternate name for a baby named Toilet )

"Dad! Do you want to see me use my butt?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Chasing a falling balloon around the room with her backside. )

"Ohm….ohm….ohm…."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Appeared to be meditating )

"Lucy, what are you doing?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I’m trying to fly!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( What has she been watching???? )

"Some women dance around in their bra for money."

-Lucy Sheppard ( It is not what you think. It was an ad for comfortable and ugly undergarments. )

"I like to complain more than I like to care."

-Mike Sheppard

"If these stories are true, the Jews have been horribly mistreated."

-Mike Sheppard ( On reading the Maccabees. )

"I thought I smelled meat then realized it was your pants."

-Kristin Sheppard ( There was an incident at dinner. )

"Hello frog! Ready for the glorious water?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Watering the front lawn which was full of tiny frogs. )

"His kids talked too much."

-Mike Sheppard ( On why Beethoven went deaf. )

"There are girls in this world who don't like to shop."

-Gabe Hudson ( His mom is off shopping again in Disney World. )

"I'd love to marry one of them."

-Zac Hudson

"Have one! And it will act like a dog! And it will eat your pillows!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Predicting what her brother’s future child may be like. )

"I’m young - I NEED SUGAR!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( With a wild expression in her eyes. )

"This is California. I get to tax you twice."

-Mike Sheppard ( While stealing M&Ms from his daughter. )

"It feels like I’m not wearing shorts!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( 112 degrees in beautiful Las Vegas. )

"Hold it. And don’t panic."

-Lucy Sheppard ( To her brother who needed a restroom. )

"…And that’s how I learned what Llama’s Legs Look like."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Concluding an unbelievable tale too long to relate here. )

"I don’t trust the squirrel in there. He’s wearing a black hat and a gun."

-Theodore Sheppard ( I wouldn’t trust him either. )

"We still haven’t seen a ‘Thesaurus’."

-Henry Sheppard ( Disappointment at the dinosaur park. )

"That is the primary difference between a duck and a wolf."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his daughter concerning animal sounds. )

"What is that?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Observing a strange, plastic wrapped bundle at the end of a neighbor’s driveway )

"It’s a newspaper."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On ancient relics of the past. )

"Lunch is hard."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Covid Restrictions )

"Stick your head on this and smell for thirty seconds!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( I don’t want to know what’s going on in that room )

"Turtles can’t be Ninjas, they can only be tiny artists!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( An expert on such matters )

"I think we’d actually get scurvy."

-Lucy Sheppard ( If we ate hot dogs for every meal. )

"I value our marriage enough to give you a fictional fish."

-Mike Sheppard ( Sweet talking his wife. )

"The only thing that makes me worried is that it's an anxiety producing event."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Anxious about anxiety )

"Well, that's what happens when you give the babies the car keys!"

-Amy Rieck ( Passing on her motherly wisdom to her daughters. )

"As soon as you throw Herpes into a debate you win!"

-Mike Rieck ( Losing a debate. )

"We’re going to have a new family sock policy. I’m going to check your feet three times a day, and if you’re not wearing at least two socks on two different feet I’m going to staple a sock to your forehead!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Laying down the sock law to his kids. )

"That seems harsh."

-Henry Sheppard ( He’s not wrong. )

"I want to show you what every hole in this guys’ face does."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Showing off a toy for his brother. )

"The stupid way they’re teaching math is making our kids idiots!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not a fan of ‘fast tens’ )

"It’s true."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Woefully. )

"Nor-mal! Nor-mal! Nor-mal!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( What normal people say when they are walking around reveling in their normalcy )

"A duck in the pond in the rain is still getting hit by the rain but the rain is running off but the duck is still wet."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Unachieved profundity. )

"One cat said to another cat, “Do you want to build a Snowman?” The other cat said, “No.”"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Making up jokes is hard. )

"Ballads will be sung!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On his miraculous Unicycle ride of 35 feet. )

"It’s popcorn! It crunches!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( After being yelled at for chewing too loudly. )

"My room has got stuff..."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Presenting a compelling argument for why his room was the best choice for a game. )

"When you become a Marine you either marry your high school sweetheart or a stripper."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Working on recruitment slogans for the Marine Corps )

"She tears them apart and she eats the babies."

-Mike Rieck ( His dog loves playing with the rats in the backyard. )

"You’re too stupid to know that you’re stupid!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Offering a defense for the cat. )

"How would I do my worst? I don’t have any toilet paper!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Apparently his worst involves toilet paper. )

"The only thing worse than stepping in cold cat vomit is stepping in warm cat vomit."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the joys of pet ownership )

"I might think of those things, when I’m done CRYING!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( After receiving helpful suggestions on things to think about to help cheer up )

"Become one with the Merry-go-round."

-Henry Sheppard ( Playground wisdom. )

"Knowing how fat you are doesn't help."

-Mike Sheppard

"Machismo! I’ve got Machismo! Would you like to see my Machismo?"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"Sure"

-Kristin Sheppard ( She had never sounded so bored in her life. )

"I...I wasn’t prepared for that answer..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Unsure how to proceed. )

"People would laugh at us. They’d say, “Hey! Look at those corpses!”"

-Mike Sheppard ( On being swept out to sea to drown. )

"HAW HAW!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laughing at corpses. )

"He’s having pre-teen angst."

-Kristin Sheppard

"You having some pre-teen angst Henry? Would you like me to get you a cream for it?"

-Mike Sheppard

"100% of people who drown in salt water touch it first!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to keep his kids out of the Ocean )

"No one is allowed in my room with [only] underwear on!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Objected to her brother's outfit )

"Go put some socks on Teddy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Future Lawyer for the Libertarian Party. )

"It’s not about the money, it’s about the greed!"

-Todd Ganey ( Altruism at its worst. )

"I have defenses!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Used a bodily function to repel the affections of his mother. )

"That’s what I like to do! Satisfy my blood lust!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Lucy! Come over here so you can do my chore for me!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not a fan of taking out the recycling. )

"No!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( The only right answer. )

"But my chore is testing out candy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Resorting to falsehood like a scoundrel )

"Is that true mom?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Don’t fall for it! )

"You are more modern than I am, so now you have to do what I said."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Explaining to Mike Sheppard the complications inherent in cow fraction purchasing. )

"Don’t do that Lucy. You will blind yourself. TO DEATH!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Only in one eye!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( True but stupid. )

"Why do I always land on one of my body parts?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Sports are hard. )

"I need you to do more things that I can take credit for."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( Manager of the year folks. )

"Does alcohol help? Rubbing alcohol! For the cleaning."

-Mike Rieck ( Dealing with children and their damaged toys. )

"Everyone knows I'm Mike."

-Mike ( Confusion regarding to which Mike the quote is attributed? )

"I definitely make fun of my wife but I try to be ‘nice enough’."

-Marshall Crabtree ( On keeping marriages strong. )

"We sat on our dead cat for a year."

-Mike Sheppard ( Showing compassion )

"Did you put salt on the eggs? I don’t like salt on the eggs."

-Lucy Sheppard ( There was salt on the eggs. )

"But Lucy, you ate the whole egg!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"That’s because it tasted good!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"Name it Gerald."

-Lucy Sheppard ( On what she would do with a pet cactus. )

"Turn around sexy knickers and kill your dad!!"

-Joshua Hudson

"A Rieck should have a pond."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Riecks have needs. )

"I’m gonna hot glue your tail to your forehead!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Looking for ways to spend time with the cat during lockdown. )

"It looks like cat throw-up with yellow food coloring in it."

-Lucy Sheppard ( On crystallized Honey. )

"Apparently in tea parties there are winners and losers."

-Mike Sheppard ( Lost the tea race to his daughter. )

"Daddy? Who was the last cannibal to be alive?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( A five-year-old explores life’s biggest questions )

"I think my hair feels longer."

-Henry Sheppard ( Taking his helmet off after a 20 mile bike ride. )

"What if I don’t have a shotgun or a sword?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Clarifying when to fight bad guys )

"All he does is come down here, not work on the puzzle and criticize my song!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Grumping that his son didn’t care for his singing )

"I was about to criticize it too."

-Henry Sheppard ( Tough room. )

"This go nowhere but jail"

-Marshall Crabtree ( On hypothetical belly button antics. )

"The last time I had a good nights sleep was the time I dreamt you died."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her very alive husband. )

"I have multiple personalities and THEY'RE ALL ME!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Notoriously difficult to diagnose. )

"I think I’m ruining my nose! I’ll leave it alone."

-Mike Rieck ( Don’t worry! It was a spare nose. )

"You don’t have four arms..."

-Lucy Sheppard ( To her father who was complaining about sore forearms. )

"I smelled it from my ear!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"...that’s not possible."

-Theodore Sheppard ( After a long pause. )

"It is for me!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Worlds most useless superpower. )

"You know we’ve hit rock bottom when there is a sexy Coronavirus costume."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Halloween 2020. )

"I just want to eat it forever!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Concerning her mother’s home made blueberry pie. )

"It’s like flying ice weasels that are tiny and white!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On the snow )

"Only one bowl and only for breakfast, Teddy."

-Henry Sheppard ( Rationing the Lucky Charms cereal amid Covid19. )

"You kids don’t use the word ‘Hankering’ enough."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his children, on their grammatical faux pas )

"Like the dickens they don’t!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Did not approve of where the conversation was going. )

"That's not lingerie. That's a prank."

-Danica Rieck

"There’s no proof that nothing can’t exist."

-Henry Sheppard

"That doesn’t seem like something you should say out loud."

-Mike Sheppard ( About a term for train hopping hobos )

"Well that’s what they were!!"

-Brian Blood

"Henry, don’t be pedantic."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his pedantic child. )

"You do it to me!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I learned it by watching you Dad!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This is your brain on pedanticism... )

"Finally a girl!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A 10 year old boy. )

"Why do you need a girl?"

-Mike Sheppard ( The boy’s father. )

"So I can breed!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He was playing Pokémon. )

"I left my bilikins in the kayak by my Igloo!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( How to sound Alaskan. )

"Yeah, well you married a loser."

-Mike Sheppard ( Winning an argument against his wife. )

"That’s like marriage."

-Joshua Hudson ( On playing God of War. )

"We need a stake and some wood Dad!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Why?"

-Mike Sheppard

"So we can burn the winner!"

-Henry Sheppard ( The victor has earned their place in Valhalla. )

"It’s like being buried in cotton balls. You’ll be OK."

-Brian Blood ( On tumbleweeds covering cars in the freeway. )

"I’d love to but my mom won’t let me."

-Zac Hudson ( She probably has a good reason. )

"That’s actually true."

-Teddy Sheppard ( In response to the song lyrics “There’s no need for greed or hunger” from John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ )

"A chicken eating a moose?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On the funniest thing she had ever heard of. )

"You’re so old you’re losing your memory!"

-Henry Sheppard

"You’re so young you remember things that didn’t happen!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Whaaat?!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Can’t seem to tell if his Dad is joking or not. )

"I can’t win at life but I can certainly throw stuff in the garbage can."

-Mike Sheppard ( On his awesome tossing stuff across the room into the trash skills )

"I’ve got this ice pack warmed up..."

-Brian Blood ( So it’s a water pack? )

"I just don’t feel comfortable kissing my wife when you are out there."

-Joshua Hudson ( Complimenting his staff. )

"Mom, I’m five and one nickel."

-Lucy Sheppard ( She’s really five and a quarter. )

"Some non-English speaker shows up and hands me food and my first impulse is to eat it."

-Joshua Hudson ( On the convenience of Uber Eats. )

"I wonder what it’s like playing the game with adults?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After playing a long, involved board game with his children. )

"Fun."

-Kristin Sheppard

"When I die people will look at me and say...that didn’t look pleasant."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the inevitability of the future. )

"I am naked right now... Wait, where is HR??"

-Joshua Hudson ( Office quote )

"I’m what the industry calls a ‘big guy’."

-Joshua Hudson ( What industry is that? )

"My son has one thing going for him. He seems to be abnormally lucky."

-Joshua Hudson ( On his son’s video game skills. )

"Is that your face or was it the camera?"

-Joshua Hudson ( Managing at its finest. )

"He’s got a book on getting even. I’LL READ IT."

-Larry Gruginski ( Threatening his staff. )

"Auto generated code IS A DEMON!"

-Brian Blood ( It’s not his best work but it is what was said. )

"Napping is VERY similar to programming."

-Brian Blood

"Does Henry have puberty?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Her brother had a cough. )

"It’s when you grow a beard."

-Theodore Sheppard ( On the definition of puberty. )

"No. Don’t be fair."

-Todd Ganey ( Advice to his son. )

"There are certain risks I’m willing to take!"

-Larry Gruginski ( On replacing the tires on his wife’s car. )

"Remember that ‘People of Walmart’ website? That was the meanest site I ever …"

-Mike Sheppard

"Laughed at."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Yeah."

-Mike Sheppard

"Teddy! We just got your stitches out. We don’t want to have to go and get you new ones."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Concerned with her son’s dance routine. )

"Why?"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Whatever she wants to do. As long as I get fed."

-Mike Sheppard ( On his wife’s employment opportunities. )

"You jimmied the lock and there was a midget."

-Brian Blood

"Now I'll go put this in the freezer so I won't have to listen to YOU!"

-Henry Sheppard ( His Dad's latest lecture didn't inspire. )

"If this melts all over the floor I want to be called Jasmine!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( About a giant ice cube. )

"I don’t know what he does at night."

-Larry Gruginski ( Concerned for a former colleague. Probably safer not to know. )

"Every time it looks like this book is going to end it just keeps going."

-Gabe Hudson ( While reading the Never Ending Story )

"Yeah.. it's like it's never ending or something.."

-Olivia Hudson

"I’m going to go to the Alps and be a Tiger!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Longing for the simple life of an apex predator )

"Some airlines make ‘Dad Shut Up’ buttons."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Not amused by her father’s latest joke on the flight home. )

"Why didn't you bring your gun Dad? I want to eat a bear."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Sightseeing in Alaska )

"You’re a witness to it. I’m sprinkling!"

-Larry Gruginski ( On how to run a presentation. )

"This is my new job. I send emails and I highlight things in bold."

-Joshua Hudson ( That’s why we pay him the big bucks. )

"It's not cannibalism to lick somebody."

-Mike ( Condescendingly )

"My farts can distract the robbers."

-Lucy Sheppard ( The latest technology in home security. )

"Mom, you’re the bee’s knees."

-Lucy Sheppard

"Teddy’s the chicken sneeze."

-Henry Sheppard

"We have to do the best we can with what we have."

-Larry Gruginski ( On his latest new hire. )

"They’re not good for you but they sure have a special flavor."

-Larry Gruginski ( On Hot Dogs )

"Do you know how much I hate that?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her daughter was begging for something. )

"Seventeen percent?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( More like 100%. )

"You’ve denied my nuts twice."

-Mike Sheppard ( Offering food to the hungry. )

"I separate people's underpants from the pants that they wore them with."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On how far good grades got her in life. )

"I’m gonna sell crepe dealies and sham-wows!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On his future online marketplace. )

"Your body is revolting!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, relating to an illness. )

"They’re gonna die. Don’t tell my wife that."

-Larry Gruginski ( On pet ownership. )

"I was living with my wife. There’s a quote."

-Larry Gruginski

"In about 15 minutes I'll be getting a text from my wife asking if summer is over yet."

-Mike Sheppard ( 10 minutes before the kids get home for summer break. )

"The guy who’ll eat a diseased goat."

