"The words were true, but not the way you were stringing them together."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her husband's lies. )

"How will he learn if we don't let him choke?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On teaching children to chew their food )

"I will kill you with my guns if it is right and just."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Spreading fear in the Sheppard household )

"I had to move my balls over there..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Explaining Ball Placement )

"For Juggling!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Clearing up Josh's confusion. )

"Hey, a girl should be allowed to keep the shoes."

-Kristin Soukkala ( while watching Cinderella )

"I feel like this should go in a bad parenting video."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While Mom and Dad were pulling on the baby like a chinese finger trap. )

"I've got a bare-butted baby and I'm not afraid to use him!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( ushering in a new era of fear and intimidation )

"It's a slippery slide. "I'm going to play dungeons and dragons", "I am going to join the SCA", "Oh my God I'm larping!!!""

-Kristin Sheppard

"By 'garbage' I meant 'recycling', and Yuffie ate her puke!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh no Henry! Grandma took your knife! Now how will you fight the ninjas?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After giving his son a steak knife )

"He can use his dolly. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Clearly she doesn't understand ninjas )

"Honey! The ninjas will laugh at him!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Fearing the worst )

"Sure, we're supposed to honor God's creation, but some of it is really irritating."

-Mike Sheppard

"They have to watch you fondle someone?"

-Mike Rieck ( About the nursing exam. )

"Yep. But it's actually a prosthetic they bought from a sex store. "

-Eli Rieck ( Clearing up the confusion )

"Every Chicken has a mango. Every mango has a dream. "

-Mike Sheppard

"A dream to become a chicken. "

-Steve Kollmansberger ( And the circle has become complete. )

"I am Ormus."

-Mike Sheppard

"You're Mike Sheppard."

-Eli Rieck

"That's not what Ormus says."

-Mike Sheppard

"It's just so modern-fangled and hard!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Honey, it's just milk."

-Kristin Sheppard ( objecting to Mike's complaint about the quantity of dairy products on the market )

"You have the butt of a valkyrie!"

-Mike Sheppard ( after some London food had some room shaking results )

"Butts and food don't mix."

-Mike Sheppard ( this was the only part of a conversation that Eli Rieck heard from another room )

"Babies aren't supposed to be ammo."

-Mike Sheppard

"The best thing about her is that she can't talk back!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( About having a headless wife. )

"You're doing a good job. The pieces are very symmetric. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While supervising his wife cutting a pizza )

"Keep this in mind for my annual review."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Quite sarcastically. )

"Mike, you could open a doughnut shop and call it Mike's Balls of Lard."

-Evangeline Rand

"Mexican men are so hot... they would touch my butt and my thighs on the subway, ...it made me feel sexy."

-Evangeline Rand

"Does Eli shed? It is gross? Does his hair remind you of your sister?"

-Evangeline Rand

"Your words are like music to me."

-Mike Sheppard

"I am hot and cold at the same time, and my body aches!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Horrible complaining music..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Reflecting fondly )

"I love you. Let us die. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Too much Opera lately )

"It's like trying to nurse an octopus!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Dealing with a flailing infant )

"We could be the doodie choir!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( after forgetting the lyrics to a song, and replacing them all with 'Doodie )

"I would have never degraded myself like that if I knew I wasn't gonna get something."

-Danica Boe

"Maybe your heaven will be a little bit 'dimmer'."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I would have been crying too if had that in my pants!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her sons' diaper )

"Maybe it's a haunted tent."

-Kristin Sheppard ( suggesting a possible reason that Danica didn't want to take her tent on a hiking trip )

"Imagine, if you will, a brick made of macaroni and meat."

-Mike Sheppard ( when asked how his dinner tasted )

"I've always wanted to know what a natural woman felt like."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While listening to Aretha Franklin )

"I'd like to watch you feel one!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'm glad I have a bun and not worms!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( After a misunderstanding )

"And it is making my water taste like farts."

-Kristin Sheppard ( complaining about the side effects of her husband's flatulence )

"I think it's funny how where your two legs attach you have a butt, but where your two arms attach you have a head."

-Mike Sheppard

"I wouldn't want to go poopey in a box or lick my own butt."

-Kristin Sheppard ( on the drawbacks of being a cat )

"Tonight we're going to fight the devil!"

-Mike Sheppard ( confirming his plans to play Diablo II online later )

"You can fight the devil with prayer too."

-Kristin Soukkala

"It's easier to just point and click."

-Mike Sheppard

"I'd rather shoot you than get you a pan flute."

-Kristin Sheppard ( ruining her husband's Christmas )

"My mom is such trailer trash."

-Mike Sheppard ( discussing how Eli began to like beer after Mike's mom brought some over for Mother's Day )

"There's no carnage. I'm leaving."

-Kristin Soukkala

"Let that be a lesson! Don't stand at your back door in your underwear when you have people working back there!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Hired employees started a little earlier than he thought )

"It's pristine! You could eat dinner off that butt!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( not a recommendation, just an observation )

"I can torture you."

-Kristin Soukkala

"I know you can."

-Mike Sheppard

"Gee, your cucumber is kind of soft. I like mine a bit more firm."

-Evangeline Rand

"I have a bruise on my heart!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Hurt himself crawling around under the bed. )

"They take out the things that look sensuous."

-Eli Rieck ( on how cats are spayed )

"I think jogging is a terrible sport. People always look miserable when they jog. It's probably because they are."

-Kristin Sheppard ( while watching joggers in the Borghese Gardens in Rome )

"I only select the hairiest of roommates."

