"I honestly enjoyed my time with my peanut noodles."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the joys of solitude. )

"I almost died! My pant hole was full of pant!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Tripping while getting his pants on. )

"Instead of full of hole?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I’ve got middle age! I’m noticing birds!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the down side of aging. )

"It's probably YOU!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( In response to her husband asking 'do you know what the worst thing about our family is?' )

"It's between me and God and the bidet!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not anymore )

"Sshhhhh…don’t call her that when she’s here."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Some nicknames are nice. And some are funny. )

"What are you doing in here? I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO LICK THAT!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Bad dog got into the pantry )

"There’s nothing sadder than an unsatisfying peach."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not pleased with her evening snack. )

"I need to sleep!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Stayed up too late )

"That’s why we’re going to bed."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I pee in the backyard like the dog."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On how she avoids bathrooms used by her children. )

"It’s slightly worrisome that they have a game called ‘Dead Body’."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her children )

"What is this, some kind of weird European way of looking at the world? I want my maps to have America right in the middle!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On a trip to Austria )

"You can watch the words on a page as you read them with your eyes."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her solution to a kid who wants to watch YouTube all day. )

"This is why you work from home."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband who will never be allowed to work in HR )

"I shouldn’t squeeze it so hard. Now it hurts."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Ohm….ohm….ohm…."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Appeared to be meditating )

"Lucy, what are you doing?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I’m trying to fly!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( What has she been watching???? )

"I thought I smelled meat then realized it was your pants."

-Kristin Sheppard ( There was an incident at dinner. )

"What is that?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Observing a strange, plastic wrapped bundle at the end of a neighbor’s driveway )

"It’s a newspaper."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On ancient relics of the past. )

"The only thing that makes me worried is that it's an anxiety producing event."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Anxious about anxiety )

"The stupid way they’re teaching math is making our kids idiots!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not a fan of ‘fast tens’ )

"It’s true."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Woefully. )

"Nor-mal! Nor-mal! Nor-mal!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( What normal people say when they are walking around reveling in their normalcy )

"When you become a Marine you either marry your high school sweetheart or a stripper."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Working on recruitment slogans for the Marine Corps )

"You’re too stupid to know that you’re stupid!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Offering a defense for the cat. )

"The only thing worse than stepping in cold cat vomit is stepping in warm cat vomit."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the joys of pet ownership )

"Machismo! I’ve got Machismo! Would you like to see my Machismo?"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"Sure"

-Kristin Sheppard ( She had never sounded so bored in her life. )

"I...I wasn’t prepared for that answer..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Unsure how to proceed. )

"People would laugh at us. They’d say, “Hey! Look at those corpses!”"

-Mike Sheppard ( On being swept out to sea to drown. )

"HAW HAW!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laughing at corpses. )

"He’s having pre-teen angst."

-Kristin Sheppard

"You having some pre-teen angst Henry? Would you like me to get you a cream for it?"

-Mike Sheppard

"That’s what I like to do! Satisfy my blood lust!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Did you put salt on the eggs? I don’t like salt on the eggs."

-Lucy Sheppard ( There was salt on the eggs. )

"But Lucy, you ate the whole egg!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"That’s because it tasted good!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"I’m gonna hot glue your tail to your forehead!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Looking for ways to spend time with the cat during lockdown. )

"The last time I had a good nights sleep was the time I dreamt you died."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her very alive husband. )

"You know we’ve hit rock bottom when there is a sexy Coronavirus costume."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Halloween 2020. )

"You kids don’t use the word ‘Hankering’ enough."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his children, on their grammatical faux pas )

"Like the dickens they don’t!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Did not approve of where the conversation was going. )

"Henry, don’t be pedantic."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his pedantic child. )

"You do it to me!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I learned it by watching you Dad!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This is your brain on pedanticism... )

"I left my bilikins in the kayak by my Igloo!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( How to sound Alaskan. )

"I wonder what it’s like playing the game with adults?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After playing a long, involved board game with his children. )

"Fun."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Remember that ‘People of Walmart’ website? That was the meanest site I ever …"

-Mike Sheppard

"Laughed at."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Yeah."

