"Dad? Do you think we’ll ever turn to the news and find that someone randomly donated 100 kidneys to a hospital?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Life’s big questions. )

"Can I have a glass of milk?"

-Lucy Sheppard

"It’s MAY I have a glass of milk."

-Henry Sheppard ( Brothers are helpful. )

"May I have a glass of YOUR FACE!!!!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( No )

"Lay eggs."

-Henry Sheppard ( Offering his sister advice on how to play the game Wingspan. )

"(After a look of extreme concentration and mild grunting noises) I don’t think I can."

-Lucy Sheppard ( Is not a bird. )

"Everyone around me is fake. I am the reality."

-Henry Sheppard

"Jenny has 152 peaches. I think Jenny has a mental illness."

-Henry Sheppard ( Why do math problems always involve so much fruit? )

"So, when I’m a parent I’ll just have other random parents’ phone numbers in my phone?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Going through the contact list on his mom’s phone. )

"No, they’ll be on your wife’s phone."

-Lucy Sheppard

"I want to live in a porta-potty where the oven is also the toilet."

-Henry Sheppard ( We all have our dreams. )

"I wouldn’t call what I do ‘support’."

-Henry Sheppard ( On being ‘supportive’ of his siblings. )

"I don’t smell the cigarettes and depression."

-Henry Sheppard ( Doubting the realism of a movie shot in Las Vegas )

"We still haven’t seen a ‘Thesaurus’."

-Henry Sheppard ( Disappointment at the dinosaur park. )

"We’re going to have a new family sock policy. I’m going to check your feet three times a day, and if you’re not wearing at least two socks on two different feet I’m going to staple a sock to your forehead!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Laying down the sock law to his kids. )

"That seems harsh."

-Henry Sheppard ( He’s not wrong. )

"Ballads will be sung!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On his miraculous Unicycle ride of 35 feet. )

"How would I do my worst? I don’t have any toilet paper!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Apparently his worst involves toilet paper. )

"Become one with the Merry-go-round."

-Henry Sheppard ( Playground wisdom. )

"No one is allowed in my room with [only] underwear on!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Objected to her brother's outfit )

"Go put some socks on Teddy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Future Lawyer for the Libertarian Party. )

"Lucy! Come over here so you can do my chore for me!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not a fan of taking out the recycling. )

"No!"

-Lucy Sheppard ( The only right answer. )

"But my chore is testing out candy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Resorting to falsehood like a scoundrel )

"Is that true mom?"

-Lucy Sheppard ( Don’t fall for it! )

"I think my hair feels longer."

-Henry Sheppard ( Taking his helmet off after a 20 mile bike ride. )

"All he does is come down here, not work on the puzzle and criticize my song!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Grumping that his son didn’t care for his singing )

"I was about to criticize it too."

-Henry Sheppard ( Tough room. )

"Only one bowl and only for breakfast, Teddy."

-Henry Sheppard ( Rationing the Lucky Charms cereal amid Covid19. )

"There’s no proof that nothing can’t exist."

-Henry Sheppard

"Henry, don’t be pedantic."

-Mike Sheppard ( To his pedantic child. )

"You do it to me!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I learned it by watching you Dad!"

-Kristin Sheppard ( This is your brain on pedanticism... )

"Finally a girl!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A 10 year old boy. )

"Why do you need a girl?"

-Mike Sheppard ( The boy’s father. )

"So I can breed!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He was playing Pokémon. )

"We need a stake and some wood Dad!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Why?"

-Mike Sheppard

"So we can burn the winner!"

-Henry Sheppard ( The victor has earned their place in Valhalla. )

"You’re so old you’re losing your memory!"

-Henry Sheppard

"You’re so young you remember things that didn’t happen!"

-Mike Sheppard

"Whaaat?!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Can’t seem to tell if his Dad is joking or not. )

"Now I'll go put this in the freezer so I won't have to listen to YOU!"

-Henry Sheppard ( His Dad's latest lecture didn't inspire. )

"Mom, you’re the bee’s knees."

-Lucy Sheppard

"Teddy’s the chicken sneeze."

-Henry Sheppard

"Tomorrow is going to be the best day ever. I can FEEL it."

-Henry Sheppard ( Spirits riding high after winning a baseball game. )

"It almost made me barf. But I’ll do it again."

-Henry Sheppard ( On becoming a theme park junkie. )

"So you can cross ‘constipated’ off the list."

-Henry Sheppard ( On reasons Teddy is upset. )

"When you come to a fork in the road you should take it."

-Mike Sheppard ( Dad advice. )

"Especially when it’s made of silver!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Your hopes are your doubts!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Smack talk gone wrong. )

"When can I get something funny up there?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Wants to get on the quote board )

"When you say something funny."