-Larry Gruginski ( An oddly specific description of the type of person who takes optional training. )

"I can talk with my teeth closed."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Mumbled from the back seat )

"No one cares."

-Teddy Sheppard ( Brotherly compassion )

"Y’ought not have said that. It’s too late now."

-Bill Reynolds

"I think it’s past the statute of limitations."

-Larry Gruginski

"Quit lifting weights. We have to go to a bro-meeting!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Office Exercise Programs )

"I can only understand one thing about cheese at a time."

-Joshua Hudson ( He’s a simpleton )

"I’m gonna make meth!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On buying chemistry equipment )

"We have to laugh or we’ll cry."

-Joshua Hudson ( On his future employment prospects. )

"She’s only 26! And she’s already screwed up her life. Or made herself very famous."

-Bill Reynolds ( On YouTube stars’ debatably wise body modifications. )

"You’re getting the Motel 6 experience but you’re paying for La Quinta!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On the cost of staying in Prison )

"[My daughter] only found one pile of diarrhea."

-Allen Howard ( On a visit to Seattle )

"She disagrees with all aspects of my life."

-Bill Reynolds ( On his wife )

"Shoulda married his wife. She was fun. She wasn’t super attractive but she was fun."

-Bill Reynolds

"LUCY TAX!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( While stealing a bite of her Mother’s hot fudge Sunday )

"Tomorrow is going to be the best day ever. I can FEEL it."

-Henry Sheppard ( Spirits riding high after winning a baseball game. )

"The department can’t force you to stay with your wife! Call HR!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On business trips with your spouse. )

"Customer has a request. We gotta shut that down!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Customer service at its finest )

"You got screwed over. Nobody likes you."

-Bill Reynolds ( Keeping the staff motivated at a staff meeting. )

"I think if I am sent to hell it would be a rave."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On crowded, flashy migraine triggers )

"I have faith because I’m an idiot."

-Joshua Hudson ( On the future of Star Wars movies )

"Unless they were wild hormanians or something."

-Lucy Sheppard ( When it’s OK to eat a cat. )

"But it’s climbing down a tree!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( On why he should be allowed to photograph a Squirrel. )

"That ain’t his wife!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Don’t worry. It was. )

"Mom, you’re hair is turning white. You’re getting old. Are you going to be the first one to die in our family?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Cheery contemplations while out on a walk )

"It almost made me barf. But I’ll do it again."

-Henry Sheppard ( On becoming a theme park junkie. )

"He just wants to be pet but no one pets him."

-Lucy Sheppard ( About the big scary dog in ‘The Sandlot’ )

"Oh my Gosh! Yumm!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Response when meeting a giant turkey at the farm )

"Why do I have a weird dad?"

-Lucy Sheppard

"If they don’t remember their lines, what are you going to do? You have to beat them!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On keeping the cast members motivated. )

"All right. You guys and my wife. Why don’t you just marry her!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Taking advice from his staff that his wife also gave. )

"She had two or three pairs of black lace underwear on the floor. And she was making pots of Chili without beans. That’s all I remember."

-Bill Reynolds ( Memories of Yakima )

"When you get into fourth grade it’s easier to be a loser."

-Laurie Sheppard ( Life lessons )

"What about the Chicken commandment? Always love one another’s Chickens!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Gets her theology from the barnyard. )

"He pees like a little Chihuahua on the carpet."

-Bill Reynolds

"So you can cross ‘constipated’ off the list."

-Henry Sheppard ( On reasons Teddy is upset. )

"You know you’re in management when you have a favorite paper size."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( Who probably wouldn’t have noticed otherwise )

"Santa drank too much milk. He needs to go pee."

-Bill Reynolds ( On meeting the mayor of Olympia )

"That was back when inappropriateness was OK!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Office emails )

"They only come out when humans are out. And when humans aren’t out."

-Theodore Sheppard ( On monsters. )

"Why is the toilet down in the living room?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Another day at the Sheppard household. )

"If my doctor starts smearing stuff on me he better put gloves on first."

-Bill Reynolds ( On mammograms )

"When you come to a fork in the road you should take it."

-Mike Sheppard ( Dad advice. )

"Especially when it’s made of silver!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I’m going to change it to the color I WIN."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Laying down an 8 for the victory in Crazy 8’s. )

"I generally encourage people to take things more seriously if they don't grow back. However, some things that grow back are also serious."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Pharmacist advice is advice from a pharmacist )

"Random Acupuncture : Sooner or later we’ll hit your Chi!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On his upcoming retirement business slogan )

"You guys are out of control back there. Get your clothes off!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Motivating the troops )

"Maybe you are looking at them from the wrong angle."

-Mike Sheppard ( You don't want to know )

"Your hopes are your doubts!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Smack talk gone wrong. )

"You're the world's best dad. You're not the world's greatest grandma."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Laying it on thick before Christmas )

"When can I get something funny up there?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Wants to get on the quote board )

"When you say something funny."

-Mike Sheppard ( Standards must be upheld )

"Helmi [the cat] isn't a feline she's a Canine."

-Henry Sheppard ( Trying too hard. )

"That's not funny."

-Mike Sheppard

"You laughed."

-Henry Sheppard

"I laughed at how stupid it was not how funny it was."

-Mike Sheppard ( Dad's being brutal )

"When I’m sick the last people I want to be around are my family and when they are sick the last people I want to be around are my family."

-Mike Sheppard ( Families are so good )

"I was just pretending I was drowning!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On why she splashed all the water out of the bathtub onto the floor )

"I would just sell it to a random girl."

-Theodore Sheppard ( On ugly, pink bunny costumes. )

"Well I’m claiming you’re ignorant!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Attributing ignorance where none exists )

"Maybe Teddy is the Christmas skunk?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( He does have a unique odor. )

"It’s the only way to break the ice. Cream."

-Todd Ganey ( Only tells dad jokes these days. )

"Let’s play Starcraft Lucy, you can be Zerg!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( To his 4-year old sister )

"No! I want to be a horse!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"I invented you with my genius!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his bright, friendly and fun to be around daughter )

"That’s not what you used."

-Kristin Sheppard ( The child’s mother. )

"There’s something not right in her butt, that’s what it is!"

-Bill Reynolds

"Hey fire! Stop burning yourself!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Shouting at the fireplace. )

"Hey! My footprints are following me!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Walking backwards on the beach. )

"True love is standing in the closet to brush your teeth."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Weird but true )

"That is one of the stupidest ideas I have ever heard of"

-Theodore Sheppard ( 7-years old, learning about daylight savings time. )

"THOSE ARE COWS! Oh yeah...they’re horses."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Arguing with her brothers about roadside animals. )

"Look at me! I’m doing my butt show!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( It was NOT lady like )

"A meth addict made me crash and burn. It was a real ordeal."

-Bill Reynolds

"That’s not how to comfort me. It’s not right! It’s wrong!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On his days in a band )

"Nope! You’re being exploited. Get back in your cage."

-Brian Blood

"But it hurts when I put a sock on!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Stepped on a Lego, now his life is dark. )

"I’ve been married for 16 years so I don’t have many opportunities to be right."

-Joshua Hudson

"Anybody's taller than anything small!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On why people are taller than cats )

"That’s how you can tell he’s a good lawyer. Because he litigated and got his soul back from the devil."

-Joshua Hudson

"Milk is the secret ingredient for little girls."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Wants milk, not water with dinner )

"You are personification itself!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( To the cat )

"I sat in my chair today. And then stood up and embarrassed an 85 year old man."

-Joshua Hudson ( In that order )

"You can be our friend Zombie, OK? Because you're civilized."

-Lucy Sheppard ( To her father )

"They must be scared now because I’m awesome."

-Henry Sheppard ( On his foes )

"That’s a creepy dog"

-Lucy Sheppard ( About a baboon in a movie )

"I have the worst of the mild headaches. Know what I mean? Epically mild headache."

-Brian Blood

"If you want to pay me money I’ll say that you’re my mother."

-Joshua Hudson ( Looking for ways to fund his new iPhone )

"It was the ‘90s! People didn’t know any better!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On the bizarre pop music of the past )

"I knew better."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Of course Jesus sneezed."

-Henry Sheppard ( Great theological truth )

"As soon as they allow a dog to vote I’m moving out. I’ll move to the moon if I have to."

-Brian Blood ( On anthropomorphizing animals )

"I hurt myself reading. 🤕"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On getting older )

"I guess Teddy’s going to sleep outside with the rampaging jackalopes"

-Mike Sheppard ( Worried about his son who was locked outside. )

"Oh no! We have to save him from the jackalopes!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Worried for her brother )

"...because your mom might become enraged and end all life on earth!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Scaring the kids )

"On no! That sounds bad!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Properly scared )

"Whenever you leave you always return Helmi!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Yelling at his annoying cat )

"I’d hate to be your toilet if you ate 8."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On high fiber energy bars. )

"You’d love to be my toilet otherwise?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I never want to be your toilet."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I don’t know myself, I am myself!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I don’t like it when you remember the things I’ve told you."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On having one of the rules she created quoted back to her. )

"Don't open that cooler in your front yard. It's got the guts of a deer!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On the joys of rental ownership. )

"If you get fried on the sun, you'll be meat for aliens."

-Silas

"There are certain things about your father that I can’t change but I don’t like."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her children, after hearing her husbands impression of her )

"It’s not sushi it’s a vasectomy..."

-Mike Sheppard

"Do you want to go sterile?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Concerned that his brother wouldn't wear his cup. )

"I’ve got the runs! I’ve got the runs!"

-Jonathan Blood ( He felt like running. )

"I’m going to take you home, hold you upside down and put you in the toilet."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his filthy daughter who needed a bath )

"Then you wouldn’t have me anymore!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Only if we flushed... )

"War sucks. It really changes the rules of cannibalism."

-Joshua Hudson ( On eating his foes )

"Your world view must just be hell."

-Brian Blood ( To a colleague who only gets news from headlines )

"Lucy, quit picking your nose!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her 4-year old )

"But I’m trying to get boogers!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( At least she’s doing I’m in her car like a real American! )

"We don’t ‘hang’ we just coexist."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, on the difference between friendship and marriage. )

"Basically, it’s when you drink too much soda and get angry about it."

-Jonathan Blood ( Explaining to his little brother what “drunk” means. )

"When I get back I’ll be sticky and fuzzy."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On visiting a store that sells yarn and honey. )

"I had a son who I missed so I put some cinnamon rolls in his spot and I found I didn’t miss him as much."

-Mike Sheppard

"Great speech Dad"

-Henry Sheppard ( The prodigal son returns )

"People at the beach don't like you to yell "shark." We found that out."

-Uncle Harold Rieck

"Teddy’s doing the five stages of underpants."

-Henry Sheppard ( Afraid to ask what they are. )

"I was the first one in the car not the invisible guys. They were behind me."

-Lucy Sheppard ( How would she know? )

"Tomorrow? That’s in a couple days!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"He’s a good lurking kid."

-Mike Rieck

"Owww. Why do I have a spine?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Complaining about old man pains )

"Because you’re a vertebrate?"

-Henry Sheppard ( He’s not wrong... )

"I'm going to tush your pinchie!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Wait...reverse that )

"My friendship can be bought. I’m not proud."

-Joshua Hudson

"Daddy, do you remember what dinosaurs look like?"

-Lucy Sheppard

"I’m not that old Honey."

-Mike Sheppard

"Were you afraid of them when you were a little boy?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Not taking a hint. )

"The less I know the more I don’t."

-Mike Sheppard

"Now I know less."

-Eli Rieck

"You could beat him if you just brought your appetite."

-Henry Sheppard ( On the stay-puft marshmallow man )

"That’s a heck of a performance art!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On Spontaneously Generating Yourself )

"No more juice today. Otherwise you’re going to turn into a juice pack and a straw is going to grow out of the top of your head!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her daughter, the juice enthusiast )

"I’m just imagining the worst case scenario!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Relaxing herself before bed. )

"Here this is your cat. It has extra toes. Then it peed on my Mom’s carpet so she had it put down."

-Bill Reynolds ( On growing up in Yakima )

"Teddy I need to think of a quote"

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset that his brother was on some pillows )

"Toot"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Out The Wrong End )

"Spoon and duck rhyme"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Totally Wrong )

"But I’m scared right now!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Why?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"For no reason."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Channeling his mother )

"You’re not wrong, but you’re not nice."

-Brian Blood ( Emotional as usual )

"I’ve done a terrible job at succeeding."

-Henry Sheppard ( Lamenting his continual failure to locate his wallet )

"Smell my face!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Claiming she was filthy and needed a bath )

"I wanted you to take a bath or a shower Teddy, but not at the dinner table!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Evening as usual at the Sheppard household )

"Is that puke?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On Cat food )

"Know what? I am taller than a chicken."

-Henry Sheppard ( Height is relative. )

"Daddy needs to eat lunch. He can't survive on love alone."

-Mike Sheppard ( Detaching himself from his daughter who was in a hugging mood. )

"Everyone dies Dad."

-Lucy Sheppard

"Something smells bad."

-Lucy Sheppard

"It's probably my lotion."

-Kristin Sheppard

"No - it's my Toot!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"Are they called rain glasses now?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( About her Mommy’s rain drop covered sunglasses. )

"Where are they going?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don’t know. To the future?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( While watching a movie. )

"That is the downside of being you."

-Mike Sheppard ( To His wife, on her responsibility for cleaning everything. )

"That’s the key - once you give up you always succeed. No wait! Don’t take that lesson home with you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Backpedaling on his fatherly advice. )

"They can have their way with you too out there!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On why cruise ships sail in international waters )

"This is a brilliant idea that I just had."

-Brian Blood ( About Mike’s idea )

"I’m going to do a little light fraud, you just have to agree."

-Joshua Hudson ( On medical billing )

"Please don’t tell me she’s at the Beaver’s house!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On the whereabouts of her mother. Still traumatized by the OSU mascot. )

"Rage is the constant state of being. We start with rage and we move to love."

-Joshua Hudson ( Philosopher for a New Age )

"Maybe he dropped it out my window and a deer ate it. Haha!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On what happened to her brother’s lost stylus. )

"Ooh! Let’s go buy an adult!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( What exactly do they sell at ‘adult’ shops? )

"No don’t let him be my friend I’m scared of him!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( On the OSU mascot )

"People and Vegetables must be as one!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On plant unity )

"I hurt myself - AND YOU MADE ME!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Playing ‘nicely’ with his little sister )

"You’re a remarkably ignorant individual. No offense."

-Brian Blood ( The ‘No Offense’ makes this ok. )

"Normally I’d come with my totally real daughter but she’s not here today."

-Joshua Hudson ( An excuse for watching the Twilight movies alone in a theatre with a bunch of teenagers. )

"You can’t really hurt children. I drop my children on their heads all the time."

-Brian Blood

"No offense, but I made the best weight in the world!"

-Henry Sheppard ( No offense taken )

"Snipers have jump jets. Trust me, I play one on the internet!"

-Mike Sheppard ( The snipers on TV seem to cover ground very quickly )

"EVIL is the worst crime!!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"That’s not amazing. "

-Lucy Sheppard ( About living, walking jump ropes. )

"What’s Amazing?"

-Mike Sheppard

"THESE COOL MOVES!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Begins dancing / Kung fu fighting )

"In this day and age, you can't smell the trainer, what are you doing?"