-Mike Sheppard

"Teddy! We just got your stitches out. We don’t want to have to go and get you new ones."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Concerned with her son’s dance routine. )

"Why?"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Do you know how much I hate that?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her daughter was begging for something. )

"Seventeen percent?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( More like 100%. )

"I separate people's underpants from the pants that they wore them with."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On how far good grades got her in life. )

"I think if I am sent to hell it would be a rave."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On crowded, flashy migraine triggers )

"Why is the toilet down in the living room?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Another day at the Sheppard household. )

"I invented you with my genius!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his bright, friendly and fun to be around daughter )

"That’s not what you used."

-Kristin Sheppard ( The child’s mother. )

"True love is standing in the closet to brush your teeth."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Weird but true )

"It was the ‘90s! People didn’t know any better!"

-Mike Sheppard ( On the bizarre pop music of the past )

"I knew better."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I hurt myself reading. 🤕"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On getting older )

"I’d hate to be your toilet if you ate 8."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On high fiber energy bars. )

"You’d love to be my toilet otherwise?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I never want to be your toilet."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I don’t like it when you remember the things I’ve told you."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On having one of the rules she created quoted back to her. )

"There are certain things about your father that I can’t change but I don’t like."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her children, after hearing her husbands impression of her )

"Lucy, quit picking your nose!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her 4-year old )

"But I’m trying to get boogers!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( At least she’s doing I’m in her car like a real American! )

"When I get back I’ll be sticky and fuzzy."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On visiting a store that sells yarn and honey. )

"I'm going to tush your pinchie!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Wait...reverse that )

"No more juice today. Otherwise you’re going to turn into a juice pack and a straw is going to grow out of the top of your head!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her daughter, the juice enthusiast )

"I’m just imagining the worst case scenario!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Relaxing herself before bed. )

"But I’m scared right now!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Why?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"For no reason."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Channeling his mother )

"I wanted you to take a bath or a shower Teddy, but not at the dinner table!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Evening as usual at the Sheppard household )

"Something smells bad."

-Lucy Sheppard

"It's probably my lotion."

-Kristin Sheppard

"No - it's my Toot!"

-Lucy Sheppard

"Ooh! Let’s go buy an adult!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( What exactly do they sell at ‘adult’ shops? )

"What are you doing?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her three-year-old daughter who was sitting in a bathtub with a strange expression on her face. )

"Im agonizing. "

-Lucy Sheppard

"They could call them...wait for it...LuLa-Crow!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Chickens wearing dresses )

"You need to be wearing shorts of some kind. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( In repsponse to her husbands request for her to take some tasteful nude pictures of hin )

"Maybe instead of emerging as fully formed human beings children could begin as grubs with a sort of a straw that sucks the life out of you. They could develop arms, legs and talking mouths later."

-Mike Sheppard ( On building a better tomorrow )

"You've clearly never nursed a baby."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Do you want to see a video about one of the most beautiful places on earth?"

-Mike Sheppard

"If you say 'My Pants' I'm out. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"WHERE ARE YOUR TEETH?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Just another day at the Sheppard household )

"Are you sad because you realized your family is insane?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her crying daughter )

"Your family is in Spain?!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Been working on geography )

"Mom, mom! I watched a scary movie at Grandma Sheppard's house and it made my brain CRAZY,"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Oh my! What was it?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Sponge Bob SquarePants."

-Theodore Sheppard

"Hey, no using the force on your sister. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Henry kept talking about how amazing it would be if he could magically change into shorts at school. Now I'm worried he wore shorts under his jeans and is going to strip down at some inappropriate time."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her shorts loving son, on a cold early-spring morning. )

"Your children are 9/10ths Syrup!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband, on why the chairs are always so sticky )

"Destruction. Mayhem. Nudity. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( When asked how her son Teddy was doing )

"Teddy, don't do that."