-Mike Sheppard ( Standards must be upheld )

"Helmi [the cat] isn't a feline she's a Canine."

-Henry Sheppard ( Trying too hard. )

"That's not funny."

-Mike Sheppard

"You laughed."

-Henry Sheppard

"I laughed at how stupid it was not how funny it was."

-Mike Sheppard ( Dad's being brutal )

"But it hurts when I put a sock on!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Stepped on a Lego, now his life is dark. )

"You are personification itself!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( To the cat )

"They must be scared now because I’m awesome."

-Henry Sheppard ( On his foes )

"Of course Jesus sneezed."

-Henry Sheppard ( Great theological truth )

"...because your mom might become enraged and end all life on earth!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Scaring the kids )

"On no! That sounds bad!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Properly scared )

"Whenever you leave you always return Helmi!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Yelling at his annoying cat )

"I don’t know myself, I am myself!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Do you want to go sterile?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Concerned that his brother wouldn't wear his cup. )

"I had a son who I missed so I put some cinnamon rolls in his spot and I found I didn’t miss him as much."

-Mike Sheppard

"Great speech Dad"

-Henry Sheppard ( The prodigal son returns )

"Teddy’s doing the five stages of underpants."

-Henry Sheppard ( Afraid to ask what they are. )

"Owww. Why do I have a spine?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Complaining about old man pains )

"Because you’re a vertebrate?"

-Henry Sheppard ( He’s not wrong... )

"You could beat him if you just brought your appetite."

-Henry Sheppard ( On the stay-puft marshmallow man )

"Teddy I need to think of a quote"

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset that his brother was on some pillows )

"I’ve done a terrible job at succeeding."

-Henry Sheppard ( Lamenting his continual failure to locate his wallet )

"Know what? I am taller than a chicken."

-Henry Sheppard ( Height is relative. )

"No offense, but I made the best weight in the world!"

-Henry Sheppard ( No offense taken )

"WEAR SHIRTS TEDDY!"

-Henry Sheppard ( To his brother that had just spilled hot soup on his bare chest. )

" I've never heard of root-beer float flavored eggs "

-Henry Sheppard

"Teddy, there are new babies born every day."

-Henry Sheppard ( On the Magic of new life )

"I wonder what their name is? [pause to ponder] Poopy McFartle?"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Ok, maybe it's not so magical. )

"Someday I will go extinct and it will be up you you boys and your sister to remember everything that I have ever told you. "

-Mike Sheppard

"What did you just say?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Wasn't listening )

"Are you sad because you realized your family is insane?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her crying daughter )

"Your family is in Spain?!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Been working on geography )

"Will Luke [Skywalker] die in the next movie?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Yeah, because he has a beard like Obi Wan."

-Henry Sheppard ( Facial hair: the Achilles heel of Jedi knights )

"It's good that meatballs are not cigarettes!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A big fan of spaghetti )

"Dad, are lightsabers real?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Poor kid. Another childhood dream smashed. )

"Everything is awesome...when you are...naked!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sung to the tune of the Lego Movie song 'Everything is Awesome' )

"This is annoying me. "

-Henry Sheppard ( His younger siblings were screeching at each other. )

"Hey you're the banker! Go back to your bank!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Insults from a 6 year old )

"Money is made of money. "

-Henry Sheppard ( On things that are and aren't made of money )

"I'm going to be fatter. "

-Henry Sheppard ( About what it will be like to be a dad someday. )

"Has it been five minutes since we left [the mall]?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Yes."

-Mike Sheppard

"I don't have to go to the bathroom!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On peeing every five minutes. )

"I have something important to say to you!!"

-Henry Sheppard

"What is it?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Teddy peed in a bowl!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Tattling on his little brother )

"Why is Lucy curious about everything?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Because she is a baby. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"And because she has a small brain. "

-Henry Sheppard ( Showing his sibling love. )

"Henry, draw a big poop!"

-Theodore Sheppard ( Shouting out the front door to his brother drawing on the sidewalk )

"If I did, it would look like you!"

-Henry Sheppard ( #brothers )

"Don't leave without my lovely Mommy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Concerned that Mommy wouldn't make it to the car in time. )

"It tastes like honey bees is your tummy with stinky rotten socks!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On unprocessed sugar cane )

"Dad, you're too fat to go ice skating. "

-Henry Sheppard ( But a polar bear can skate on thin ice. )

"He still looks nice. He isn't funny at all. I will not laugh at him. "

-Henry Sheppard ( about a balding family friend, during a discussion on male pattern baldness )

"You're a 'P' backwards!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Insults from a 5-year old while working on homework )

"I want it to be LEGO. "

-Henry Sheppard ( On what he wants his baby sisters' first word to be. )

"Mommies are like a slave. How long have you been a slave mom?"