-Joshua Hudson ( Gym Ettiquette )

"I have doctor powers! I can touch people and make them doctors!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( She should charge for that. )

"I like cats. They are my cutest enemy!"

-Zac Hudson ( Dogs vs Cats )

"I can’t remember my childhood. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Age 6 )

"WEAR SHIRTS TEDDY!"

-Henry Sheppard ( To his brother that had just spilled hot soup on his bare chest. )

"What are you doing?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her three-year-old daughter who was sitting in a bathtub with a strange expression on her face. )

"Im agonizing. "

-Lucy Sheppard

"They could call them...wait for it...LuLa-Crow!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Chickens wearing dresses )

" I've never heard of root-beer float flavored eggs "

-Henry Sheppard

"I wish there wasn't an eclipse. Then I would be farther in Pikmin. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Denied Video games during the Eclipse. )

"What about a ghost-dog's beard?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( What about it? )

"I'm a little concerned that my wife just texted me 'Do we have a hacksaw?'"

-Steve Kollmansberger

"Do you think that AR is going to be the next big thing or a fad?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Fad"

-Theodore Sheppard

"How about Virtual Reality? Do you think that VR will be the next big thing or a fad?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Fad"

-Theodore Sheppard

"So what do you think the next big thing will be?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Fidget spinners."

-Theodore Sheppard ( After considerable thought. )

"You're not old! Grandma and Grandpa are old!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( About her rapidly aging father )

"Today at school I learned that a figure with 22 sides is called a Icosikaidigon!"

-Gabe Hudson

"Is that a cuss word?"

-Zac Hudson ( Took his older brother until 3rd grade to learn all the bad ones.. )

"I help people who have burned their peeners. "

-Marshall Crabtree ( On the pros and cons of being a pharmacist )

"Teddy, there are new babies born every day."

-Henry Sheppard ( On the Magic of new life )

"I wonder what their name is? [pause to ponder] Poopy McFartle?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Ok, maybe it's not so magical. )

"I can still run, and be funny. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( About a knee injury that prevented him from doing chores. )

"Choose wisely!"

-Eli Rieck

"There's no wisely in here."

-Silas Rieck ( 3 )

"...if someone tells me to."

-Theodore Sheppard ( On if he wanted to become a leader someday. )

"I'm only bad a few times a day. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( On whether he was a good boy. )

"You need to be wearing shorts of some kind. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( In repsponse to her husbands request for her to take some tasteful nude pictures of hin )

"Maybe instead of emerging as fully formed human beings children could begin as grubs with a sort of a straw that sucks the life out of you. They could develop arms, legs and talking mouths later."

-Mike Sheppard ( On building a better tomorrow )

"You've clearly never nursed a baby."

-Kristin Sheppard

"We're arguing about your dad's perception of me blowing farts at Thanksgiving. This is ridiculous!"

-Danica Rieck

"Someday I will go extinct and it will be up you you boys and your sister to remember everything that I have ever told you. "

-Mike Sheppard

"What did you just say?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Wasn't listening )

"Every Chicken has a mango. Every mango has a dream. "

-Mike Sheppard

"A dream to become a chicken. "

-Steve Kollmansberger ( And the circle has become complete. )

"Do you want to see a video about one of the most beautiful places on earth?"

-Mike Sheppard

"If you say 'My Pants' I'm out. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Every chicken has a mango. "

-Joshua Hudson ( On fruit in Hawaii )

"You might feel my wind!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"My favorite! Hot meat!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"WHERE ARE YOUR TEETH?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Just another day at the Sheppard household )

"Are you sad because you realized your family is insane?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her crying daughter )

"Your family is in Spain?!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Been working on geography )

"Fortunately they could still hear my screams. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Not all childhood memories are pleasant. )

"I will be watching Men's Tiddlywinks on Bravo. "

-Joshua Hudson ( On the Summer Olympics )

"It looks like it has a wall. What kinds of buildings have walls?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On a new construction project off the freeway )

"A hotel?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( The only viable option )

"I hear things that people aren't saying and I don't understand how!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Uh-oh )

"Mom, mom! I watched a scary movie at Grandma Sheppard's house and it made my brain CRAZY,"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Oh my! What was it?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Sponge Bob SquarePants."

-Theodore Sheppard

"Dinner is for people who eat all their cookies."

-Mike Sheppard ( Wait. . . What? )

"I'm also crazy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( To the orthodontist, when asked about himself. )

"I did not say that. My heart said that. "

-Theodore Sheppard

"It's really hard to let a good joke go just because it's inappropriate and in front of your kids."

-Danica Rieck

"Will Luke [Skywalker] die in the next movie?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah, because he has a beard like Obi Wan."

-Henry Sheppard ( Facial hair: the Achilles heel of Jedi knights )

"Hey, no using the force on your sister. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Henry kept talking about how amazing it would be if he could magically change into shorts at school. Now I'm worried he wore shorts under his jeans and is going to strip down at some inappropriate time."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her shorts loving son, on a cold early-spring morning. )

"You are like an Eel covered in Vaseline. That just ate a pig that was also covered in Vaseline. That had also eaten nothing but Vaseline. For like a week. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his recently over-moisturized daughter )

"Your children are 9/10ths Syrup!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband, on why the chairs are always so sticky )

"It's good that meatballs are not cigarettes!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A big fan of spaghetti )

"In this fictional world of Jelly you would be the Peanut Butter Queen!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to convince his wife to get a pool of Jelly )

"When I was a kid we failed, and we liked it!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Kids these days. )

"In that case it would be secure, because in hammer space 'You can't touch this.'"

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On the security benefits of storing objects in hammer space )

"Teddy, who would win: a Viking or a ninja?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Me!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"Dad! Come and learn the secrets of a ninja warrior! It's very hard because you have to turn into a ball to knock down all of your enemies. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Followed by a brief, horrifying demonstration )

"Dad, are lightsabers real?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Poor kid. Another childhood dream smashed. )

"Stand up on your hind legs mom!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Engaged in a fictitious battle against invisible boss monsters )

"Everything is awesome...when you are...naked!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sung to the tune of the Lego Movie song 'Everything is Awesome' )

"Dad! Guess what's inside of my pants!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( It was a sticker )

"Dairy and gluten are my bread and butter. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Complaining about the food choices available on the Whole 30 diet. )

"How do you tell a grown man he shouldn't eat rocks?"

-Bill Reynolds

"Do you want a knuckle sandwich???"

-Johanna Rieck

"No! I want you to punch me in the face!"

-Danica Rieck

"I saw her butt. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( It was a Kardashian. I'm sure he could have seen worse. )

"I wanted to say 'I love you' but I accidentally said 'fart.'"

-Theodore Sheppard

""But mama, what about the Lego?""

-Zac Hudson ( We thought he was just picking his nose )

"This is annoying me. "

-Henry Sheppard ( His younger siblings were screeching at each other. )

"Mom, your hair is pretty but your face is not. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Someone isn't getting any presents this Christmas. )

"That's when I got excited because I knew the donkeys ass was coming. "

-Joshua Hudson

"I don't want to be chasing my pants around in the parking lot. "

-Brian Blood ( On plastic pants. )

"I cannot live in a world where Steve, Mike, and that one woman who sleeps in my bed are ahead of me in Starcraft."

-Joshua Hudson ( It's a geek-eat-geek world )

"We're really little, but we're strong and creepy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Playing the creepy crone game. )

"The very first time I met my future wife I went over to her dorm room to watch a movie. When she went to the bathroom I quickly changed into her clothes so that there would be no doubt. "

-Steve Kollmansberger

"Bad Guys NEVER hold hands."

-Johanna Rieck

"I'll show you a picture of some gal!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Threatening his staff )

"It's just burned water with stuff in it. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( On soup. )

"Eli, I have your phone."

-Danica Rieck

"...I resisted saying "b'doan" after that."

-Danica Rieck

"Mama, is there super-hyoes in the wold?"

-Sarah Rieck

"Daddy is a super-hero."

-Amy Rieck

"But he's not wearing a blankie!"

-Sarah Rieck

"You guys could sit on your dad's roof, drink beer, and shoot deer."

-Amy Rieck ( Reminding her husband why he married her. )

"Hey you're the banker! Go back to your bank!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Insults from a 6 year old )

"Hey Mom! Look at my Gazmo's!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( He created several 'Gizmos' by taping a bunch of crap together )

"Money is made of money. "

-Henry Sheppard ( On things that are and aren't made of money )

"It's like alien vs predator. Whoever wins, we all lose."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On the upcoming presidential election )

"Destruction. Mayhem. Nudity. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( When asked how her son Teddy was doing )

"We're still on earth, right?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( During the Star Tours ride at Disneyland )

"Teddy, don't do that."

-Kristin Sheppard

"But I want to!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( He's chaotic neutral. )

"The things you learn when putting away leftovers while brushing your teeth."

-Chad Rieck ( Syrup + Wintergreen = Sassafrass! )

"But I'd pack a lunch!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Because you'd obviously get hungry while climbing a really, really, really long ladder to reach the sun. )

"At least that one I can kind of understand because you're looking at pictures of Cheetos, but on Facebook you're talking to people about Cheetos."

-Joshua Hudson ( On the Cheetos social media strategy )

"It says poop robber!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( When asked what was printed on his t-shirt )

"Mike, if you start rolling in your pee, I'm not going to find you any more attractive."

-Amy Rieck ( Mike was considering some courting methods practiced among bison. )

"I don't think I'll be able to forget one shoe and the nose picker for the rest of my days!"

-Mike Sheppard ( People watching at the opera. )

"I'm going to be fatter. "

-Henry Sheppard ( About what it will be like to be a dad someday. )

"Taco time? That's my favorite time!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Am I crazy, Mom? I may be crazy, but I'm not insane!"

-Jezurich Rieck ( Not wanting to jump a semi-truck toward a crowd of gawking by-standers )

"Pretty much everything here in Seattle is evil."

-Gabe Hudson ( Stuck in traffic )

"Except for the Seahawks!"

-Gabe Hudson ( After a short delay )

"Has it been five minutes since we left [the mall]?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Yes."

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't have to go to the bathroom!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On peeing every five minutes. )

"Generally you don't label your pickle containers with 'Open outdoors'."

-Joshua Hudson ( Tips on labeling homemade pickles )

"The more of this cider I drink the more I like it. That is the mark of a good alcohol. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his first batch of hard cider )

"And bad alcohol. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Josh is right."

-Mike Sheppard ( It doesn't happen often.. )

"You can't see the thing under my pants!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Embarrassed by the pictures he'd drawn on his legs )

"Dad! If you're too big to fit in the car you can't go to the store to buy video games, right?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( On practical reasons for staying trim and healthy )

"I have something important to say to you!!"

-Henry Sheppard

"What is it?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Teddy peed in a bowl!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Tattling on his little brother )

"I thought I was picking a sprinkle off my chest...IT WAS FACE MASK!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the hazards of eating a doughnut while wearing a face mask )

"Why is Lucy curious about everything?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Because she is a baby. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"And because she has a small brain. "

-Henry Sheppard ( Showing his sibling love. )

"I don't think I'll feel really old until we have his and her pill boxes. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On aging )

"Even though I'm not wearing underwear I still look totally cool!"

-Gabe Hudson ( Wait.. You're not wearing what? )

"Listen kid. Someday you will grow up, lose most of your hair, and get to talk to your future wife during dinner about how your child was pooping at the playground. Something to look forward to."

-Joshua Hudson ( Giving his 7 year old life advice )

"My ph is off balance! I'm turning acidic! I'm melting away in my own juices!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Freaking out a bit )

"I'm going to wake up one morning and next to me in bed will be nothing but a puddle and some dental fillings. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Didn't sound overly concerned. )

"Henry, draw a big poop!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Shouting out the front door to his brother drawing on the sidewalk )

"If I did, it would look like you!"

-Henry Sheppard ( #brothers )

"You're as pretty as a gumongious moon!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Wait...what kind of moon? )

"I'm too cold! This place is full of fans!!!!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( On first world problems )

"I have a super-mouth! It evolved from my regular mouth. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Been watching too much Pokemon )

"Don't leave without my lovely Mommy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Concerned that Mommy wouldn't make it to the car in time. )

"Helmi, go make me a dessert that doesn't have any calories, no sugar and tastes like German chocolate cake. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her cat. Good luck with that. )

"It tastes like honey bees is your tummy with stinky rotten socks!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On unprocessed sugar cane )

"My wife made fun of my face. "

-Brian Blood

"Dad, you're too fat to go ice skating. "

-Henry Sheppard ( But a polar bear can skate on thin ice. )

"It's not nice to spy on your neighbors. I'm going upstairs for a better view."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Unless they're getting arrested. )

"Sometimes I have the strength and sometimes I don't. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( On asking his mom to open something for him. )

"He still looks nice. He isn't funny at all. I will not laugh at him. "

-Henry Sheppard ( about a balding family friend, during a discussion on male pattern baldness )

"I only wish you would do more things for me sarcastically. "

-Mike Sheppard ( A willing spirit is not needed )

"Hey Dad! This is a cup that starts with 'M'! It's a silent 'M'..."

-Theodore Sheppard ( A 4-year old practicing spelling )

"You're drinking herbal tea. It doesn't have any of the benefit of drinking caffeine, and none of the flavor of eating pure sugar."

-Mike Sheppard ( Pointing out the herbal tea is ridiculous )

"This is what happens when you get old - you injure yourself sleeping. "

-Brian Blood

"She was happiest looking at me!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Claiming that his baby sister preferred him to his brother )

"You're a 'P' backwards!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Insults from a 5-year old while working on homework )

"I find it odd that I think nothing is weird about smelling my child's butt. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( While checking on a diaper )

"Highway--that's French for freeway."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Parlez vous francais? )

"I want it to be LEGO. "

-Henry Sheppard ( On what he wants his baby sisters' first word to be. )

"Damn wives. That's why I never took one myself. "

-Olivia Hudson

"I don't trust you to dig through your poop and not get me involved somehow "

-Brian Blood

"Mommies are like a slave. How long have you been a slave mom?"

-Henry Sheppard

"About 6 years Henry. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her about 6-year-old son )

"It scared the spider in my ear!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Holding a loudly beeping toy up to his ear )

"Look Mom! Imagination!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( A 4-year old assembling a puzzle incorrectly )

"I want to hatch the egg."

-Theodore Sheppard ( He meant crack. )

"Chocolate is the Cat's Meow!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Out of the blue, with no chocolate in sight )

"I hear a song coming on. Let's dance!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( During the credits after a movie. )

"I am NOT putting up a baby gate for my vaccuum! "

-Joshua Hudson ( Arguing about Roombas and Stairs )

"I mean, I have enough money but I value my marriage."

-Joshua Hudson ( On future technology purchases )

"Mom, you can be the mean dragon and Lucy will be the baby princess. I'll be the knight. "

-Henry Sheppard

"Teddy, who will you be?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I'm a T-Rex! ROAR!!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"It's ok to hit on my wife, not me!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( To creepy Steve )

"Our house could be the world if we were smaller! Our house could be the world and our car and beds would be smaller. Would that be amazing?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( A 4-year old, on life's greatest revelations )

"But we're living in a world of cheese..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( In a beegee's style sing song voice )

"That song is dumb. "

-Henry Sheppard

"I have so many dongles."

-Joshua Hudson ( On first world problems )

"You live in the Milky Way Galaxy."

-Joshua Hudson ( Talking science with the boys )

"No I don't! I live in Mommy's House."