-Kristin Sheppard

"But I want to!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( He's chaotic neutral. )

"The more of this cider I drink the more I like it. That is the mark of a good alcohol. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his first batch of hard cider )

"And bad alcohol. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"I thought I was picking a sprinkle off my chest...IT WAS FACE MASK!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the hazards of eating a doughnut while wearing a face mask )

"Why is Lucy curious about everything?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Because she is a baby. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"And because she has a small brain. "

-Henry Sheppard ( Showing his sibling love. )

"My ph is off balance! I'm turning acidic! I'm melting away in my own juices!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Freaking out a bit )

"I'm going to wake up one morning and next to me in bed will be nothing but a puddle and some dental fillings. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Didn't sound overly concerned. )

"Helmi, go make me a dessert that doesn't have any calories, no sugar and tastes like German chocolate cake. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her cat. Good luck with that. )

"It's not nice to spy on your neighbors. I'm going upstairs for a better view."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Unless they're getting arrested. )

"I find it odd that I think nothing is weird about smelling my child's butt. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( While checking on a diaper )

"Mommies are like a slave. How long have you been a slave mom?"

-Henry Sheppard

"About 6 years Henry. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her about 6-year-old son )

"Mom, you can be the mean dragon and Lucy will be the baby princess. I'll be the knight. "

-Henry Sheppard

"Teddy, who will you be?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I'm a T-Rex! ROAR!!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"But we're living in a world of cheese..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( In a beegee's style sing song voice )

"That song is dumb. "

-Henry Sheppard

"There's just no winning if you don't win. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( One of life's great truths )

"You can't date anyone until after you are married Lucy. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laying some ground rules for her infant daughter. )

"You apparently have not heard the legend of the amply bosomed Belgian belles of Belfast?"

-Mike Sheppard ( On Belgian Brassieres )

"Brussels. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( That would have made more sense. )

"If you send the Incredible Hulk a letter for Christmas instead of Santa Claus do you know what you get?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Asking his 3-year old son )

"TOENAIL FUNGUS!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Didn't give her son a chance to answer )

"We wouldn't do it if you all weren't so HOT!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife, on the objectification of women )

"You wouldn't do it if you all weren't such pigs!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Mom, can you make me some lunch?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Sure, you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

-Kristin Sheppard

"What? Only one option?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Starvation is always an option )

"But I can't knit a shawl on it. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On things that can't be used as alternatives to knitting needles )

"Tomorrow I'm going to feed him nothing but Cheese and Concrete."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her son who's been having some issues wiping his own backside. )

"I want have TEN more babies!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO )

"You're a time boob."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband, ending the conversation. )

"Teddy, you're turning awfully pink. Are you ok?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To a sunburn prone Toddler )

"I can be pink if I want to."

-Theodore Sheppard ( Not concerned about the sunshine )

"What time is it when a lion eats your kangaroo Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Playing with a Kangaroo and Lion toy )

"5:30?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Do you feel loved?"

-Mike Sheppard

"No"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Do you feel weirded out?"

-Mike Sheppard

"A little bit..."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I think these underpants are too small. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her giant, potty training toddler )

"Maybe they're for the baby. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( To his pregnant mother )

"I had asparagus with my dinner!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Overheard through the restroom door, singing to herself )

"It's like a taste test, but for razor blades!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( If your last name is Sheppard this makes sense. )

"I'm going to be the mother who was loved to death."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her 2 year old is a super beast and hugs like a freight train )

"It was YOU!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Accusing his mother of throwing a paper towel at him )

"How do you know?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Because I'm so smart!"

-Henry Sheppard ( We'll see if that holds up in court. )

"Can you bludgeon me do death with this please?"

-Mike Sheppard

"But then who will bludgeon me?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Two sick parents with two healthy children )

"Teddy and my relationship transcends common sense."

-Mike Sheppard ( About his 2 year old son )

"That describes most of your relationships."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Mommy! Teddy's making me bottom soup!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sounding very upset )

"Well, you don't have to eat it. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"It's dark and cold all of the time and I loved it!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Iceland. )

"That is something goofy I have done. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Marrying Mike Sheppard )

"Do you remember the time I had to stop you from saying 'the dickens'?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her husband has a problem with catch phrases )

"You are my honey and you are sweeter than any sugar!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his wife )

"And you are dorkier than any whale penis. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Never learned to take a compliment. )

"It takes a lot of skill to get a big ball in a small hole."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing basketball )

"Why do you think I married you? Your mom lured me to do it!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the deviousness of Laurie Sheppard )

"Act like a human being!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Yelling at her kids. )

"If I wanted to hear high-pitched, whiny voices, I'd listen to my children. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On certain female vocalists )

"If I take you there will you take your top off?"