-Henry Sheppard

"About 6 years Henry. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( To her about 6-year-old son )

"Mom, you can be the mean dragon and Lucy will be the baby princess. I'll be the knight. "

-Henry Sheppard

"Teddy, who will you be?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"I'm a T-Rex! ROAR!!!!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"But we're living in a world of cheese..."

-Kristin Sheppard ( In a beegee's style sing song voice )

"That song is dumb. "

-Henry Sheppard

"...I got married to the Winkie next door, she's been married seven times before.."

-Henry Sheppard ( On Winkie the Eighth )

"Meat makes me faster!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Running around the room after eating some tacos. )

"Henry! What is best in life?"

-Mike Sheppard

"Going to school!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( That attitude will change. )

"You sound like a banshee screaming like a baby. "

-Henry Sheppard ( To his brother )

"Hulk is probably stronger than Ultron if he uses his rage."

-Henry Sheppard ( A 5 year olds' take on the Age of Ultron trailer )

"Mom, can you make me some lunch?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Sure, you can have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

-Kristin Sheppard

"What? Only one option?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Starvation is always an option )

"I'm going to count your ears! 1...2...3...5!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"You're being silly. There are only 3!"

-Henry Sheppard ( There are? )

"Who's going to be my game mate?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Could you say that again slower? )

"Mommy - your tummy is as it should be. "

-Henry Sheppard ( To his recently but no longer pregnant mum )

"Dad, babies sure are loud."

-Henry Sheppard ( On his new sister )

"You Sheppards are too late to see my picture, I just moped it up!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Drawing a picture with the mop )

"But I just cried and whined while picking up."

-Henry Sheppard ( On being told good boys would get a treat after all the legos were picked up. )

"Spaghetti heaven is our tummies. "

-Henry Sheppard ( At dinner )

"Mom! The smoke thinks you're beautiful!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( At a camp fire. )

"How come we don't poop with our ears?"

-Henry Sheppard

"What time is it when a lion eats your kangaroo Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Playing with a Kangaroo and Lion toy )

"5:30?"

-Henry Sheppard

"What time is it when a lion eats your kangaroo? Time to get a new Kangaroo!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Making some funnies )

"Mommy! My bones feel polka-dotty!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He blames the flu shot )

"I put my hand in cry water!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Very upset, and missing his pants )

"Mommy, this car does stink. It smells like cat butt."

-Henry Sheppard

"It was YOU!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Accusing his mother of throwing a paper towel at him )

"How do you know?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"Because I'm so smart!"

-Henry Sheppard ( We'll see if that holds up in court. )

"The Apples are red!"

-Theodore Sheppard

"Are they delicious?"

-Henry Sheppard

"Yeah! But they're not real. "

-Theodore Sheppard ( Discussing some artwork )

"Mommy! Teddy's making me bottom soup!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sounding very upset )

"Well, you don't have to eat it. "

-Kristin Sheppard

"Turn off the rain!"

-Henry Sheppard ( So that's what that middle switch in the living room does )

"There's an emergency at the boy's house. Wait a minute...THAT'S WHERE I LIVE!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( While playing Legos )

"I'm going to retire when I'm six."

-Henry Sheppard ( On life's big decisions. )

"Don't check in my pants Da Da!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Sitting in the corner, looking guilty )

"There's no Bears at the high school!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Near Olympia High School, home of the Bears )

"I want butt cakes Mom..."

-Henry Sheppard ( Prefers pancakes shape like butts )

"I have a bruise on my heart!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Hurt himself crawling around under the bed. )

"I don't want to be young again!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He's four. )

"I'm frozen in carbonite!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On why he can't take a bath )

"It's not going anywhere, it's stuck on there good!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On his bottom )

"Oh, I'm not turning into He-Man! I don't have the power."

-Henry Sheppard ( Big sad face. )

"You can't do anything for me! I just want to sit here and cry!!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( It was late, and he was tired. )

"And suddenly Henry has become a woman."

-Mike Sheppard

"I like licking cake!"

-Henry Sheppard ( I don't care if you like it. Stop! )

"1! 2! 3 4 5 Butt!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I want a blue bike for Christmas!"

-Henry Sheppard

"I thought you wanted a bike for your birthday."

-Mike Sheppard

"Oh I do. I've been tricking myself."

-Henry Sheppard

"Daddy you're being a good boy. You listened to me. "

-Henry Sheppard

"I'm coughing on this day. "

-Henry Sheppard ( After coughing. )

"I don't need resolution, I'm just a boy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( After being told he needs resolution. )

"Rascally female! Where is she?"

