"I'm thinking about taking that fake poop to church."
-Danica Rieck
"That's not lingerie. That's a prank."
-Danica Rieck
"We're arguing about your dad's perception of me blowing farts at Thanksgiving. This is ridiculous!"
-Danica Rieck
"It's really hard to let a good joke go just because it's inappropriate and in front of your kids."
-Danica Rieck
"Do you want a knuckle sandwich???"
-Johanna Rieck
"No! I want you to punch me in the face!"
-Danica Rieck
"Eli, I have your phone."
-Danica Rieck
"...I resisted saying "b'doan" after that."
-Danica Rieck
"I've found cheese in some weird places, but never in my back pocket."
-Danica Rieck
"Honey, please talk quieter so our children don't get scarred."
-Danica Rieck
"That's SO weird! Not only did your vasectomy not work, but it made you have Mexican babies!"
-Danica Rieck
"I want to be a backup dancer for Justin Timberlake."
-Danica Rieck
"(unbridled snorting laughter)"
-Eli Rieck
"Guess I'm crossing that off my bucket list."
-Danica Rieck
"Riverdancing mixed with pole dancing. That's what I do."
-Danica Rieck ( It's just hard to imagine, but when I get there, it'll be hilarious. )
"I'm sorry you're not very good at being a Mexican gangster, honey."
-Danica Rieck
"When I farted, I had to give up."
-Danica Rieck
"THAT'S what I'm gonna ask Abraham Lincoln if I ever see him - 'Why no mustache, Abe?'"
-Danica Rieck ( I'd just woken her from a dream )
"You know what you are? A hot hunk of burning love... I was gonna say 'dipwad' but I changed my mind at the last second."
-Danica Rieck
"It's always risky pulling an uncle's finger."
-Danica Rieck ( to her daughter )
"I'm probably more high and brain-dead than I realize."
-Danica Rieck
"Anything for you, you son of a bitch."
-Danica Rieck
"That's marriage. To a T."
-Eli Rieck
"I don't have time to put on my pants the right way!"
-Danica Rieck
"Jojo, is Daddy pretending he has boobies by holding up wine glasses to his chest?"
-Danica Rieck ( I have no idea why she said that. )
"I love you. You're handsome. Yadda yadda. Put your tooth in."
-Danica Rieck
"I don't know why I took all my clothes off."
-Danica Rieck ( truly perplexed )
"Can you imagine if your kid was born with a perfect Hitler mustache?"
-Danica Rieck
"WE'RE DOOMED!"
-Eli Rieck
"I just tried a "yo mama" joke on my daughter. That doesn't work."
-Danica Rieck
"Jeez! He's gonna keep you busy all night with all of his sharts!"
-Danica Rieck ( Newborns are great )
"Can't I go on a bender? Pleeeeeaase?"
-Danica Rieck
"Eli! There's no safe way to set a baby on fire!"
-Danica Rieck ( for obvious reasons )
"Giggling, when you don't know where it's coming from, is the scariest thing possible."
-Danica Rieck
"We'd be so much more outdoorsy if we were paralyzed."
-Danica Rieck ( We're too tired to go for a walk, but man, those motorized wheelchairs sound awesome. )
"You look like an Iranian woman that works construction."
-Danica Rieck
"I am both happy to see you AND I have a salami in my pocket!"
-Danica Rieck
"Would you rather say "nipples" in front of your parents, or "vagina?""
-Danica Rieck ( Tough choice )
"Did I just start a cult?"
-Danica Rieck ( ruefully )
"Golly, I'm not feeling too well."
-Eli Rieck
"Maybe it was something you ate."
-Danica Rieck
"Well I have been mauing on those rotten pies."
-Eli Rieck
"These shoes make be feel like I am pretending to be an adult."
-Danica Rieck
"You are an adult, in fact you are getting quite old."
-Eli Rieck
"It's crazy how you can be almost thirty-six years old and never once thought about an orca pooping."
-Danica Rieck
"I always thought that I might die young."
-Danica Rieck
"To late for that!"
-Eli Rieck
"I thought you were being so sweet until I heard the song."
-Danica Rieck ( Apparently the classic "Dead Puppies" is not considered good lullaby fare )
"Honey! Whatever you're doing, stop it!"