-Mike Sheppard

"I was called dick half my life.... At least I think that is why they called me dick."

-Bill Reynolds ( He came from Yakima... )

"Apparently, the Seahawks don't have to be good."

-Mike Sheppard ( after the Seahawks recieved their second first down in a row from penalties )

"It takes 9 months for the panic to turn into responsibility."

-Mike Sheppard ( on parenthood )

"You're NOT using a soldering iron on me!"

-Kristin Soukkala ( to Mike Sheppard )

"It's sad that something so beautiful has to die... for my pleasure."

-Mike Sheppard

"Dad! If you're too big to fit in the car you can't go to the store to buy video games, right?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( On practical reasons for staying trim and healthy )

"Teddy and my relationship transcends common sense."

-Mike Sheppard ( About his 2 year old son )

"That describes most of your relationships."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Hold on to your hat!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( During a Christmas movie while Santa was flying in his sleigh. )

"Just because I fold paper occasionally it doesn't mean I need a [paper] trebuchet!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Words lost on people who didn't want to hear it. )

"Your entire package is visible!"

-Mike Sheppard ( to a java programmer )

"If you wanna date me, you gotta wear a mask."

-Mike Rieck

"I'm glad I didn't accidentally kill you."

-Mike Sheppard

"Does anyone want to see Todd naked?"

-Mike Sheppard ( while pointing a water gun at Todd )

"I think pretty much if you're in the cocaine trade you're screwing people over."

-Mike Sheppard

"Get out, you dumb bass!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I want to hatch the egg."

-Theodore Sheppard ( He meant crack. )

"Henry! What is best in life?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Going to school!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( That attitude will change. )

"Hey boys - if you're going to fight go do it where someone won't get hurt. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his sons )

"It takes a lot of skill to get a big ball in a small hole."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing basketball )

"Do you know what also has the pH of tears? Orphan tears!! And you don't see me dumping those in my eyes!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sure, You don't know where those orphans eyes have been."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing her sensitive side )

"Honey - I have some code and I really want it in the Linux kernel..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Implying his wife had the 'skills' necessary to get the code included )

"I don't like beards!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Putting an end to her husbands ambitions )

"It's a ho-ho-ho bag! (giggle) Well, not quite."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing Henry a present in a Santa themed bag. )

"I can't stop cleaning!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Nesting, with two months to go )

"I want him to go to bed so I can start eating candy. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On parenthood's drawbacks )

"You can exaggerate a little, I can exaggerate a little. That's how marriage works. It's a compromise."

-Mike Sheppard

"OF LIES!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( not a fan of compromises )

"Down here, everything's built on rickety popsicle sticks and a foundation of diarrhea!"

-Eli Rieck ( contrasting Heaven and here... bitterly )

"Weeping for the sins of our country; That's hot."

-Evangeline Rand

"Indifference beats rock."

-Mike Sheppard ( regarding Scott Hamilton refusing to play 'rocks paper scissors' with Nathan Goff )

"My theory is that because it doesn't have a wang it might be a girl."

-Scott Hamilton

"This wine does not go with ice cream and beer."

-Mike Sheppard

"Ever since I started working in the bathroom I've learned to type quietly."

-Mike Sheppard

"Without a cake it's just us giving Matt a tube and playing risk. But with a cake it's a birthday party!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Party planning 101 )

"They saw a large white guy and figured they could get lots of blood."

-Allen Howard ( Blood donation in Mexico )

"They do both wear tons of makeup and have over-exaggerated body parts..."

-Mike Sheppard ( On the similarities between clowns and Victoria's Secret models )

"I guess it's not raining, I don't need my pants!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Washington weather, you never really know.. )

"Every time someone mentions Lawrence of Arabia you're going to think of me peeing!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Is that a dog?"

-Mike Rieck

"No, that's Mike Sheppard quacking along with lounge music."

-Eli Rieck

"Do you love Scott?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yes I do."

-Eli Rieck

"Did it feel weird to say that?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yes it did."

-Eli Rieck

"I'm gonna go to bed and think about the horrible things you just told me."

-Mike Sheppard

"Tomorrow I'm going to feed him nothing but Cheese and Concrete."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her son who's been having some issues wiping his own backside. )

"I think I just had the most successful poo of my life. 8 and a half hefty inches. Took less than a minute from start to finish. Satisfaction factor off the charts."

-Eli Rieck ( Recieved in a text message. )

"Yes I measured"

-Eli Rieck ( Unsolicited second message. )

"Your phone ding ding's a lot!"

-Joshua Hudson

"You leave my ding ding out of this!"

-Leif Abbott ( Warning Mr. Hudson. )

"With your brains and my saying "yes," we can do anything!"

-Eli Rieck ( to Scott )

"I'd love you but you're too big."

-Todd Ganey

"I sniffed butts all the time DON'T QUOTE THAT!"

-Danica Boe ( i had no idea )

"I'm gonna dissect a shark!"

-Eli Rieck ( when given the option of dissecting a shark or a placenta )

"Teddy!!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( At her son who was drinking pure maple syrup right from the container )

"Knock it off! I'm trying to be romantic!"

-Danica Rieck

"You made the poop face first!"

-Eli Rieck

"No Henry eat poop!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On things that should not be eaten )

"If it weren't for our dang religion I'd have two wives. One I liked, and YOU!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his 9 month pregnant wife. )

"Do you want to take you know who on a you know what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Can I first do you know what you know where?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Henry, don't put dill seeds on your brother's head."

-Kristin Sheppard