-Henry Sheppard ( Learning from Daddy. Mommy is not amused. )

"Say butt mama! Say butt!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Thinks butts are pretty funny. )

"I'm not going to say butt. "

-Kristin Sheppard ( Winning the argument? )

"OH, that not big snake poo-poo..."

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset about his latest BM )

"Mommy, are you happy? Can I have candy?"

-Henry Sheppard ( In a concerned little voice )

"Recue bots stop singing! Now rescue bots roll the the rescue after singing!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Playing with Rescue bots. )

"I want it to be Christmas Eve again!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Where is that music coming from? It's going into my ear!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Somewhat alarmed )

"My underpants! I love them!!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He is easily pleased. )

"Butt paste not for mouths!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Looking at his brother with a look of contempt )

"It is broken. Daddy needs to fix it."

-Henry Sheppard ( Showing his Mom a broken christmas ornament. )

"Where's the rest of the ornament?"

-Kristin Sheppard

"In my pants."

-Henry Sheppard

"Come on baby wipe my face!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Hold on to your hat!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( During a Christmas movie while Santa was flying in his sleigh. )

"Henry! Stop that or Daddy will destroy all life on earth!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Parenting at it's finest. )

"No!!!! Don't destroy all life on earth!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Henry saved the world )

"You can't laugh at dinner time!"

-Henry Sheppard ( He prefers a somber thanksgiving. )

"Are you looking for mama's marble?"

-Henry Sheppard ( To his father, who was digging around in the closet )

"No Teddy! Don't see my eyes!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset that his brother was looking at him. )

"Henry, can I tell you a joke?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to distract his son from SADNESS )

"No!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not falling for it )

"A horse walked into a bar! The bartender took one look at the horse and said : "MOOOOOO!""

-Mike Sheppard ( Telling a 'joke' anyway )

"I not like that!"

-Henry Sheppard ( The sentiment was unanimous around the house )

"It looks like a Christmas tree. But not a real Christmas tree. It doesn't have presents."

-Henry Sheppard ( While holding a half eaten Popsicle )

"[Listen to Daddy] or I will destroy you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his youngest son Teddy )

"No! Don't destroy Teddy! He's my brother!"

-Henry Sheppard ( With a very concerned look on his face. )

"He got a cheek-stache!"

-Henry Sheppard ( About his brothers whipped cream mustache on his cheek. )

"Should you ever eat a cat Henry?"

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"No!!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Of course you should! If it's delicious!"

-Mike Sheppard

"No cat's delicious!"

-Henry Sheppard ( How does he know? )

"Our car isn't dirty so we don't need to go to the car wash. "

-Mike Sheppard ( To his son )

"Yes are do!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Really wanted to go to the car wash )

"No Thomas for you!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not sharing Thomas the train with his brother. )

"No Soup for you!"

-Mike Sheppard ( Henry didn't get the Seinfeld reference. )

"Ted! Move your butt! "

-Henry Sheppard ( To his brother, who was in the way. )

"Get away from my home Teddy! "

-Henry Sheppard ( Upset that his brother was in his laundry fort )

"Raisin Bran makes me poop!"

-Henry Sheppard ( We've all been there )

"Meema [Grandma] Sheppard is a Turkey Man!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Happy Turkey is one of his favorite catch phrases )

"Yuffie throws up. Yuffie needs medicine. Yuffie a yucky kitty."

-Henry Sheppard ( A two year old's take on his vomit prone cat )

"What are knockers for Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Henry calls binoculars 'Knockers' )

"Mommy's shirt!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Maybe he understands more than we think )

"No Henry eat poop!"

-Henry Sheppard ( On things that should not be eaten )

"What does the moon look like Henry?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Her 2 year old is a fan of the moon )

"Pickle!"

-Henry Sheppard

"Mama's knockers!"

-Henry Sheppard ( While holding mommy's BINOCULARS. )

"Mommy so old!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Be careful what you say to a toddler )

"Touch meat! Touch meat please! Henry touch meat!"

-Henry Sheppard ( A toddler upset he wasn't allowed to play with raw ground beef )

"What did the snake do?"

-Kristin Sheppard ( Asking her son to recount his recent terrifying experience with a snake )

"Scare mommy!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Who ran away, jumped in a pool and cried when he saw the snake )

"Do you want a new diaper or do you want your head chopped off?"

-Mike Sheppard ( Trying to trick a toddler )

"Head chopped off!!"

-Henry Sheppard ( Not falling for it )

"Baby!"

-Henry Sheppard ( In response to 'who do you want to read to you tonight, Mommy or Daddy?' )

"And it was at that moment I realized that I was cooler than my father."

-Henry Sheppard ( Spoken by Mike Sheppard while interpreting the look on his sons' face )