-Danica Rieck
"What if I was running to get you chocolate?"
-Eli Rieck
"From the bathroom? That's poopoo!"
-Danica Rieck
"You know... you don't make it easy to work on my eye rolling problem."
-Danica Rieck
"Johanna, I am going to sort your blocks according to color! DO NOT interfere!"
-Danica Rieck ( someone needs too learn to play nice. )
"I don't know what it is if it isn't humpin' turtles."
-Danica Rieck
"Aw crap. It's always me who has to pray after inappropriate stuff."
-Danica Rieck
"Gosh! Your eyes are like... I was gonna say 'mud,' but that's not romantic."
-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )
"Knock it off! I'm trying to be romantic!"
-Danica Rieck
"You made the poop face first!"
-Eli Rieck
"That's the wine talking."
-Danica Rieck
"The wine knows what it's talking about."
-Eli Rieck
"Woe! I only had one sip of wine, did we just have an earthquake?"
-Danica Rieck
"Honey, I'm sorry for making the food so good."
-Eli Rieck
"It's okay. You're keeping me in my winter coat."
-Danica Rieck
"That squeaks?"
-Danica Rieck
"Ours doesn't."
-Eli Rieck
"I'm sure it does. I just never thought to squeeze it there."
-Danica Rieck
"Clam chowders so rich."
-Danica Rieck
"That's what I should be for a living! Clam chowder!"
-Eli Rieck
"What's this world coming to, Johanna? Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned, aggressive peek-a-boo?"
-Danica Rieck
"Stop! We were having a really nice moment until you pretended to poop!"
-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )
"Your creepiness makes me feel like running."
-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )
"If I looked like that I'd be mortified!!... no offense."
-Danica Rieck ( to her darling husband )
"You went in with bed head and came out looking like a 1950's greaser guy, that's some bathroom!"
-Danica Rieck
"That's a quote!...if it wasn't totally humiliating."
-Danica Rieck
"The world gets bigger with every sip of coffee."
-Danica Rieck
"Please be the answer to all our problems."
-Danica Rieck ( while opening the mail )
"You're so beautiful, you'd be easy to exploit."
-Danica Rieck ( to her 4 month old daughter )
"Control daddy; control the world!"
-Danica Rieck ( to our 4 month old daughter )
"I can't get enough of these crackers!"
-Eli Rieck
"You're so racist."
-Danica Rieck
"What if Gordon Ramsey doesn't cuss at all? They just strategically bleep him for ratings."
-Danica Rieck
"Drunk dialing, drunk posting - bad. Drunk messaging, nobody's said anything about."
-Danica Rieck
"I'm Johanna's own personal rock star."
-Danica Rieck
"I guess there are worse things than your husband sneaking imitation cheese behind your back."
-Danica Rieck
"If I can give birth, I can return clothes at the mall."
-Danica Rieck
"Aww, she's embarrassed."
-Eli Rieck
"It's okay, baby. Mommy and Daddy fart. Mommy and Daddy don't poop their pants..."
-Danica Rieck
"I should have considered giving you the finger."
-Danica Rieck ( she means 'to suck on' )
"I don't care about what happens with people I don't know."
-Danica Rieck ( after looking at her husband's facebook page )
"Unless it's reality television."
-Danica Rieck
"I was gonna look up green poop!"
-Danica Rieck
"You never know when your dad could be sneakin' around with a gun."
-Danica Rieck ( so true )
"That's the sincerest form of flattery."
-Eli Rieck
"Mockery?"
-Danica Rieck
"You're gonna have to wait till I poop."
-Danica Rieck ( after pretending to eat Eli's soul )
"Don't accuse me of not being grumpy."
-Danica Rieck ( she's pregnant )
"We're eating baby peppers. Isn't that so sad?"
-Danica Rieck
"You know... they don't just kick you out for that. They arrest you."
-Danica Rieck ( earnestly )
"I've probably eaten more of these than I realize...and I realize I've eaten 10."
-Danica Rieck ( in regards to fresh baked brownies )
"Eli! We can't keep buckets of rotten meat in the backyard!"
-Danica Rieck
"If I was on acid this part would be so awesome."
-Danica Rieck ( after winning solitaire on the computer )
"You think your sexy look can distract me from your suspicious ways?"