-Zac Hudson ( Truth )

"I'm going July 5th, which is after the 4th."

-Joshua Hudson ( The 4th of what? )

"There's just no winning if you don't win. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( One of life's great truths )

"At halftime do the Seahawks go potty?"

-Gabe Hudson ( Concerned )

"I could save a lot of money by living really far out and teleporting to work!"

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On choosing a super power )

"...I got married to the Winkie next door, she's been married seven times before.."

-Henry Sheppard ( On Winkie the Eighth )

"I'm nagging you to nag me!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On if reminding someone to do something counts as nagging. )

"They're like little morons. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On babies. )

"The more you look at something the more it looks the same as it did before. "

-Mike Sheppard

"That is very true."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( Said sadly )

"You were just thinking of your wife, weren't you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Question met only with incessant laughter )

"Say 'Chicken Lips!'"

-Dan Sheppard ( Posing his 3-year-old Grandson for a photo )

"Chicken Dicks!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Wait...what??? )

"Just answer the question and you won't die!"

-Bill Reynolds

"When do we stop talking?"

-Brian Blood ( During an uncomfortable conversation )

"Mom, Penguin milk is DEE-WISH-OUS!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Picture of a Penguin on the side of the milk carton )

"At that point it's just four guys hugging each other. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On tackling the Seahawks )

"Meat makes me faster!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Running around the room after eating some tacos. )

"Ninja Cha Cha! That's a lesson for Ninjas and they have to learn it! They go like this!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( I wish you could add pictures to this thing... )

"Blacksmiths were the pool boys of the Middle Ages. "

-Joshua Hudson ( There was some hammering that happened )

"My wife won't let me go to work without pants. I've asked. "

-Joshua Hudson ( On who has the bossier spouse )

"Just once I want a Mormon to come up to me and punch me in the face. "

-Joshua Hudson

"Henry! What is best in life?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Going to school!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( That attitude will change. )

"Effort! Vision! Ambition! These are not words that describe me."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( At least he's honest with himself. )

"Can't suck that though!"

-Todd Ganey ( Smash bros smack talk )

"It's basically boogers mixed with a cough. "

-Gabe Hudson ( Describing his sickness to his doctor )

"I've found cheese in some weird places, but never in my back pocket."

-Danica Rieck

"You can't date anyone until after you are married Lucy. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laying some ground rules for her infant daughter. )

"Your husband doesn't think that you're the most beautiful woman in the world. He only says that to mollify you."

-Mike Sheppard ( Making new friends )

"If it was worth doing it wouldn't be hard. "

-Steve Kollmansberger ( Easy to implement == Good Idea )

"You sound like a banshee screaming like a baby. "

-Henry Sheppard ( To his brother )

"You apparently have not heard the legend of the amply bosomed Belgian belles of Belfast?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Belgian Brassieres )

"Brussels. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( That would have made more sense. )

"If you send the Incredible Hulk a letter for Christmas instead of Santa Claus do you know what you get?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Asking his 3-year old son )

"TOENAIL FUNGUS!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Didn't give her son a chance to answer )

"Why won't he let him go? Is he a bad guy?"

-Gabe Hudson ( During his first listen of Bohemian Rhapsody )

"But on the bright side the eight is just a three."

-Mike Sheppard ( On an awesome new numbering system )

"Do you know who Abraham Lincoln is?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I saw him in the Lego movie!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( In the future there is only Lego )

"My butt is my shield!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Tends to be a minimalist when it comes to war )

"Hulk is probably stronger than Ultron if he uses his rage."

-Henry Sheppard ( A 5 year olds' take on the Age of Ultron trailer )

"Buddy you have had at least 30 shots and have been fine."

-Joshua Hudson ( Convincing his son his flu shot will be ok )

"I know! But I really don't want to get number 31."

-Gabe Hudson ( Math As A Defense )

"Be careful, you don't want to shave the wrong area."

-Joshua Hudson ( To his boss )

"Or the wrong thing!"

-Bill Reynolds

"We wouldn't do it if you all weren't so HOT!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, on the objectification of women )

"You wouldn't do it if you all weren't such pigs!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"If your company is run by the original vampire Cain then you're going to come out with some strange RPGs."

-Joshua Hudson

"FACT"

-Brian Blood

"Want to see the easy way down the stairs Dad?"

-Theodore Sheppard

"What's the easy way?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sliding on your tummy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Sounds legit )

"Mom, can you make me some lunch?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Sure, you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

-Kristin Sheppard

"What? Only one option?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Starvation is always an option )

"But I can't knit a shawl on it. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On things that can't be used as alternatives to knitting needles )

"Tomorrow I'm going to feed him nothing but Cheese and Concrete."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her son who's been having some issues wiping his own backside. )

"Honey, please talk quieter so our children don't get scarred."

-Danica Rieck

"I'll tell you what, that dude screams real pretty."

-Joshua Hudson ( At a soundgarden concert )

"I've got a castle on a cloud. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Sung in a very bad falsetto )

"[silence]"

-Everyone else in the car

"Well, that ended the conversation. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Now knows how to clear a room )

"Whenever I get a Skylander, you dump all my coins out!"

-Gabe Hudson ( Money Management )

"I'm going to count your ears! 1...2...3...5!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"You're being silly. There are only 3!"

-Henry Sheppard ( There are? )

"I've never truly found a good game mate for those long winter nights."

-Joshua Hudson ( In response to a quote from a five-year-old. )

"Who's going to be my game mate?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Could you say that again slower? )

"Everything is easier with four hands."

-Dion Midkiff ( And he knows how...? )

"There are a bunch of big trees in this world."

-Theodore Sheppard ( On planet Earth. )

"How do I know if I can trust you that you'll give me the meat later?"

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On trading meat for trench digging )

"That's what they don't tell you about economics - sometimes when you are married you aren't allowed to have some things. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On supply, demand and ultra-light helicopters. )

"Mommy - your tummy is as it should be. "

-Henry Sheppard ( To his recently but no longer pregnant mum )

"I want have TEN more babies!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO )

"That's SO weird! Not only did your vasectomy not work, but it made you have Mexican babies!"

-Danica Rieck

"You're a time boob."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband, ending the conversation. )

"Dad, babies sure are loud."

-Henry Sheppard ( On his new sister )

"I want to be a backup dancer for Justin Timberlake."

-Danica Rieck

"(unbridled snorting laughter)"

-Eli Rieck

"Guess I'm crossing that off my bucket list."

-Danica Rieck

"You Sheppards are too late to see my picture, I just moped it up!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Drawing a picture with the mop )

"Just because you were being a jerk doesn't mean you should apologize."

-Mike Sheppard ( Mike doesn't have a lot of friends. )

"Riverdancing mixed with pole dancing. That's what I do."

-Danica Rieck ( It's just hard to imagine, but when I get there, it'll be hilarious. )

"That's because they are so burned out on life that they forget to die!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On women with larger families living longer )

"Mom, are bowling balls marbles?"

-Gabe Hudson

"Bowling balls are the evolved form of marbles, buddy."

-Olivia Hudson ( Pokemon Logic )

"Teddy, you're turning awfully pink. Are you ok?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To a sunburn prone Toddler )

"I can be pink if I want to."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Not concerned about the sunshine )

"So...I learned something very valuable. DO NOT fill up your two year old with Swedish fish because they will come up in the middle of the night."

-Joshua Hudson

"I'm sorry you're not very good at being a Mexican gangster, honey."

-Danica Rieck

"Then we realized we were in the wilderness surrounded by things that were probably GMO'ed by Jesus himself."

-Joshua Hudson ( On the realization that GMO crops have been around for awhile. )

"That last mass suicide in Arizona was actually a potluck."

-Joshua Hudson ( On modern food allergies and the death of the potluck )

"Mommy, I can grow boogers!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( A sick 3 year old )

"But I just cried and whined while picking up."

-Henry Sheppard ( On being told good boys would get a treat after all the legos were picked up. )

"Spaghetti heaven is our tummies. "

-Henry Sheppard ( At dinner )

"Mom! The smoke thinks you're beautiful!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( At a camp fire. )

"When I farted, I had to give up."

-Danica Rieck

"It was like a walk of shame, but they had Baked Lays!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Shopping at Walmart at 6 am.. )

"THAT'S what I'm gonna ask Abraham Lincoln if I ever see him - 'Why no mustache, Abe?'"

-Danica Rieck ( I'd just woken her from a dream )

"You know what you are? A hot hunk of burning love... I was gonna say 'dipwad' but I changed my mind at the last second."

-Danica Rieck

"How come we don't poop with our ears?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Is there anything I can do without my right hand?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Lamenting his Carpal tunnel while his wife snickered )

"What time is it when a lion eats your kangaroo Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Playing with a Kangaroo and Lion toy )

"5:30?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Look at the young girls, Dad!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Watching a girls softball game )

"What time is it when a lion eats your kangaroo? Time to get a new Kangaroo!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Making some funnies )

"Mommy! My bones feel polka-dotty!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He blames the flu shot )

"It stinks with joy. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( It didn't. )

"I put my hand in cry water!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Very upset, and missing his pants )

"Mommy, this car does stink. It smells like cat butt."

-Henry Sheppard

"Do you feel loved?"

-Mike Sheppard

"No"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Do you feel weirded out?"

-Mike Sheppard

"A little bit..."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I would like to point out that the world is almost comfortable with the concept of orgy pants. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Spoken by another person in a dream )

"What's that on his vagina?!!!!!!"

-Johanna Rieck ( Said with a gasp in regards to her baby brother )

"I think these underpants are too small. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her giant, potty training toddler )

"Maybe they're for the baby. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( To his pregnant mother )

"Weird Al shouldn't count. He's actually pretty mainstream for being weird. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the weird bands Mike listens to )

"Hey boys - if you're going to fight go do it where someone won't get hurt. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his sons )

"I had asparagus with my dinner!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Overheard through the restroom door, singing to herself )

"It's like a taste test, but for razor blades!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( If your last name is Sheppard this makes sense. )

"How weird would it be to live right above your poop?"

-Scott Hamilton

"They're all mollusks...except the ones that aren't..."

-Mike Rieck

"I'll let you hold something that's approximately eight inches."

-Joshua Hudson ( Discussing tablets )

"I'm just going to trust that there is a reason that it smells bad. "

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On not using his tea cup )

"Australia is the Walmart of nations."

-Mike Rieck

"It's always risky pulling an uncle's finger."

-Danica Rieck ( to her daughter )

"I just can't...praise him...more..."

-Todd Ganey ( Appearing physically pained )

"I'm going to be the mother who was loved to death."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her 2 year old is a super beast and hugs like a freight train )

"It was YOU!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Accusing his mother of throwing a paper towel at him )

"How do you know?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Because I'm so smart!"

-Henry Sheppard ( We'll see if that holds up in court. )

"Are you going to eat the rest of your bagel Teddy?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Genuinely curious )

"Yeah! Then I will poop on its head forever!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Not sure who 'it' is but I hope it's no one I know. )

"They never let poor Rudolph"

-Mike Sheppard ( Singing Christmas songs with his boys )

"LIKE CANASTA!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Said after every line in the song )

"Play in any reindeer games!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Gestures to Theodore )

"[Silence]"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Like Canasta?"

-Mike Sheppard

"YEAH!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Hey let's knock this over!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Why is that always the first thing that comes to mind? )

"Can you bludgeon me do death with this please?"

-Mike Sheppard

"But then who will bludgeon me?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Two sick parents with two healthy children )

"Why is it that things that are 'medically necessary' for you are all things that sound illegal for me?"

-Mike Sheppard ( About massages )

"I'm probably more high and brain-dead than I realize."

-Danica Rieck

"I have some chocolate in my pee water, want some?"

-Johanna Rieck

"Teddy and my relationship transcends common sense."

-Mike Sheppard ( About his 2 year old son )

"That describes most of your relationships."

-Kristin Sheppard

"The Apples are red!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Are they delicious?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Yeah! But they're not real. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Discussing some artwork )

"Mommy! Teddy's making me bottom soup!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sounding very upset )

"Well, you don't have to eat it. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"You're big! And you can reach the ceiling! And you can do everything on your butt!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Trying to talk his Mom into getting him a cup of water )

"Big poo-poos are the best. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( On Potty training )

"Anything for you, you son of a bitch."

-Danica Rieck

"That's marriage. To a T."

-Eli Rieck

"Daddy! You're so big. We love you!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( To his exercising Dad. )

"I don't have time to put on my pants the right way!"

-Danica Rieck

"It's dark and cold all of the time and I loved it!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Iceland. )

"Earthquakes are not ADA compliant."

-Tom Stidham

"I will never shove my cleavage in Bill's face."

-Joshua Hudson ( To his boss )

"I can't believe you have a thousand shoes Mom, because you don't have a thousand feet!"

-Gabe Hudson

"That is something goofy I have done. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Marrying Mike Sheppard )

"These are real people honey! They are showing real people! You can tell because they are sooooo ugly!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Impressed by a commercial )

"Do you remember the time I had to stop you from saying 'the dickens'?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her husband has a problem with catch phrases )

"Turn off the rain!"

-Henry Sheppard ( So that's what that middle switch in the living room does )

"Jojo, is Daddy pretending he has boobies by holding up wine glasses to his chest?"

-Danica Rieck ( I have no idea why she said that. )

"Fish to the rescue!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Said while punching his Dad in the nards )

"I love you. You're handsome. Yadda yadda. Put your tooth in."

-Danica Rieck

"We wrecked them way back then. They said 'Oh this is disgusting'. No, this is paradise you idiots!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On topless island women )

"Once drug money has been funneled through a spider-goat, it's clean money!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On how to launder money )

"There's an emergency at the boy's house. Wait a minute...THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( While playing Legos )

"I'm showing an empty button hole."

-Joshua Hudson ( On office attire. )

"I'd rather have Beer in a jar than Ketchup in a bottle."

-Mike Sheppard ( On a jar filled future. )

"I don't know why I took all my clothes off."

-Danica Rieck ( truly perplexed )

"Can you imagine if your kid was born with a perfect Hitler mustache?"

-Danica Rieck

"WE'RE DOOMED!"

-Eli Rieck

"Marriage sounded pretty good until I found out that the other person is a completely autonomous human being."

-Mike Sheppard

"That would be cool. Instead of a wife I could have a slave girl I could control with magic powers."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On the benefits of black magic )

"The NSA will use all of their space lasers to give people vasectomies from orbit!"

-Mike Sheppard ( He meant to say 'Lobotomies' )

"What we need here is for Satan to come in and sign all of our contracts in blood so that when they break the contract back they are summoned straight to hell. "

-Bill Reynolds ( On Government Service )

"You found a forge in a field?"

-Mike Sheppard

"With a Llama and a Goat!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Of course! )

"It's slightly less creepy except that it's at crotch level..."

-Joshua Hudson ( On his colleague's Mirror contraption. )

"Maybe, if it seems the world is out to get you, it's because you suck. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On self fulfilling prophecies )

"Did you hear that dadda?"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Yes. Was that you?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah! It can from my bottom!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Looking very proud of himself. )

"Squirrel suits and cannons dear. Squirrel suits and cannons. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his vision of commuting in the future )

"I'm going to retire when I'm six."

-Henry Sheppard ( On life's big decisions. )

"I just tried a "yo mama" joke on my daughter. That doesn't work."