-Mike Sheppard ( His wife was planning vacations again. )

"YES"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The Sheppard's are going on vacation! )

"Teddy, give me the cumin..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( From the other room it sounded like a hostage situation )

"Men should NOT wear leotards and do things like this!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( While watching a music video. )

"Do not eat me up! I am not raising fine young cannibals!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Yelled at her children. )

"Say butt mama! Say butt!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Thinks butts are pretty funny. )

"I'm not going to say butt. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Winning the argument? )

"Unless you've been rolling in the Ebola virus you do NOT need a bath!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Opposed to letting her children have multiple baths a day. )

"No Henry, we don't say 'Poo-Pop' mouth. What we do do is eat our dinner!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Laying down the law! )

"That's right Henry! We 'doodoo' our dinner!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Not helping. )

"I'm going to dangle my sausage a you!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Making Jambalaya )

"I've smelled other men..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Wait...what??? )

"Unlike you, I am not wearing pants."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Anything goes in Seattle )

"Teddy!!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( At her son who was drinking pure maple syrup right from the container )

"All great quotes deal with strangling. Or poop."

-Kristin Sheppard

"No one tells you that you simultaneously want to strangle and love your child."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On potty training )

"It is broken. Daddy needs to fix it."

-Henry Sheppard ( Showing his Mom a broken christmas ornament. )

"Where's the rest of the ornament?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"In my pants."

-Henry Sheppard

"If they don't eat they don't poop."

-Kristin Sheppard ( After a solid week of diarrhea. )

"I am trying to imagine your butt taking a page."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Some people have weird hobbies. )

"Why does it smell so fishy in here?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Iceland restrooms. )

"There's a Zamboni in the Lobby!"

-Mike Sheppard

"This is Iceland..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( At the Iceland Airport )

"I'd give you meat but it's hard. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While dishing up Taco meat at dinner!! )

"That's what she said!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Touche )

"You're going to have to put up with your father I'm sorry. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Refusing to play with her son. )

"Only in the Sheppard house is ring-around-the-Rosie a contact sport. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Stating a fact. )

"I have to be a pain in the butt. Otherwise you would want another wife!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Polygamy )

"I don't know what you did with your steak. I think it might be in your pants!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( A common phrase in the Sheppard house these days )

"Why don't my kids take my threats seriously?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After his threats were met with laughter )

"Because you named your arms thunder and lightning?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Those kids don't need frisbees, they need homes!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Being correct and being nice aren't always the same )

"Do you know what also has the pH of tears? Orphan tears!! And you don't see me dumping those in my eyes!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sure, You don't know where those orphans eyes have been."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing her sensitive side )

"Bacon is God's gift to Gentiles."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I don't say mean things about you. I say true things, and sometimes they just happen to be mean."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her husband )

"Henry, don't put dill seeds on your brother's head."

-Kristin Sheppard

"The sun needs to go down - stupid summer!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Waiting to go to sleep )

"Scott Moffitt's [on TV], Henry! You can't make this stuff up!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Why would you?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Do you know how stupid you look?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Knocking her husbands self esteem down a few points )

"Nothing weirder looking than an earless cat. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( How many does she know exactly?!? )

"What we love we often ruin. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Earning a quizzical look from her husband )

"If it's made of plastic!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Teddy, why do you have two forks? Are you the Drizzt Do'Urden of eating?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"You gotta dedicate the organ. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Lutherans. )

"Henry, eat your dinner and don't try to be like daddy. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Did those two orders really need to be combined? )

"You don't fist bump people in the face Henry!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her 3 year old )

"You said illicit! I guess that was explicit..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Horrifying her husband )

"But I wouldn't feel love!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not interested in becoming an Android )

"Teddy, Man Up!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To a crying 1 year old )