-Danica Rieck
"With your parents coming over, it'd be nice to not have my buttcrack hanging out."
-Danica Rieck
"Well, when you taunt when you're on the pot, you run the risk of... um.."
-Eli Rieck
"Finish it so I can quote it."
-Danica Rieck
"Did I look threatening when I did that?"
-Danica Rieck
"No... but a little bit like Gary Busey."
-Eli Rieck
"You're beating the baby!"
-Eli Rieck
"No, I'm giving her a rhythm."
-Danica Rieck
"I guess I can't play innocent when I'm sitting here knocked up."
-Danica Rieck
"By the way, I'm not enjoying this music. I'm trying to make the baby smart."
-Danica Rieck
"I'd rather that than your parents catch me peein' in the yard with no pants on!"
-Danica Rieck
"Maybe it's something about you being here. You relax my urethra."
-Danica Rieck
"Sometimes I wet myself a little when I cough real hard."
-Danica Rieck ( On the side effects of pregnancy )
"I wonder if there's a movie called "Fart Pizza.""
-Danica Rieck ( turns out there's not )
"You stay just the way you are!"
-Eli Rieck
"Off my rocker?"
-Danica Rieck
"That's just how I like you honey, a little off your game."
-Danica Rieck ( She was just about to call him "smooth" until he tripped. )
"I'm radiating deet, I'm going to die of cancer first if that's any consolation."
-Danica Rieck
"It is."
-Eli Rieck ( Taking some comfort in his being swarmed by mosquitoes )
"I'm adding 'guilt trip' to my repertoir."
-Eli Rieck
"I'm adding 'indifference' to mine."
-Danica Rieck
"That's the creme de la crop!"
-Danica Rieck
"What can I buy for five bucks that's like... AMAZING?"
-Danica Rieck
"At least we didn't get murdered."
-Eli Rieck ( putting a positive spin on a car break-in )
"That shouldn't be our standard for a good life."
-Danica Rieck ( putting it in perspective )
"Honey, that's so sweet. Is that the alcohol talking?"
-Danica Rieck
"You're not supposed to laugh at my insults, you're supposed to get pissed off!"
-Danica Rieck ( how can you not laugh at "A-butt"? )
"Don't feed me wine and then tempt me to pee on the couch!"
-Danica Rieck
"It's all fun and games until you get arrested one day out of the blue."
-Danica Rieck
"I can't imagine a better candidate for Antichrist."
-Danica Rieck ( speaking endearingly believe it or not of Ellen Degeneres )
"CLEANUP ON AISLE TWO!!!"
-Danica Rieck ( from the bathroom )
"I'm not cleaning the kitchen, I don't have time."
-Danica Rieck ( on her way out to babysit for the evening )
"Good! I'm not either!"
-Eli Rieck
"This isn't a solidarity thing dear."
-Danica Rieck
"GAAAAAHHH!!!!"
-Eli Rieck
"I do NOT want my baby to have a mustache. That's the LAST thing."
-Danica Rieck ( who is not pregnant )
"Wow, she pees more than you!"
-Eli Rieck
"See, I'm not that bad! You just needed a pregnant woman to give you some perspective!"
-Danica Rieck
"Is that crazy look in your eyes love?"
-Danica Rieck ( asking hopefully but sceptically )
"Is that crazy look in your eyes love?"
-Danica Rieck ( asking hopefully but sceptically )
"I know we don't really see eye to eye on candle safety but...it could be worse."
-Danica Rieck ( to Eli Rieck )
"I love life!...it's my favorite cereal!"
-Danica Rieck
"They say the 3rd time is a charm...this is only the second."
-Danica Rieck
"I'd rather eat dinner late than have a dead husband."
-Danica Rieck
"Do you think you have time to at least shave haphazardly?"
-Danica Rieck ( to eli Rieck )
"We can watch that movie 'cause I don't have to take drugs or anything tonight!"
-Danica Rieck
"You're not strong enough to clean the WHOLE kitchen."
-Danica Rieck
"You're right, I'm not."
-Eli Rieck
"ELI!!! You're supposed to fall for it!"
-Danica Rieck ( this is the 3rd part of the quotes below which wouldn't save properly )
"Eli, You always, always look like Ricky Martin in the morning."
-Danica Rieck