-Danica Rieck

"Don't check in my pants Da Da!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sitting in the corner, looking guilty )

"Then it got so long I couldn't shave it!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On growing a beard. )

"I should go to Europe. Maybe that's where I'll wake up hairy."

-Joshua Hudson ( On growing a beard. )

"Jeez! He's gonna keep you busy all night with all of his sharts!"

-Danica Rieck ( Newborns are great )

"There's no Bears at the high school!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Near Olympia High School, home of the Bears )

"Your aunt is also a dude!"

-Joshua Hudson

"You are my honey and you are sweeter than any sugar!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"And you are dorkier than any whale penis. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Never learned to take a compliment. )

"It takes a lot of skill to get a big ball in a small hole."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing basketball )

"I like women more and more every time I talk to him!!!!"

-Joshua Hudson

"She's going to give me incredible ninja powers!"

-Gabe Brady ( Being led away by a young lass. )

"I don't like getting dirty. "

-Jessica Brady ( She shouldn't have married Mark, and shouldn't have had kids. )

"I thought it was fake. This is a Scifi!!!"

-Todd Ganey ( On the miracle of child birth )

"You need toilet paper? You're going to the hospital!! "

-Todd Ganey ( Life is frugal at the Ganey household. )

"Why do you think I married you? Your mom lured me to do it!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the deviousness of Laurie Sheppard )

"It's not a dime! It's one of the moneys dadda!!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Looked like a dime to me )

"You don't want to go to sleep alone and wake up in the middle of a party."

-Bill Reynolds ( Good advice )

"It's more tragic when the man dies! Then the woman is left destitute AND sad!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Hollywood tragedies where the woman dies )

"Your eyes are like roses. Sometimes stinky, and pokey!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( He has the soul of a poet )

"I want butt cakes Mom..."

-Henry Sheppard ( Prefers pancakes shape like butts )

"I have a bruise on my heart!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Hurt himself crawling around under the bed. )

"The moral of this story is : Don't let Daddy tell stories without first drafting an outline. "

-Mike Sheppard ( The story took a wrong turn. )

"I'm not a sea monster! I'm a good boy. "

-Theodore Sheppard

"Can't I go on a bender? Pleeeeeaase?"

-Danica Rieck

"There's balls everywhere in my vision! This is really hard. "

-Joshua Hudson ( On juggling )

"Eli! There's no safe way to set a baby on fire!"

-Danica Rieck ( for obvious reasons )

"There's food here. It's me!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Cannibals rarely run out of munchies )

"I don't want to be young again!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He's four. )

"I'm not frozen in carbonite! I'm a good boy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( In response to his older brother's chastisement. )

"If you teeder, then you have to totter!"

-Gabe Hudson ( How the playground works. )

"I'm frozen in carbonite!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On why he can't take a bath )

"I gotta tell you Henry, during tank top season it pays to be tall. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son, on the benefits of height. )

"It's not going anywhere, it's stuck on there good!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On his bottom )

"Holy crap! I forgot how prolific I once was on the quote board. I guess that changes when your only friends end up being your kids and the road..."

-Nathan Goff ( In a private message to Mike Sheppard concerning the quote board. )

"Giggling, when you don't know where it's coming from, is the scariest thing possible."

-Danica Rieck

"Oh, I'm not turning into He-Man! I don't have the power."

-Henry Sheppard ( Big sad face. )

"You can't do anything for me! I just want to sit here and cry!!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( It was late, and he was tired. )

"And suddenly Henry has become a woman."

-Mike Sheppard

"Act like a human being!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Yelling at her kids. )

"In my heart of hearts I am a Microsoft fanboy."

-Joshua Hudson ( Showing his true colors. )

"I like licking cake!"

-Henry Sheppard ( I don't care if you like it. Stop! )

"If I wanted to hear high-pitched, whiny voices, I'd listen to my children. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On certain female vocalists )

"That is how it worked in my family. I had two kids, they stole my nuts. "

-Todd Ganey ( On life )

"This tastes good. Nuts being the forbidden fruit in my house. "

-Mark Brady ( Eating nuts. His kids have allergies. )

"Without a cake it's just us giving Matt a tube and playing risk. But with a cake it's a birthday party!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Party planning 101 )

"We'd be so much more outdoorsy if we were paralyzed."

-Danica Rieck ( We're too tired to go for a walk, but man, those motorized wheelchairs sound awesome. )

"You look like an Iranian woman that works construction."

-Danica Rieck

"If I take you there will you take your top off?"

-Mike Sheppard ( His wife was planning vacations again. )

"YES"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The Sheppard's are going on vacation! )

"Then my wife got there and well, she's Irish..."

-Tom Stidham ( Problems signing contracts.. )

"You'd be really surprised how hard it is to NOT date your cousin..."

-Joshua Hudson ( On growing up in a small community )

"1! 2! 3 4 5 Butt!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I want a blue bike for Christmas!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I thought you wanted a bike for your birthday."

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh I do. I've been tricking myself."

-Henry Sheppard

"Daddy you're being a good boy. You listened to me. "

-Henry Sheppard

"Teddy, give me the cumin..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( From the other room it sounded like a hostage situation )

"You two kids do seem to be stupidly happy all the time. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his kids, on the joys of childhood )

"I'm coughing on this day. "

-Henry Sheppard ( After coughing. )

"I don't need resolution, I'm just a boy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( After being told he needs resolution. )

"Rascally female! Where is she?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Learning from Daddy. Mommy is not amused. )

"Need step stool daddy!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Dragging a step stool larger than himself behind him )

"What for?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't know!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Every time I go to Virginia Mason they take my pants!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On modern medicine. )

"Well, my lips are chapped, but my face feels fantastic!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Mistook his wife's lip scrub for face wash in the shower )

"I am both happy to see you AND I have a salami in my pocket!"

-Danica Rieck

"Men should NOT wear leotards and do things like this!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( While watching a music video. )

"I probably bought a dishwasher from your mom! Is she a heavier set man?"

-Joshua Hudson ( After finding out a coworkers Mom works at Lowe's. )

"Do not eat me up! I am not raising fine young cannibals!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Yelled at her children. )

"Say butt mama! Say butt!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Thinks butts are pretty funny. )

"I'm not going to say butt. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Winning the argument? )

"I want some M&Ms. Murder makes me hungry. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While watching a murder mystery. )

"Unless you've been rolling in the Ebola virus you do NOT need a bath!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Opposed to letting her children have multiple baths a day. )

"No Henry, we don't say 'Poo-Pop' mouth. What we do do is eat our dinner!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laying down the law! )

"That's right Henry! We 'doodoo' our dinner!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Not helping. )

"Did you remember to coat your body with superglue in all the parts they weren't supposed to touch?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Josh's recent medical procedure )

"Is it a bad time to tell you where the rubber glove is hanging from?"

-Joshua Hudson

"#wifesinnapropriateuseofhashtag"

-Liv Hudson ( Geek husbands and the soapboxes they choose to stand upon. )

"In retrospect I should not have tried that on the HR lady."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( Things not to do in the office.. )

"I'm going to dangle my sausage a you!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Making Jambalaya )

"OH, that not big snake poo-poo..."

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset about his latest BM )

"I've smelled other men..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Wait...what??? )

"Mommy, are you happy? Can I have candy?"

-Henry Sheppard ( In a concerned little voice )

"Unlike you, I am not wearing pants."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Anything goes in Seattle )

"Teddy!!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( At her son who was drinking pure maple syrup right from the container )

"Maybe they don't know its cold.. Tree's are stupid."

-Mike Sheppard ( Planting Trees In The Winter )

"Recue bots stop singing! Now rescue bots roll the the rescue after singing!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Playing with Rescue bots. )

"I think that's a good case for polygamy. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On needing a designated driver )

"We're stuck in the building. It's time to create a new society."

-Mike Sheppard ( It's been snowing for 15 minutes. )

"I want it to be Christmas Eve again!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I woke my kids up! It's Christmas damn it!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Would you rather say "nipples" in front of your parents, or "vagina?""

-Danica Rieck ( Tough choice )

"Where is that music coming from? It's going into my ear!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Somewhat alarmed )

"All great quotes deal with strangling. Or poop."

-Kristin Sheppard

"No one tells you that you simultaneously want to strangle and love your child."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On potty training )

"My underpants! I love them!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He is easily pleased. )

"Butt paste not for mouths!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Looking at his brother with a look of contempt )

"Buddy! It's time to take a shower!"

-Olivia Hudson ( To her oldest.. )

"But I took a shower LAST year!"

-Gabe Hudson ( Proving his Mom's point. )

"It is broken. Daddy needs to fix it."

-Henry Sheppard ( Showing his Mom a broken christmas ornament. )

"Where's the rest of the ornament?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"In my pants."

-Henry Sheppard

"Come on baby wipe my face!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Did I just start a cult?"

-Danica Rieck ( ruefully )

"Golly, I'm not feeling too well."

-Eli Rieck

"Maybe it was something you ate."

-Danica Rieck

"Well I have been mauing on those rotten pies."

-Eli Rieck

"Hold on to your hat!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( During a Christmas movie while Santa was flying in his sleigh. )

"Henry! Stop that or Daddy will destroy all life on earth!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Parenting at it's finest. )

"No!!!! Don't destroy all life on earth!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Henry saved the world )

"If they don't eat they don't poop."

-Kristin Sheppard ( After a solid week of diarrhea. )

"You can't laugh at dinner time!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He prefers a somber thanksgiving. )

"Are you looking for mama's marble?"

-Henry Sheppard ( To his father, who was digging around in the closet )

"Don't ever go to a party where they like to role play."

-Joshua Hudson ( On dressing up like a woman and attending a drama department party in college. )

"No Teddy! Don't see my eyes!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset that his brother was looking at him. )

"I am trying to imagine your butt taking a page."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Some people have weird hobbies. )

"Henry, can I tell you a joke?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to distract his son from SADNESS )

"No!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not falling for it )

"A horse walked into a bar! The bartender took one look at the horse and said : "MOOOOOO!""

-Mike Sheppard ( Telling a 'joke' anyway )

"I not like that!"

-Henry Sheppard ( The sentiment was unanimous around the house )

"These shoes make be feel like I am pretending to be an adult."

-Danica Rieck

"You are an adult, in fact you are getting quite old."

-Eli Rieck

"My green hoodie doubles as formal wear. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Attempting to crash an Icelandic wedding )

"Why does it smell so fishy in here?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Iceland restrooms. )

"There's a Zamboni in the Lobby!"

-Mike Sheppard

"This is Iceland..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( At the Iceland Airport )

"It's crazy how you can be almost thirty-six years old and never once thought about an orca pooping."

-Danica Rieck

"It looks like a Christmas tree. But not a real Christmas tree. It doesn't have presents."

-Henry Sheppard ( While holding a half eaten Popsicle )

"[Listen to Daddy] or I will destroy you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his youngest son Teddy )

"No! Don't destroy Teddy! He's my brother!"

-Henry Sheppard ( With a very concerned look on his face. )

"He got a cheek-stache!"

-Henry Sheppard ( About his brothers whipped cream mustache on his cheek. )

"Should you ever eat a cat Henry?"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"No!!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Of course you should! If it's delicious!"

-Mike Sheppard

"No cat's delicious!"

-Henry Sheppard ( How does he know? )

"You think of them as being 'Funny talking Americans' but they really are their own culture. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the British )

"I'd give you meat but it's hard. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While dishing up Taco meat at dinner!! )

"That's what she said!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Touche )

"I don't think being independently wealthy would be all bad. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Looking on the bright side of fabulous wealth. )

"Our car isn't dirty so we don't need to go to the car wash. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"Yes are do!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Really wanted to go to the car wash )

"You're usually so well groomed!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife. That was the wrong thing to say. )

"Quick, hide the porn!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Using a co-workers iPhone 5 )

"No, it's ok, I have unlimited data."

-Somesh B. ( .... )

"No Thomas for you!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not sharing Thomas the train with his brother. )

"No Soup for you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Henry didn't get the Seinfeld reference. )

"You're going to have to put up with your father I'm sorry. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Refusing to play with her son. )

"He might not have said 'Cousin-Humpin' but everything else was pretty close."

-Mike Sheppard ( On political gaffes )

"Ted! Move your butt! "

-Henry Sheppard ( To his brother, who was in the way. )

"Life is short. There's only so much time to collect all the STD's. "

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On why the bridge office parties so hard )

"Now I don't feel safe taking my pants of anywhere in this building."

-Joshua Hudson ( On hidden cameras )

"Only in the Sheppard house is ring-around-the-Rosie a contact sport. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Stating a fact. )

"I know, it's tough to be happy when you're sad."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his 1 year old son )

"I see fung! I wonder what 'fung' is? Oh wait, maybe it is just [the word] fun. "

-Mike Soukkala ( Word search puzzles are fun! )

"I have to be a pain in the butt. Otherwise you would want another wife!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Polygamy )

"Why are you mad at me? Am I the homeless guy shoved up against you?"

-Bill Reynolds ( To His Wife In Las Vegas )

"I don't know what you did with your steak. I think it might be in your pants!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( A common phrase in the Sheppard house these days )

"Get away from my home Teddy! "

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset that his brother was in his laundry fort )

"You're a capitalist which is almost as bad as a Sith!!!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Raisin Bran makes me poop!"

-Henry Sheppard ( We've all been there )

"No need to make the men folk stand. Was that out loud??"

-Mike Sheppard ( Yes it was )

"It's really tough to know who's the psycho."

-Steve Kollmansberger ( On working at the state )

"Why don't my kids take my threats seriously?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After his threats were met with laughter )

"Because you named your arms thunder and lightning?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Those kids don't need frisbees, they need homes!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Being correct and being nice aren't always the same )

"Clearly you don't know how to handle yourself. This is why you got married."

-Olivia Hudson ( Husband needs a firm hand )

"I don't know how it happens but within a few seconds our conversation always becomes awkward and then neither of us knows what to say....I have to go right now."

-Suneetha B. ( To Mike Sheppard )

"Henry, you need to give Teddy that Thor hair back!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Serious threats from a serious dad )

"Todd, you've got two balls in your other hand!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Do you know what also has the pH of tears? Orphan tears!! And you don't see me dumping those in my eyes!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sure, You don't know where those orphans eyes have been."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing her sensitive side )

"Bacon is God's gift to Gentiles."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Josh - I need to borrow your secret back door..."

-Mike Sheppard ( They knew what he meant )

"I don't say mean things about you. I say true things, and sometimes they just happen to be mean."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband )

"Henry, don't put dill seeds on your brother's head."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Nothin's funnier than looking dim witted. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On Sheppard humor )

"We are very formal. It is very rude to be formal here but we are very rude."

-Suneetha B.

"There's a rare few of us who can actually see dark matter."

-Bill Reynolds ( ... wait... what? )

"Scandinavians can eat as many pigs as they want!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Dietary Restrictions )

"It is hard to believe you're not pure evil. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his black cat )

"I am neither man nor woman! I AM NEUTER!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( ?!?!?!? )

"What we need is an inflatable Josh doll..."

-Steve Kollmansberger

"I always thought that I might die young."

-Danica Rieck

"To late for that!"

-Eli Rieck

"Meema [Grandma] Sheppard is a Turkey Man!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Happy Turkey is one of his favorite catch phrases )

"Kids. Can't live with them, can't sell them."

-Mike Sheppard

"Especially in Washington! Human trafficking laws just got MUCH worse."

-Joshua Hudson

"The sun needs to go down - stupid summer!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Waiting to go to sleep )

"I thought you were being so sweet until I heard the song."

