"It’s just YouTube and prayer."

-Marshall Crabtree ( On doing home repairs )

"A duck in the pond in the rain is still getting hit by the rain but the rain is running off but the duck is still wet."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Unachieved profundity. )

"You are more modern than I am, so now you have to do what I said."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Explaining to Mike Sheppard the complications inherent in cow fraction purchasing. )

"I definitely make fun of my wife but I try to be ‘nice enough’."

-Marshall Crabtree ( On keeping marriages strong. )

"A Rieck should have a pond."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Riecks have needs. )

"This go nowhere but jail"

-Marshall Crabtree ( On hypothetical belly button antics. )

"I generally encourage people to take things more seriously if they don't grow back. However, some things that grow back are also serious."

-Marshall Crabtree ( Pharmacist advice is advice from a pharmacist )

"I help people who have burned their peeners. "

-Marshall Crabtree ( On the pros and cons of being a pharmacist )

"Get the Spoon! Spank the Kitty!"

-Marshall Crabtree

"Well I wasn't naked."

-Eli Rieck

"I like this story so far."

-Marshall Crabtree

"CALCIUM CARBIDE RECTUM!"

-Marshall Crabtree

"Hello... is... Eliie Ri... Eek available?"

-Marshall Crabtree

"Yeah I remembered. I just forgot."

-Marshall Crabtree

"I've fixed things when I'm pooping."

-Marshall Crabtree

"I'm really reading... slow... it."

-Marshall Crabtree