"Your dad drinks so much soda that he just litters it behind him like dandruff!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not as irritated as she sounds )

"Every time I swallowed it felt like I had a little Ninja in my throat kicking me with spiked shoes!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On recovering from a tonsillectomy )

"Honey - I have some code and I really want it in the Linux kernel..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Implying his wife had the 'skills' necessary to get the code included )

"I don't like beards!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Putting an end to her husbands ambitions )

"I don't want any crazy people showing up at our house wanting to eat us or have us eat them. NO!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Putting an end to her husbands latest scheme )

"What are knockers for Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry calls binoculars 'Knockers' )

"Mommy's shirt!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Maybe he understands more than we think )

"When did you take your pants off?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This question comes up way more often than normal when there are Toddlers in the house. )

"Instead of massage oil we use motor oil!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the mythical business 'Masculine Massage' )

"What does the moon look like Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her 2 year old is a fan of the moon )

"Pickle!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I didn't get weird until I married you!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Sadly, the evidence is on her side. )

"Look! They're so curly!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( What do they put in fake eyelashes? )

"If I were a vampire I would not drink your blood because I want you to survive from day to day."

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to be romantic, and failing )

"You could drink it a little.."

-Kristin Sheppard ( That's love?? )

"It's no plan at all! It's murder!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Bringing 'morality' into another discussion )

"He screamed when I got the knife out!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Parenting )

"How would our lives be different if we pooped out of our ankles?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Having trouble sleeping )

"Just because it's called Poupon doesn't mean you need to do that..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her Toddler who was sitting on a small Jar of Gray Poupon )

"Mommy is going to get Tourette's Henry!"

-Mike Sheppard

"BOOBIES!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"That girl is one step away from a street walker!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing 'What not to wear' at the Opera )

"At least you're pretty when your mouth is closed. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her dressed up husband )

"For two millennia women's looks have been placed above their intelligence!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her morning feminist rant )

"What do you know about it? You're a woman. "

-Mike Sheppard ( Grounds for a divorce )

"I'll get your delicious cheese somehow!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Wives have their ways )

"What did the snake do?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Asking her son to recount his recent terrifying experience with a snake )

"Scare mommy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Who ran away, jumped in a pool and cried when he saw the snake )

"Why are you naked and sitting in a box of diapers?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This question comes up a lot more than you'd think )

"You never saw Mario and the Princess doing that."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While playing Heavy Rain. )

"I've pulled more random things out of my butt than a string of numbers."

-Kristin Sheppard ( She's a blast at parties )

"Mike and Kristin want us to baby-sit next week so they can get some nookie Gorgonzola!"

-Laurie Sheppard ( She meant Gnocchi... )

"I do NOT want Nookie Gorgonzola!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( It does sound a bit dodgy... )

"You were a bicycle commuter month baby!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On life's little miracles )

"My meat doesn't fit!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The pan was too small )

"You are clearly jealous of me and my ability to sleep dryly!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Accusing her husband of dumping a glass of water on her while she slept )

"Teddy, just so you know you are taller than some primordial dwarves. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Said to her infant son )

"Heard a roll of distant thunder. Then realized it came from [the baby's] pants."

-Kristin Sheppard

"You will be spanked for hitting people."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining consequences to her sons )

"It has the ability to bend space and time and be in two places at once. It also grows lemons."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Unusually fond of her lemon tree )

"The only thing that scares Mommy more than lice is worms!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry won't be allowed to have any fun in grade school :( )

"Do you know what you mother would do if a coyote caught you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Asking his son the obvious question while watching a nature video )

"Rip its heart out. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Don't mess with Alaskans )

"I would have been crying too if had that in my pants!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her sons' diaper )

"It sounded like the cat barking!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On an odd noise heard from the back of the house )

"I passive-aggressively said 'Teddy would like you to stop singing.'"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining how her statement was not nagging )

"That's the same as nagging!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"The garbage can man in here! You should go see the dirty man!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( 'dirty' is one of the few words her son understands )

"You hate doing outdoor-sy things..."