-Danica Rieck ( Apparently the classic "Dead Puppies" is not considered good lullaby fare )

"Nice balls! They do all change color, just hard to get a picture of them"

-Joshua Hudson ( An unsolicited text message )

"I got perfect ending - she's nude!!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Heavy Rain )

"Mark, I need your laptop and ten minutes to myself!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sounds like me and the cup!"

-Joshua Hudson ( ... )

"You want any other bodily fluids? You took it, you took it, you took it!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Flailing wildly and gesticulating at various body parts )

"If only the noodle were a little longer. "

-Mark Brady

"Scott Moffitt's [on TV], Henry! You can't make this stuff up!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Why would you?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Do you know how stupid you look?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Knocking her husbands self esteem down a few points )

"What are the goats doing that costs $22!?!"

-Steve Kollmansberger ( A TV content example gone very very wrong. )

"You do know that you can't solve all marital arguments by plying your wife with rum right?"

-Olivia Hudson ( It was worth a try.. )

"Buddy, someday you will grow up and quit putting stuffed whales down your pants and then you will do great things!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Fatherly Advice.. )

"Don't worry Zac. You still have plenty of years left to stuff whales down your pants.."

-Joshua Hudson ( Giving his youngest hope.. )

"Nothing weirder looking than an earless cat. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( How many does she know exactly?!? )

"My wife is 'surprised' that I exist."

-Bill Reynolds

"I had to explain this to [Suneetha], there are three levels of friends. Acquantainces, Friends and Walking Buddies."

-Joshua Hudson ( On Friendship )

"Where's your wife?"

-Mike Sheppard

"....Friend!"

-Joshua Hudson ( After quite a bit of thought )

"It's like whack-a-mole with pregnant ladies."

-Nathan Goff

"Honey! Whatever you're doing, stop it!"

-Danica Rieck

"What if I was running to get you chocolate?"

-Eli Rieck

"From the bathroom? That's poopoo!"

-Danica Rieck

"What we love we often ruin. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Earning a quizzical look from her husband )

"If it's made of plastic!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Oh, mom, you can just go look at your phone for a minute."

-Gabe Hudson

"So what you're saying is that you want me to look away long enough for you to do something naughty?"

-Olivia Hudson

". . . Yeah?"

-Gabe Hudson ( We will have to keep an eye on that one.. )

"Teddy, why do you have two forks? Are you the Drizzt Do'Urden of eating?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Becoming a Zombie takes faith. It's like religion. If you have faith that someone will tell you when you've become a Zombie then you don't need to be afraid anymore."

-Joshua Hudson

"You gotta dedicate the organ. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Lutherans. )

"Good news! I talked to a naked bridge guy in the locker room downstairs..."

-Joshua Hudson ( and that's where he stopped talking... )

"Right now I'm saying 'Hi' to Mike because it says 'Hi' on my bowl right here!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Gesturing to the imaginary upsidedown bowl on his head )

"You know... you don't make it easy to work on my eye rolling problem."

-Danica Rieck

"Johanna, I am going to sort your blocks according to color! DO NOT interfere!"

-Danica Rieck ( someone needs too learn to play nice. )

"Henry, eat your dinner and don't try to be like daddy. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Did those two orders really need to be combined? )

"It's not like they're splitting atoms. They're fumbling balls!"

-Judi Lin Huffman ( On the NFL draft )

"You don't fist bump people in the face Henry!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her 3 year old )

"I don't think I want to talk to you about aliens anymore.."

-Mike Sheppard ( Josh admitted his new career.. )

"I couldn't hear you over the sound of me obeying. "

-Mike Sheppard

"200 is the perfect stabbing amount!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Glad someone is doing the math )

"You said illicit! I guess that was explicit..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Horrifying her husband )

"Yuffie throws up. Yuffie needs medicine. Yuffie a yucky kitty."

-Henry Sheppard ( A two year old's take on his vomit prone cat )

"But I wouldn't feel love!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not interested in becoming an Android )

"Teddy, Man Up!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To a crying 1 year old )

"He drives a car like he draws a kidney!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Your dad drinks so much soda that he just litters it behind him like dandruff!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not as irritated as she sounds )

"I don't know what it is if it isn't humpin' turtles."

-Danica Rieck

"Henry! No! You do not put cheese in Optimus Prime!"

-Mike Sheppard ( A warning to a toddler )

"Every time I swallowed it felt like I had a little Ninja in my throat kicking me with spiked shoes!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On recovering from a tonsillectomy )

"Honey - I have some code and I really want it in the Linux kernel..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Implying his wife had the 'skills' necessary to get the code included )

"I don't like beards!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Putting an end to her husbands ambitions )

"I do a lot of math at work before coffee... I hope I don't get fired."

-Eli Rieck

"That's my favorite thing that has ever happened to you!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On a random pair of shoes showing up on a co-workers doorstop )

"Aw crap. It's always me who has to pray after inappropriate stuff."

-Danica Rieck

"Gosh! Your eyes are like... I was gonna say 'mud,' but that's not romantic."

-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )

"Hey Gabe, do you like those candy hearts?"

-Joshua Hudson

"They taste like chalk!"

-Gabe Hudson

"Wait. How do you know what chalk tastes like?"

-Joshua Hudson ( Some things are probably best left unasked )

"My wife insists on a piano made out of actual wood and books made out of actual paper. She is a menace to trees! "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the difficulties of adapting to the digital age )

"And then when she's destroyed the planet and there's nothing left to eat but people, well she doesn't endorse that either!"

-Bill Reynolds

"I don't want any crazy people showing up at our house wanting to eat us or have us eat them. NO!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Putting an end to her husbands latest scheme )

"We all have a weakness, somewhere where we go across. With some guys it's pink nail polish and tutus. For me it's musicals."

-Joshua Hudson

"What are knockers for Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry calls binoculars 'Knockers' )

"Mommy's shirt!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Maybe he understands more than we think )

"I think there's something inherently dangerous about giving cpr to a cow."

-Jim Rieck

"When did you take your pants off?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This question comes up way more often than normal when there are Toddlers in the house. )

"I told my wife I thought she was you!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On a recent visit to Las Vegas )

"Knock it off! I'm trying to be romantic!"

-Danica Rieck

"You made the poop face first!"

-Eli Rieck

"That's the wine talking."

-Danica Rieck

"The wine knows what it's talking about."

-Eli Rieck

"Woe! I only had one sip of wine, did we just have an earthquake?"

-Danica Rieck

"Honey, I'm sorry for making the food so good."

-Eli Rieck

"It's okay. You're keeping me in my winter coat."

-Danica Rieck

"That squeaks?"

-Danica Rieck

"Ours doesn't."

-Eli Rieck

"I'm sure it does. I just never thought to squeeze it there."

-Danica Rieck

"He was eloquent like Jabba The Hutt!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Interview first impressions )

"No Henry eat poop!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On things that should not be eaten )

"Instead of massage oil we use motor oil!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the mythical business 'Masculine Massage' )

"What does the moon look like Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her 2 year old is a fan of the moon )

"Pickle!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I didn't get weird until I married you!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Sadly, the evidence is on her side. )

"Clam chowders so rich."

-Danica Rieck

"That's what I should be for a living! Clam chowder!"

-Eli Rieck

"Ladies, this is what you watch out for. Some are more dangerous than others!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On the only diagram that was in the Women's studies textbook )

"Mama's knockers!"

-Henry Sheppard ( While holding mommy's BINOCULARS. )

"He charged me too much for a crappy OS and took away my favorite parking space."

-Mike Sheppard ( While speaking of Bill Gates and his new foundation HQ )

"Look! They're so curly!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( What do they put in fake eyelashes? )

"If I were a vampire I would not drink your blood because I want you to survive from day to day."

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to be romantic, and failing )

"You could drink it a little.."

-Kristin Sheppard ( That's love?? )

"It's no plan at all! It's murder!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Bringing 'morality' into another discussion )

"Mommy so old!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Be careful what you say to a toddler )

"With power comes fear!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Rallying the troops at a staff meeting )

"What's this world coming to, Johanna? Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, aggressive peek-a-boo?"

-Danica Rieck

"He screamed when I got the knife out!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Parenting )

"If my wife bought me a car with a monkey skeleton in it, I'd be very happy!!"

-Bill Reynolds

"I'm surprised by how many people are females and males down there!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On downtown Olympia )

"I just want to sit there stupidly and be entertained."

-Allen Howard ( Not a fan of movies that make you 'think' )

"I really like when Christmas Day falls on Christmas."

-Laurie Sheppard ( Easily pleased )

"Stop! We were having a really nice moment until you pretended to poop!"

-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )

"Retraining Siri is much easier than polygamy"

-Joshua Hudson ( 6 husbands are too much )

"A squished baby is of no use to anybody. "

-Olivia Hudson ( True )

"I want to wear this Playstation as a codpiece!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On the clothing he'd buy during his free shopping spree )

"Your creepiness makes me feel like running."

-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )

"Touch meat! Touch meat please! Henry touch meat!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A toddler upset he wasn't allowed to play with raw ground beef )

"If I looked like that I'd be mortified!!... no offense."

-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )

"Nothing like shooting darts at a little kid. "

-Ryan Soukkala ( While assaulting his nephew )

"How would our lives be different if we pooped out of our ankles?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Having trouble sleeping )

"Godzilla is cold blooded and would probably like some tropical weather!"

-Joshua Hudson ( In reference to boiling the ocean and Tess saying Godzilla would be angry. )

"If you want him destroyed tape him to the bomb!!"

-Jezurich Rieck ( Always good advice )

"You never talk in a southern accent unless you're having a grand ole time."

-Eli Rieck ( deducing that his wife must have been having fun due to her fake southern accent. )

"Just because it's called Poupon doesn't mean you need to do that..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her Toddler who was sitting on a small Jar of Gray Poupon )

"Mommy is going to get Tourette's Henry!"

-Mike Sheppard

"BOOBIES!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I think that cat's going to make me a lot of money!"

-Bill Reynolds ( You think it's a magic dancing cat, but no, it's a mummy! )

"This song makes me want to carry a half zergling woman across the battlefield. Granted, I would probably feel that with these other songs too. "

-Joshua Hudson ( Still on his Blizzcon high )

"That girl is one step away from a street walker!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing 'What not to wear' at the Opera )

"At least you're pretty when your mouth is closed. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her dressed up husband )

"Henry, don't shove underwear in your brothers ears. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While parenting )

"Well he has inherited Josh's ability to take anything and turn it into a toy."

-Olivia Hudson ( Explaining her son's behavior )

"That's why I got married!"

-Joshua Hudson ( The truth.. )

"The bridge bathrooms are so good you don't ever want to come out."

-Suneetha B. ( ???? )

"The movie was good! The Australian was good. Everybody was good!"

-Suneetha B. ( Thor..... )

"You're dying because you don't have good enough coconuts?"

-Mike Sheppard

"It doesn't take too much to kill me."

-Suneetha B.

"If I lived here I would be an AWESOME kid!"

-Jezurich Rieck ( while exploring a light house )

"You went in with bed head and came out looking like a 1950's greaser guy, that's some bathroom!"

-Danica Rieck

"For two millennia women's looks have been placed above their intelligence!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her morning feminist rant )

"What do you know about it? You're a woman. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Grounds for a divorce )

"I think I've stirred up my hairdresser!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On life's unexpected complications )

"That's a quote!...if it wasn't totally humiliating."

-Danica Rieck

"That's not dirty that's funny!!!"

-Lynn Lashbrook ( It was pretty dirty )

"The world gets bigger with every sip of coffee."

-Danica Rieck

"The thing I don't understand is how could I put so much crap into my body and get so much awesomeness out of it?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On his diet in college )

"That's what I like about you. You're not dim."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"Please be the answer to all our problems."

-Danica Rieck ( while opening the mail )

"Buddy, do you need to go potty? Because if you go in the pool the water turns blue."

-Joshua Hudson ( Public Pool Common Knowledge )

"It's turning blue! "

-Gabe Hudson ( Getting carried from pool. )

"It's like having a friend that you can eat if you get really hungry."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the reason why hobos keep pets )

"You're so beautiful, you'd be easy to exploit."

-Danica Rieck ( to her 4 month old daughter )

"I'll get your delicious cheese somehow!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Wives have their ways )

"That is the difference. I can not afford the things I would get for free. Well except tacos, I could afford a taco, but not an infinite amount of tacos."

-Joshua Hudson ( On not being a celebrity )

"Can I at least make it through game night first? We have to beat Todd!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Asking for a temporary postponement of his second son's birth )

"What did the snake do?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Asking her son to recount his recent terrifying experience with a snake )

"Scare mommy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Who ran away, jumped in a pool and cried when he saw the snake )

"Do you want a new diaper or do you want your head chopped off?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to trick a toddler )

"Head chopped off!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not falling for it )

"Control daddy; control the world!"

-Danica Rieck ( to our 4 month old daughter )

"Why are you naked and sitting in a box of diapers?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This question comes up a lot more than you'd think )

"Yes, but I would totally pay to spend the night at the Lucas ranch because that place is awesome!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Agreeing that Lucas is a weirdo )

"You never saw Mario and the Princess doing that."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing Heavy Rain. )

"He needs to get exposed to some pain!"

-Larry Gruginski ( On parenting )

"After buying the ring I couldn't afford pants, which made the engagement a lot more interesting!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On proposing to his wife )

"50 cents is nothing!! I can find more than that on the street!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"That's funny, because I lose more than that on the street. Can I have my money back?"

-Joshua Hudson

"...or you'll end up with an Ark, a baby and a hanging doll!"

-Joshua Hudson

"and some guy yelling night rock!!!"

-Bill Reynolds

"I am not currently naked."

-Joshua Hudson ( Proving he is not a member of the Drama department )

"I'm not gonna lie. I found a cream and now my knees are cold."

-Joshua Hudson ( Greeting his boss on a Wednesday morning )

"I can't get enough of these crackers!"

-Eli Rieck

"You're so racist."

-Danica Rieck

"What if Gordon Ramsey doesn't cuss at all? They just strategically bleep him for ratings."

-Danica Rieck

"I've pulled more random things out of my butt than a string of numbers."

-Kristin Sheppard ( She's a blast at parties )

"Mike and Kristin want us to baby-sit next week so they can get some nookie Gorgonzola!"

-Laurie Sheppard ( She meant Gnocchi... )

"I do NOT want Nookie Gorgonzola!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( It does sound a bit dodgy... )

"Do you know what's interesting? These aren't all off the same chicken."

-Laurie Sheppard ( Indicating six different chicken breasts )

"I want to go watch Jurassic Park and then finish Game of Thrones, because that dream would be AWESOME!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Science Fiction Bliss )

"He's not as fun to look at as Stumpy."

-Joshua Hudson

"I would be slaughtered."

-Joshua Hudson ( Stating what would happen if he bought a new gaming keyboard )

"I don't want to tell you how to live your life, but if you buy one I'll buy one."

-Mike Sheppard ( Practicing his skills at being a bad influence )

"Mutually assured destruction!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Still undecided )

"There is an absence or an presence.... A dark presence...."

-Mike Sheppard ( On determining gender through Ultrasounds )

"That's what I call it!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Didn't understand the "presence" )

"You can name the left one Flint and the Right one Gary. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Naming his wife's body parts ( knees ) )

"Inside the pig bacon is crispy"

-Joshua Hudson ( It's his birthday so we won't argue )

"Drunk dialing, drunk posting - bad. Drunk messaging, nobody's said anything about."

-Danica Rieck

"If I can get my mom to make that German chocolate cake I'm going to have that every year of my life!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On how adults should never give up having birthday cake )

"You gotta smell this."

-Eli Rieck ( Pointing at some pork )

"That was like wedding night talk."

-Eli Rieck ( Enjoyed getting married a little too much... )

"I'm Johanna's own personal rock star."

-Danica Rieck

"I guess there are worse things than your husband sneaking imitation cheese behind your back."

-Danica Rieck

"See? Every husband is a hobo."

-Joshua Hudson ( On giving up all your worldly posessions )

"First we go potty and then we have some cake!!"

-Gabe Hudson ( Explaining his potty sticker chart )

"The Bell Pepper lost me the sponge bath."

-Todd Ganey

"Hi Honey. I'm home and I'm going upstairs. I will need help going upstairs and we're either sponge bathing or changing the sheets in the morning."

-Todd Ganey ( Preparing his homecoming speech to his wife after an unexpectedly strenuous bike ride )

"Luckily the cows were not in any angry season they might have..."

-Todd Ganey ( On being trapped in a cow pasture with a mountain bike )

"..because then you won't have to have a book called 'Dark Lover' on your desk."

-Joshua Hudson ( On why he's looking forward to electronic book sharing )

"It's not the dog, it's a Dr. Pepper!!"

-Laurie Sheppard ( a common mistake )

"Boy, chipmunks don't know when they've got a good thing. "

-Todd Ganey

"My watermelon juice has spilled. It got on my Alien!!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On a personal problem. )

"Whoa, that's a big iPod."

-Anonymous ( Uttered by a child checking out an iPad. )

"If I can give birth, I can return clothes at the mall."

-Danica Rieck

"I wanted the skulls, so I had to take the hide to."

-Bill Reynolds ( Ebay Shopping )

"In homicide, everyone is naked."

-Joshua Hudson ( They know how to party. )

"If we're roasting marshmallows, I should shave."

-Eli Rieck

"Aww, she's embarrassed."

-Eli Rieck

"It's okay, baby. Mommy and Daddy fart. Mommy and Daddy don't poop their pants..."

-Danica Rieck

"I've done a lot of good things with that stump."

-Joshua Hudson ( Reminiscing on lost loves )

"That's what the dick bar is!!"

-Todd Ganey ( No it isn't )

"I've never undergrounded."

-Todd Ganey ( On life's regrets )

"You can almost bet, that if there is someone in one of those places that is friendly, good looking, being nice, and makes you feel better about yourself, you better get away!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Meeting People In Vegas )

"I should have considered giving you the finger."

-Danica Rieck ( she means 'to suck on' )

"Cherries? I love Cherries! They are sweet and fuzzy!"

-Gabe Hudson ( Breakfast Request )

"Do you mean peaches?"

-Olivia Hudson

"Yep!"

-Gabe Hudson

"You were a bicycle commuter month baby!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On life's little miracles )

"My meat doesn't fit!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The pan was too small )

"I don't care about what happens with people I don't know."

-Danica Rieck ( after looking at her husband's facebook page )

"Unless it's reality television."

-Danica Rieck

"You are clearly jealous of me and my ability to sleep dryly!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Accusing her husband of dumping a glass of water on her while she slept )

"Your meat bucket is running low. "

-Mike Sheppard ( At Nathan Goff's BBQ )

"Let me wash the raw meat from my hands before I touch that. "

-Nathan Goff ( Pretending to touch that )

"I was gonna look up green poop!"

-Danica Rieck

"Mom... Is Dad EVER going to be president?"

-Jezurich Rieck ( Longingly )

"You mean of the United States?"

-Amy Rieck ( Searching for some clarity. )

"My stubble is older than my daughter!"

-Eli Rieck

"Baby!"

-Henry Sheppard ( In response to 'who do you want to read to you tonight, Mommy or Daddy?' )

"Teddy, just so you know you are taller than some primordial dwarves. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Said to her infant son )

"I like jars because you can fill them with liquid and put body parts in them."

-Bill Reynolds ( On running a haunted house )

"Heard a roll of distant thunder. Then realized it came from [the baby's] pants."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Oh, I guess your diaper wasn't on tight enough. Kind of reminiscent of my water breaking."

-Amy Rieck

"You never know when your dad could be sneakin' around with a gun."

-Danica Rieck ( so true )

"This side of the hallway is a desolate wasteland of barren hopes and dreams...."

-Joshua Hudson ( On having two children )

"That's the sincerest form of flattery."

-Eli Rieck

"Mockery?"

-Danica Rieck

"You're gonna have to wait till I poop."

-Danica Rieck ( after pretending to eat Eli's soul )

"You will be spanked for hitting people."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining consequences to her sons )

"Would you rather put up with the smell for five seconds or have a cranky husband all afternoon?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Marriage is hard )

"PUGET SOUND!!! I want to be in you!"

-Jeremy Holmes ( A fan of the Scuba )

"That's one of those things you wish you could have back."

-Joshua Hudson ( Was not paying attention to the words coming out of his mouth )

"It has the ability to bend space and time and be in two places at once. It also grows lemons."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Unusually fond of her lemon tree )

"The only thing that scares Mommy more than lice is worms!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry won't be allowed to have any fun in grade school :( )

"Do you know what you mother would do if a coyote caught you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Asking his son the obvious question while watching a nature video )

"Rip its heart out. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Don't mess with Alaskans )

"Don't accuse me of not being grumpy."

-Danica Rieck ( she's pregnant )

"How do you think that makes me feel. I used to be the only teenage girl in that house."

-Joshua Hudson ( His wife is now watching Glee. )

"I would have been crying too if had that in my pants!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her sons' diaper )

"It sounded like the cat barking!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On an odd noise heard from the back of the house )

"We're eating baby peppers. Isn't that so sad?"

-Danica Rieck

"I passive-aggressively said 'Teddy would like you to stop singing.'"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining how her statement was not nagging )

"That's the same as nagging!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Maybe I listen to my wife to much, so that's why I can't hear anything anymore."

-Allen Howard

"You know... they don't just kick you out for that. They arrest you."

-Danica Rieck ( earnestly )

"The garbage can man in here! You should go see the dirty man!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( 'dirty' is one of the few words her son understands )

"I've probably eaten more of these than I realize...and I realize I've eaten 10."

-Danica Rieck ( in regards to fresh baked brownies )

"Only true friends can touch your donut."

-Shaya Noorassa ( Explaing donut touching etiquette. )

"I am pregnant! I'm not a hobo. Open the damn bathroom door!"

-Olivia Hudson ( Restrooms at Uwajimaya are for paying customers only )

"You hate doing outdoor-sy things..."

-Mike Sheppard ( His wife had expressed a desire to do outdoor-sy things after looking in a catalog of people doing outdoor-sy things )

"I know, but if I had these clothes..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Never saw a dollar she didn't want to spend )

"Eli! We can't keep buckets of rotten meat in the backyard!"

-Danica Rieck

"Yeah, I bet they paid. Goat testicles!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( He's been jaded since a bad experience on eBay )

"If I was on acid this part would be so awesome."

-Danica Rieck ( after winning solitaire on the computer )

"Henry, put down the blowtorch."

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh, he's fine. The gas is non-toxic."

-Eli Rieck

"You think your sexy look can distract me from your suspicious ways?"

-Danica Rieck

"You could change your Facebook language or chop your leg off!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Talk like a pirate day is coming soon... )

"Never underestimate the power of a monkey!"

-Joshua Hudson ( good advice )

"With your parents coming over, it'd be nice to not have my buttcrack hanging out."

-Danica Rieck

"Obey my instructions!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her husband was doing it wrong... )

"Poopey is not art."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining to a Toddler that poop should not be used for painting )

"Well you might as well do it with alcohol on your breath!"

-Larry Gruginski ( If your going to do something, you best do it right. )

"I'd like to set up a flying crank ghost!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Creative outdoor lighting )

"Well, when you taunt when you're on the pot, you run the risk of... um.."

-Eli Rieck

"Finish it so I can quote it."

-Danica Rieck

"Life is pain Henry. So are Hemmeroids, but there is a cream for that. There is no cream for life."

-Mike Sheppard ( Fatherly advice at it's best. )

"You want mommy to lay down? Mommy won't argue with you!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Filthy Opportunist )

"I'm glad your daddy dressed you but...YOU GOT SOUP ON THE DOG!!?!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Adventures at lunch time )

"Did I look threatening when I did that?"

-Danica Rieck

"No... but a little bit like Gary Busey."

-Eli Rieck

"It reminded me of watching one of those snakes unhinge it's jaw so it could eat an entire rat. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On watching child birth. )

"Bile. Everyone produces bile. "

-Mike Sheppard ( His anniversary speech went very, very wrong )

"I say DIE!... but she says to leave it.."

-Suneetha B. ( Difference of opinion.. )

"This nipple looks like it's going to fly right out of the pan!!"

-Karen Soukkala

"I can't tell the difference between a 60 watt light bulb and a 40 watt."

-Olivia Hudson ( Commenting on light bulb light output )

"About 20 watts?"

-Joshua Hudson ( Trying to be helpful.. )

"It is nobody's business."

-Jeff Johnson ( in response to Jeannie saying "I have to go like nobody's business". )

"It's like foot lingerie; wierd!"

-Jeff Johnson ( In response to Jeannie's suggestion to wear his failing socks inside out )

"You're beating the baby!"

-Eli Rieck

"No, I'm giving her a rhythm."

-Danica Rieck

"If it weren't for our dang religion I'd have two wives. One I liked, and YOU!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his 9 month pregnant wife. )

"He's going to take that guy who was in his wife's car to Seattle today!"

-Bill Reynolds

"So, if I was a quadriplegic you'd check my diapers?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'd do more than check your diapers [wink wink]!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"If you are wondering why there is a $50 dollar charge on your card to the local feed store.. no I did not buy a goat."

-Olivia Hudson ( I had to check... )

"Just because I fold paper occasionally it doesn't mean I need a [paper] trebuchet!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Words lost on people who didn't want to hear it. )

"Why is it so hard? It's just a water bladder. "

-Joshua Hudson

"It was a constant stream of people with no teeth and B.O."

-Karen Soukkala ( On people coming into the office to pay their utility bill. )

"My gosh! What do people do in my cube? I don't understand it!!!"

-Suneetha B.

"Hot honey will make you hungry?"

-Mike Sheppard ( They made him say it. )

"For some reason it will not let me look at your items.. let me see yours.."

-Aaron Hutchinson ( ??? )

"In my last meeting I said I wanted to release "one big package'. Which was OK, until I giggled. I shouldn't of giggled."

-Joshua Hudson ( He really shouldn't have giggled. )

"Henry, there is nothing wrong with over-achieving. Mommy did it until she got married!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"You are not a racist if you hate everyone..."

-Mike Sheppard ( True, but you'd still be a jerk! )

"Mommy doesn't want dog food in her toes. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Parent to a toddler )

"I guess I can't play innocent when I'm sitting here knocked up."

-Danica Rieck

"No, I understood him, but even when I understand him he doesn't make sense."

-Zachary Rieck ( Concerning Eli )

"I really only get men buying my stuff.. oh and strange little girls."

-Bill Reynolds ( Typical Shoppers? )

"After watching you for the last nine months I have no hope if this happens again."

-Joshua Hudson ( On the prospect of having more children. )

"Stealing children is no way to get your jollies."

-Chad Rieck

"TAKE ADVIL!! IT'S TYLENOL YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MIX WITH ALCOHOL!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( During a surprise late night phone call from her mother )

"If you girls don't stop making noise, I'm going to come in there and spank you. And Ari will bite you."

-Rabbi Michael Elk ( Letting the girls know the consequences of not sleeping at bedtime. )

"I don't think walking like a lumberjack wil make the police not recognize you..."

-Amanda Elk ( Helping illegal immigrants avoid detection in Jerusalem. )

"I don't know if I could eat my children but I could definitely eat you!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the coming Zombie Apocalypse )

"I'm farting in fear."

-Eli Rieck

"I'm not going to suck your snot. There are some things you'll only do for your children."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On if she wanted to test out her new snot sucker before trying it on a live toddler )

"By the way, I'm not enjoying this music. I'm trying to make the baby smart."

-Danica Rieck

"I mean come on, I have a gryphon in my pants! "

-Joshua Hudson ( He just want's to fly anywhere. )

"Probably, for Amy, this was a good night for me to feel guilty."

-Mike Rieck ( Christmas shopping )

"I have a porta potty story!"

-Jan Michael Pearson ( Bragging )

"I can fly an airplane!!"

-Aaron Fox ( Reflecting that there are times in life when false confidence is a bad thing )

"He had the guts to drop it in my cube... it just pissed me off!"

-Suneetha B. ( Chicken is bad )

"I don't know about that self massage, but if your passing out your doing it to much."

-Bill Reynolds ( Bathroom worries )

"You know what I do in situations like that? I sit her in front of the computer and pull up Lolcats. It keeps her busy for hours!"

-Joshua Hudson ( How he keeps his wife from freaking out )

"Last time I called my wife psychotic I was in trouble for months!"

-Joshua Hudson

"No Henry. Mommy's not putting those in her nose again. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry brought his mommy some miniature toy milk cartons. )

"...again?"

-Mike Sheppard ( What's up with that? )

"He's my boy, and I love him. I'd never put him in the oven."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Sung to the tune of 'Spiderman' )

"It's kind of a weird phase he's going through. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his son's recent habit of putting his feet on the dinner table while eating )

"I believe it's called childhood."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Correct, as usual. )

"I'll steam your pork buns!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( A threat not to be taken lightly )

"It's not illegal to kill a desk."

-Aaron Hutchinson

"It's not illegal to kill a man!"

-Mike Sheppard ( I don't think he understood the argument )

"It's a ho-ho-ho bag! (giggle) Well, not quite."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing Henry a present in a Santa themed bag. )

"I would think it's pretty cheap for a porta-potty hooker."

-Bill Reynolds ( Capitalism at it's finest )

"I want roasted nuts! If I can't get some I'll roast my own nuts. Everyone likes roasted nuts.. "

-Bill Reynolds ( The ultimate vendor. )

"I'd rather that than your parents catch me peein' in the yard with no pants on!"

-Danica Rieck

"You can't say jokes while I'm eating a potato!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Cheeseburger! )

"I don't know if I'm the best guy to judge other guys but..."

-Joshua Hudson ( About to judge other guys. )

"It looks like a brain in here! Come look at this!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Henry's 5th Poop that day )

"Go big or go home, that's what they always say.."

-Joshua Hudson

"Ya, if you are in Wisconsin looking for a wife!"

-Olivia Hudson

"I not do crazy right now!"

-Gabe Hudson ( The dog was going crazy. )

"We are going to lock ourselves in a room and code for the entire day, it will be just like work!"

-Joshua Hudson ( CODEapalooza )

"I'm going to remember to bring clothes this time."

-Aaron Hutchinson ( Good Call... )

"I don't like sweet, sweet nuts. "

-Ryan Soukkala ( Not a fan of Pecan pie )

"I can't stop cleaning!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Nesting, with two months to go )

"Bag of meat. I've been called worse. "

-Chuck Dorsett

"You want to see the Pastrami?"