-Mike Sheppard ( His wife had expressed a desire to do outdoor-sy things after looking in a catalog of people doing outdoor-sy things )

"I know, but if I had these clothes..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Never saw a dollar she didn't want to spend )

"Obey my instructions!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her husband was doing it wrong... )

"Poopey is not art."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining to a Toddler that poop should not be used for painting )

"You want mommy to lay down? Mommy won't argue with you!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Filthy Opportunist )

"I'm glad your daddy dressed you but...YOU GOT SOUP ON THE DOG!!?!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Adventures at lunch time )

"So, if I was a quadriplegic you'd check my diapers?"

-Mike Sheppard

"I'd do more than check your diapers [wink wink]!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Henry, there is nothing wrong with over-achieving. Mommy did it until she got married!!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Mommy doesn't want dog food in her toes. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Parent to a toddler )

"TAKE ADVIL!! IT'S TYLENOL YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MIX WITH ALCOHOL!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( During a surprise late night phone call from her mother )

"I don't know if I could eat my children but I could definitely eat you!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the coming Zombie Apocalypse )

"I'm not going to suck your snot. There are some things you'll only do for your children."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On if she wanted to test out her new snot sucker before trying it on a live toddler )

"No Henry. Mommy's not putting those in her nose again. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry brought his mommy some miniature toy milk cartons. )

"...again?"

-Mike Sheppard ( What's up with that? )

"He's my boy, and I love him. I'd never put him in the oven."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Sung to the tune of 'Spiderman' )

"It's kind of a weird phase he's going through. "

-Mike Sheppard ( On his son's recent habit of putting his feet on the dinner table while eating )

"I believe it's called childhood."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Correct, as usual. )

"I'll steam your pork buns!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( A threat not to be taken lightly )

"It's a ho-ho-ho bag! (giggle) Well, not quite."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Showing Henry a present in a Santa themed bag. )

"It looks like a brain in here! Come look at this!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On Henry's 5th Poop that day )

"I can't stop cleaning!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Nesting, with two months to go )

"I'm pretty sure that's Gene Simmons. No one looks like that and isn't Gene Simmons!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( It was Gene Simmons )

"Where are you going to find a shotgun at this time of night?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After being threatened by his wife )

"Don't tempt me!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Good advice - She's Alaskan )

"Well I am sorry but I am trying to find Spanish green olives that are pitted and not stuffed. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Yelling at her husband who had asked what was taking her so long at the supermarket. )

"I worry about being a farting old lady!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the side effects of motherhood )

"I was shopping with a one year old which is like herding drunken cat."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On who had the worst day. )

"CHEESE EQUALS LOVE!!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Fuzzy math )

"Sure he's a Jack Russell but he's got the balls of a St. Bernard!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( In an alternate timeline where the dog has had a testicle transplant )

"It's like a iPad but it's a Glow Worm!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Trying to lure her son away from the iPad )

"I am an instrument of God!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining why she has permission to put her cold feet on her husband )

"It's one of my emotions. Compliance and RAGE!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( She's Finnish )

"They'd probably give you medical leave because you are clearly insane. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not on board with her husbands' scheme )

"I thought Duke Nukem would be funner on the iPad..."

-Mike Sheppard

"MORE fun!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Correcting her husband mid-sentence )

"Up yours!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Doesn't like to be interrupted )

"There's nothing right about spanking kitties Henry!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Except how fun it is."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Not all bad advice comes from Dad )

"[You] don't want to get too close to the dog. He had a penis licker for a friend today. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( After the dog returned from a morning in doggy daycare )

"I will kill you with my guns if it is right and just."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Spreading fear in the Sheppard household )

"Your words are like music to me."

-Mike Sheppard

"I am hot and cold at the same time, and my body aches!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Horrible complaining music..."

-Mike Sheppard ( Reflecting fondly )

"I love you. Let us die. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Too much Opera lately )

"He's naked under a tarp!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The reason Henry's friends can't visit )

"Sure, you may get crabs from our sheets but..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Bad Hotel Slogans )

"Don't put your cupcake in your diaper!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Motherly advice )

"Do you want to take you know who on a you know what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Can I first do you know what you know where?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"YOU KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT!!!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't want my child quoting Duke Nukem!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Shake it baby... )

"The best thing about her is that she can't talk back!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( About having a headless wife. )

"There are worse reasons [than pity] to get married. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Defending herself? )

"Like what?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Spite. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Leaving her husband afraid and confused. )

"[My computer animation class] was one of the silliest things I've ever been involved in. Definitely in the top 10."