-Dion Midkiff ( Asked out of the blue )

"I'm pretty sure that's Gene Simmons. No one looks like that and isn't Gene Simmons!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( It was Gene Simmons )

"Where are you going to find a shotgun at this time of night?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After being threatened by his wife )

"Don't tempt me!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Good advice - She's Alaskan )

"Maybe it's something about you being here. You relax my urethra."

-Danica Rieck

"Well I am sorry but I am trying to find Spanish green olives that are pitted and not stuffed. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Yelling at her husband who had asked what was taking her so long at the supermarket. )

"Define 'love' because I don't think your heart can actually show it."

-Joshua Hudson ( Mocking a colleague )

"Google voice is out! You can now make calls from your.... phone."

-Mike Sheppard ( Excited! )

"You can also text from your phone!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Whoa! There's a cheeseburger down here!"

-Joshua Hudson ( While hunting under his desk for his wedding ring )

"Sometimes I wet myself a little when I cough real hard."

-Danica Rieck ( On the side effects of pregnancy )

"I worry about being a farting old lady!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the side effects of motherhood )

"The old people have the stuff I do not like!"

-Suneetha B. ( ?? )

"Yea. Old people lose their ability to lose the stuff."

-Joshua Hudson

"We just ate a shaggy parasol in our linguine!"

-Eli Rieck

"You can't make promises and then not do the donkey dance. "

-Joshua Hudson

"You can't play the game and not do the donkey. "

-Suneetha B. ( In agreement. )

"I can't actually calibrate in front of my wife."

-Joshua Hudson ( Glowing Ball Challanges )

"He said 'There is no reason to have that much muscle there!'"

-Bill Reynolds ( Complications during a vasectomy )

"I was called dick half my life.... At least I think that is why they called me dick."

-Bill Reynolds ( He came from Yakima... )

"You hungry people, GET AWAY FROM ME!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Zombies or Homeless At "The Church" )

"Mama, what you doing?"

-Gabe Hudson ( Little minds want to know )

"I'm going to the garage to get a bag of dinner!"

-Olivia Hudson

"You're showing me up with all your fancy knowledge."

-Mike Sheppard ( Not happy with his subordinate )

"You're right!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Nova has Psychopathic abilities!"

-Aaron Hutchinson

"So does my wife!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Oooh...burn... )

"I'm not married to Nova, but I'd like to be!"

-Joshua Hudson

"I was shopping with a one year old which is like herding drunken cat."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On who had the worst day. )

"I want to build a website that appeals to the Amish people."

-Anonymous

"They saw a large white guy and figured they could get lots of blood."

-Allen Howard ( Blood donation in Mexico )

"Well, screw my giblets! there's a screw in our light! "

-Jezurich Rieck ( He saw a screw in our light... )

"CHEESE EQUALS LOVE!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Fuzzy math )

"I want him to go to bed so I can start eating candy. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On parenthood's drawbacks )

"I think you look like a party waiting to happen... In a good way."

-Judi Lin Huffman

"Dobey! Dobey! Dobey!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Standing at his back door in his underwear, trying to get his dog to come back. )

"Let that be a lesson! Don't stand at your back door in your underwear when you have people working back there!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Hired employees started a little earlier than he thought )

"Because crazy people are HOT!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Why Friday the 13th #5 is the best! )

"I wonder if there's a movie called "Fart Pizza.""

-Danica Rieck ( turns out there's not )

"Sure he's a Jack Russell but he's got the balls of a St. Bernard!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( In an alternate timeline where the dog has had a testicle transplant )

"That pixel is to big, can you make it smaller?"

-Anonymous ( Marketing asking us about something on our website. )

"It's like a iPad but it's a Glow Worm!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Trying to lure her son away from the iPad )

"I'm not in the mood to hear whistling!"

-Olivia Hudson

"Maybe you should try whistling!"

-Joshua Hudson ( It may help cheer her up! )

"My wife is very unusual. I mean VERY unusual."

-Bill Reynolds ( On matrimony )

"OMG, I didn't know you can zip like that!"

-Anonymous ( Windows 7 zip utility )

"I'm not touching your burrito, man."

-Joshua Hudson

"Last time I made a rash decision I ended up getting married!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On life changing decisions )

"I am an instrument of God!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining why she has permission to put her cold feet on her husband )

"I was promised a big pile of pork, and I want it!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Mike angered that Dion has not come through )

"You played with Aunt John?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Josh has weird hobbies. )

"I can wear tight underwear again!!!!!"

-Eli Rieck

"It's one of my emotions. Compliance and RAGE!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( She's Finnish )

"Suneetha is going to put a request in for hand-sanitizer, a mannequin and a chain. It's best not to ask."

-Joshua Hudson ( Don't ask. )

"They'd probably give you medical leave because you are clearly insane. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not on board with her husbands' scheme )

"Get some young girls, get them some lights and put them on the streets at night."

-Bill Reynolds ( Optimal way to sell glow sticks. )

"You know why I like the handicapped restroom stalls?"

-Judi Lin Huffman

"You have enough room to get down and dirty?"

-Dion Midkiff ( Lucky guess )

"I thought Duke Nukem would be funner on the iPad..."

-Mike Sheppard

"MORE fun!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Correcting her husband mid-sentence )

"Up yours!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Doesn't like to be interrupted )

"There's nothing right about spanking kitties Henry!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Except how fun it is."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not all bad advice comes from Dad )

"Excellent question. "

-Chuck Dorsett ( Followed by several moments of uncomfortable silence. )

"Excellent question. Moving on. "

-Mike Sheppard

"So I took my laser apparatus home yesterday, and my wife was unimpressed."

-Mike Sheppard

"You should have seen our dorm room. It was ultra custom."

-Aaron Hutchinson ( It's a way of life. )

"Your lifestyle offends me!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Two others agree... )

"As well it should..."

-Aaron Hutchinson ( Settling the matter )

"You stay just the way you are!"

-Eli Rieck

"Off my rocker?"

-Danica Rieck

"[You] don't want to get too close to the dog. He had a penis licker for a friend today. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( After the dog returned from a morning in doggy daycare )

"I will kill you with my guns if it is right and just."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Spreading fear in the Sheppard household )

"At least it wasn't porn."

-Joshua Hudson ( Responding to Mike's surprise at what he found in his bag. )

"Your words are like music to me."

-Mike Sheppard

"I am hot and cold at the same time, and my body aches!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Horrible complaining music..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Reflecting fondly )

"I love you. Let us die. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Too much Opera lately )

"Last nights "two buck chuck" is now worth a buck and a quarter!"

-Joshua Hudson ( It is lightly used! )

"One lady thought it was asparagus, and then she was going up, down.. up, down!"

-Suneetha B. ( It was not asparagus! )

"He's naked under a tarp!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The reason Henry's friends can't visit )

"It's kind of a rambling of retardednesss. "

-Bill Reynolds ( On his meeting notes )

"He seems anormal. He's not normal or abnormal, he's anormal. He's an Alien!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Describing a colleague )

"I do love fish balls..."

-Joshua Hudson ( Overheard telephone conversation )

"Sure, you may get crabs from our sheets but..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Bad Hotel Slogans )

"You can't be embarrassed after you procreate!"

-Joshua Hudson ( If the act doesn't cure you the kids will! )

"Tell me about your poop tomorrow. "

-Mike Rieck ( His brother was eating an algae bar )

"That's just how I like you honey, a little off your game."

-Danica Rieck ( She was just about to call him "smooth" until he tripped. )

"You were a good host and a lot of fun but it is time to say goodbye! I'm all sausaged out!"

-Joshua Hudson ( To Leavenworth, upon departure )

"Don't put your cupcake in your diaper!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Motherly advice )

"I'm radiating deet, I'm going to die of cancer first if that's any consolation."

-Danica Rieck

"It is."

-Eli Rieck ( Taking some comfort in his being swarmed by mosquitoes )

"You can smoke in Vegas?"

-Scott Hamilton ( Excitedly )

"He was doing things I didn't do until college!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On his son's ultrasound )

"You don't put 'Dark Side of the Moon' on random playback or you come to papa and get a spanking."

-Bill Reynolds ( ??? )

"[A phone rings in the distance] It's my wife! She can't get up!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Following a recent surgery )

"Who's that dude?"

-Shaya Noorassa

"That's my wife!!!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( To be fair, she was wearing a hat )

"I'm adding 'guilt trip' to my repertoir."

-Eli Rieck

"I'm adding 'indifference' to mine."

-Danica Rieck

"Potential poo poo!"

-Lily Goff ( while farting )

"For an extrovert, I sure don't get along with people."

-Nathan Goff

"That's the creme de la crop!"

-Danica Rieck

"What can I buy for five bucks that's like... AMAZING?"

-Danica Rieck

"Hey, that is less than I pay, and he has more hair!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Kid haircuts are cheap! )

"If you have the least little urge you're gonna fart, head for the toilet! "

-Anonymous ( Overheard at work, two gentlemen discuss a cleansing product )

"Do you want to take you know who on a you know what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Can I first do you know what you know where?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'll sleep on a tarp on the living room floor."

-Eli Rieck ( Because he didn't want to take a shower. )

"At least we didn't get murdered."

-Eli Rieck ( putting a positive spin on a car break-in )

"That shouldn't be our standard for a good life."

-Danica Rieck ( putting it in perspective )

"My kid was running around downtown half naked. I haven't even done that yet!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Two year olds are so lucky! )

"I don't want my child quoting Duke Nukem!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Shake it baby... )

"Please! All you gotta do is lay on the bed in your underwear!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Other duties as assigned )

"Operation shiny lovins now takes place a day early!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Realizing pay day is one day early so he gets to order his new iPhones one day earlier )

"They do both wear tons of makeup and have over-exaggerated body parts..."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the similarities between clowns and Victoria's Secret models )

"Honey, that's so sweet. Is that the alcohol talking?"

-Danica Rieck

"You're not supposed to laugh at my insults, you're supposed to get pissed off!"

-Danica Rieck ( how can you not laugh at "A-butt"? )

"I told her "I don't want to be your BFF, it always means I'm the donkey"."

-Suneetha B. ( Lunch Games )

"The best thing about her is that she can't talk back!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( About having a headless wife. )

"There are worse reasons [than pity] to get married. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Defending herself? )

"Like what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Spite. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Leaving her husband afraid and confused. )

"Thanks for being a frickin' tard!"

-Eli Rieck

"[My computer animation class] was one of the silliest things I've ever been involved in. Definitely in the top 10."

-Mike Sheppard

"Our marriage ranks #2!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"My bike is my baby, well until I actually had my baby.."

-Olivia Hudson ( Enjoying riding her bike again )

"I guess it's not raining, I don't need my pants!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Washington weather, you never really know.. )

"Anonymous quote"

-Eli Rieck ( Shouldn't have said that out loud... )

"You want my golden blood!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Afflicted with O- )

"If by new you mean wet..."

-Aaron Hutchinson ( Passively objecting to a description of a colleague )

"And that's why my wife calls me a little pre-teen girl!"

-Joshua Hudson ( The downside of enjoying the TV show 'Glee' )

"And it was at that moment I realized that I was cooler than my father."

-Henry Sheppard ( Spoken by Mike Sheppard while interpreting the look on his sons' face )

"I've been having a lot of those thoughts that make you talk like a stoner too!"

-Eli Rieck ( He's always talked like that )

"Those first few years were a little iffy but after that - Nailed it!"

-Joshua Hudson ( On using the restroom )

"I had to move my balls over there..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Explaining Ball Placement )

"For Juggling!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Clearing up Josh's confusion. )

"What show is that?"

-Scott Hamilton ( During a 3G streaming video demo )

"The Devil Wears Prada!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"The demo became less cool Mike. "

-Scott Hamilton

"It's like playing Scrabble with perverts!"

-Olivia Hudson ( Some conversations are best left alone )

"Thirsty like a dog!"

-Bill Reynolds ( That's pretty thirsty. )

"You're going to want a massage. One of those deep tissue bastards."

-Anonymous ( Overheard at work. )

"You guys are smiling like you've been snacking on fingers from both of your children!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Awkward smiling )

"Then you could copy the comics onto my butt!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( If she were made of silly putty )

"The words were true, but not the way you were stringing them together."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her husband's lies. )

"Henry, no being a man-whore. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Offering sound advice. )

"I'm pretty sure that I was a Griffon in my previous life, and [my supervisor]'s discriminating against me!"

-Joshua Hudson ( An imaginary conversation with Human Resources )

"What's the difference between yak and goat? I mean they're all the same thing!"

-Shaya Noorassa

"If anyone asks, ‘Excelsior’ is our team’s code-word for “This application has been thoroughly checked and I approve it’s deployment”. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Covering All Bases )

"There's something I want to do but I can't get my wife to agree to it. I want to photograph nude models. "

-Anonymous ( Overheard at work. )

"I don't know what just happened, but I kinda like it!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Something happened... )

"I've got this unusual..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Things not to say in the 'Reason for Sick Leave' box )

"There's this burning sensation..."

-Joshua Hudson ( Helping out )

"It's green and I don't know why..."

-Mike Sheppard

"My doctor says I shouldn't have played with it!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Going one step too far )

"Good news, your son slept until 6:30! Bad news, he is now running around scolding his own hand because 'it's been bad'."

-Olivia Hudson ( He's two, and it probably was bad. )

"Man, your hardware is so good."

-Mike Sheppard ( To Mr. Hutchinson )

"I wish I had your hardware."

-Joshua Hudson ( Jealous of the Droid )

"I just said smaller package. He he he."

-Joshua Hudson

"You're young and you're strong but by the end of this you'll be weak and old."

-Dion Midkiff ( On parenthood )

"They're going to pull the 'Mommy' card? That's ridiculous!!"

-Joshua Hudson ( Yeah, he went there. )

"It's ok. If you were home during the day, you'd see the crazy things I do to keep him entertained."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the trials of childcare. )

"Hey! Don't love on my face!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I need to go pick my pumpkins"

-Joshua Hudson ( Playing We Rule )

"If you tell me that one more time, i'm going to pick your pumpkins for you!"

-Olivia Hudson ( Josh picked his pumpkins a lot this weekend )

"Isn't it just a miracle how these kids are like...wow..."

-Laurie Sheppard ( huh? )

"I had to find something less addicting than World of Warcraft, so I took up crack cocaine!"

-Joshua Hudson

"They have hookers on that thing."

-Joshua Hudson ( Explaining why you shouldn't buy bikes on craigslist. )

"Not any more!"

-Aaron Hutchinson ( Reassuring that it is OK now. )

"We've got enough [Games] now to last through a nuclear fallout! The cockroaches will love us!"

-Olivia Hudson ( Husband bought one game to many on ebay. )

"If you get a pan flute I'm getting a gun and I'll either shoot you or me. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( No pan flute )

"It's a slippery slide. "I'm going to play dungeons and dragons", "I am going to join the SCA", "Oh my God I'm larping!!!""

-Kristin Sheppard

"You didn't tell me you call him pillow butt. That's something to know!"

-Bill Reynolds

"I don't even care. If the guy's name is Q-Tip I'm not keeping his video."

-Mike Sheppard ( While deleting unnecessary video files from iTunes. )

"Droid DOES hot dogs!"

-Joshua Hudson

"Pretty soon everyone will have hot dogs for their iPhones."

-Mike Sheppard

"Don't feed me wine and then tempt me to pee on the couch!"

-Danica Rieck

"Can I make up goals for you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After being told his goal for the day was vacuuming )