-Mike Sheppard

"Our marriage ranks #2!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Then you could copy the comics onto my butt!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( If she were made of silly putty )

"The words were true, but not the way you were stringing them together."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On her husband's lies. )

"Henry, no being a man-whore. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Offering sound advice. )

"It's ok. If you were home during the day, you'd see the crazy things I do to keep him entertained."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the trials of childcare. )

"If you get a pan flute I'm getting a gun and I'll either shoot you or me. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( No pan flute )

"It's a slippery slide. "I'm going to play dungeons and dragons", "I am going to join the SCA", "Oh my God I'm larping!!!""

-Kristin Sheppard

"Can I make up goals for you?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After being told his goal for the day was vacuuming )

"No. That's how marriage works. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Keeping her man in line. )

"It's like trying to nurse an octopus!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Dealing with a flailing infant )

"I've always wanted to know what a natural woman felt like."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While listening to Aretha Franklin )

"I'd like to watch you feel one!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't usually go to sites that have girls with boobs."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Explaining why she doesn't have Adblock installed )

"You go to those boobless girl sites?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Wondering about the alternatives )

"Yes"

-Kristin Sheppard

"What's a suckachu?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( The obvious question after listening to her husband leave disparaging messages to his friends. )

"I'm glad I have a bun and not worms!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( After a misunderstanding )

"Their 'T' is really phallic."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On the Twister Doughnuts sign. )

"Will you still be sad eleven years after I die?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Would I be married to an Italian Count and living in Tuscany?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I'm going to think manly thoughts."

-Mike Sheppard ( Posing in a manly, pensive pose. )

"You're clearly not thinking anything."

-Kristin Sheppard ( She could tell )

"Don't pull on it like that!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Overheard while she was giving the baby a bath. )

"We want the carnage to be well lit."

-Kristin Sheppard ( On why she was turning on the lights. )

"That was my interpretation of becoming more, seeing farther...transcendence!!!"

-Mike Sheppard ( After doing an interpretive dance with his hands )

"That was my interpretation of the crap you just said!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Making a gesture of her own )

"You're doing a good job. The pieces are very symmetric. "

-Mike Sheppard ( While supervising his wife cutting a pizza )

"Keep this in mind for my annual review."

-Kristin Sheppard ( Quite sarcastically. )

"Henry, you are the do-do-ing-est baby. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( While Henry was wandering around saying do-do. )

"I can't hear what they're saying because of the grunting. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Watching the olympics while her husband played doom )

"Oh no Henry! Grandma took your knife! Now how will you fight the ninjas?"

-Mike Sheppard ( After giving his son a steak knife )

"He can use his dolly. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Clearly she doesn't understand ninjas )

"Honey! The ninjas will laugh at him!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Fearing the worst )

"I feel like this should go in a bad parenting video."

-Kristin Sheppard ( While Mom and Dad were pulling on the baby like a chinese finger trap. )

"Mike and his Tea-Drinking, Crapping Posse."

-Kristin Sheppard ( you really don't want to know )

"I've got a bare-butted baby and I'm not afraid to use him!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( ushering in a new era of fear and intimidation )

"You can exaggerate a little, I can exaggerate a little. That's how marriage works. It's a compromise."

-Mike Sheppard

"OF LIES!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( not a fan of compromises )

"I'd rather shoot you than get you a pan flute."

-Kristin Sheppard ( ruining her husband's Christmas )

"Charlie, someday I want a coat made from Jack Russell ears."

-Kristin Sheppard ( channelling Madam Deville )

"Therefore, I am more valuable than the cookies."

-Kristin Sheppard ( concluding a compelling argument why her husband was better off married to her and not to the cookies )

"Quit being a Sheppard!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( after her husband told a bad pun )

"No matter how much you waggle your eyebrows at me I'm not going to say yes."

-Kristin Sheppard

"And it is making my water taste like farts."

-Kristin Sheppard ( complaining about the side effects of her husband's flatulence )

"Eventually you come to the point where you just give up."

-Mike Sheppard ( speaking to his son Henry )

"That's why I married your Daddy!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( speaking to her son Henry )

"I can't sleep when I know you have a hat on your head!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"It's pristine! You could eat dinner off that butt!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( not a recommendation, just an observation )

"That's freedom!"

-Mike Sheppard ( approving of one of his son's hobbies )

"Pooping in bed."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Yeah, he's half yours. The half that poops."

-Kristin Sheppard ( confirming Henry's Paternity )

"I have to keep it clean! It's only a bonus that it tastes so good!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( interpreting for Charlie Sheppard, who licks himself a lot )

"You put your butt in my hand. All I did was squeeze!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Honey, you're making me love you less."

-Kristin Sheppard ( mike Sheppard was doing something stupid )

"You don't want to wear big pants when you're on a pogo-stick."

-Kristin Sheppard ( reflecting on another of lifes' universal truths )

"Was she trying to fornicate?"

-Eli Rieck

"No, she was trying to tear his eyes out."

-Kristin Sheppard

"OK, good."

-Eli Rieck

"It's just so modern-fangled and hard!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Honey, it's just milk."

-Kristin Sheppard ( objecting to Mike's complaint about the quantity of dairy products on the market )

"To pee or not to pee that is not the question because I have to pee!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( while running down the hallway )

"I'll try to look more bad-ass."

-Kristin Sheppard

"We could be the doodie choir!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( after forgetting the lyrics to a song, and replacing them all with 'Doodie )

"You are filling this cat's head with lies!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( after a derogatory comment about Helmi's mother )

"I think jogging is a terrible sport. People always look miserable when they jog. It's probably because they are."

-Kristin Sheppard ( while watching joggers in the Borghese Gardens in Rome )

"I don't want to be a Saint!!!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( after visiting the chapel containing the mummified head of Saint Catherine )

"I love vanilla bean!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I love vanilla bean!"

-Mike Sheppard

"I love vanilla bean!"

-Mike Sheppard

"You've said that three times!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( objecting to how much Mike loved his dessert )

"They're little golden nuggets of fat and calories."

-Kristin Sheppard ( about the Steak Frites of Legend, in a Parisian restaurant )

"I think it goes A, B then Porn."

-Kristin Sheppard ( on motion pictures )

"Every time someone mentions Lawrence of Arabia you're going to think of me peeing!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I love our tree so much that I'm going to run away with it!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Sounds like a pretty sappy romance."

-Kristin Sheppard

"I am surprised so many animals clean their butts with their tongues."

-Mike Sheppard

"It's natures' toilet paper!"

-Kristin Sheppard

"She's not a true deviant, she only has a fetish."

-Kristin Sheppard

"We could roll around Olympia in our balls!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( on things you can do with giant hamster balls )

"You only tell me you love me to distract me from the stupid things you just said."

-Kristin Sheppard ( on the real reason she wound up married )

"Maybe your heaven will be a little bit 'dimmer'."

-Kristin Sheppard

"He's not Gandalf the White, he's Gandalf the Bad-Ass!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( while watching Lord of the Rings )

"I wouldn't want to go poopey in a box or lick my own butt."

-Kristin Sheppard ( on the drawbacks of being a cat )

"Maybe it's a haunted tent."

-Kristin Sheppard ( suggesting a possible reason that Danica didn't want to take her tent on a hiking trip )

"You shouldn't make love to a steak. It's wrong."

-Kristin Sheppard ( on Steak eating etiquette )

"I can't help it. I was put on earth to feed people."

-Kristin Sheppard ( explaining why she's always inviting people to dinner )

"...Todd's not that great."

-Kristin Sheppard ( in reference to Todd Ganey's Mountain Biking Skills )

"You have to help me pick the carcass."

-Kristin Sheppard

"Don't talk dirty in front of the guests."

-Mike Sheppard