"Y’ought not have said that. It’s too late now."

-Bill Reynolds

"I think it’s past the statute of limitations."

-Larry Gruginski

"I’m gonna make meth!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On buying chemistry equipment )

"She’s only 26! And she’s already screwed up her life. Or made herself very famous."

-Bill Reynolds ( On YouTube stars’ debatably wise body modifications. )

"She disagrees with all aspects of my life."

-Bill Reynolds ( On his wife )

"Shoulda married his wife. She was fun. She wasn’t super attractive but she was fun."

-Bill Reynolds

"You got screwed over. Nobody likes you."

-Bill Reynolds ( Keeping the staff motivated at a staff meeting. )

"That ain’t his wife!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Don’t worry. It was. )

"If they don’t remember their lines, what are you going to do? You have to beat them!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On keeping the cast members motivated. )

"All right. You guys and my wife. Why don’t you just marry her!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Taking advice from his staff that his wife also gave. )

"She had two or three pairs of black lace underwear on the floor. And she was making pots of Chili without beans. That’s all I remember."

-Bill Reynolds ( Memories of Yakima )

"He pees like a little Chihuahua on the carpet."

-Bill Reynolds

"Santa drank too much milk. He needs to go pee."

-Bill Reynolds ( On meeting the mayor of Olympia )

"That was back when inappropriateness was OK!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Office emails )

"If my doctor starts smearing stuff on me he better put gloves on first."

-Bill Reynolds ( On mammograms )

"You guys are out of control back there. Get your clothes off!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Motivating the troops )

"There’s something not right in her butt, that’s what it is!"

-Bill Reynolds

"A meth addict made me crash and burn. It was a real ordeal."

-Bill Reynolds

"That’s not how to comfort me. It’s not right! It’s wrong!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On his days in a band )

"Don't open that cooler in your front yard. It's got the guts of a deer!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On the joys of rental ownership. )

"Here this is your cat. It has extra toes. Then it peed on my Mom’s carpet so she had it put down."

-Bill Reynolds ( On growing up in Yakima )

"They can have their way with you too out there!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On why cruise ships sail in international waters )

"How do you tell a grown man he shouldn't eat rocks?"

-Bill Reynolds

"I'll show you a picture of some gal!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Threatening his staff )

"Just answer the question and you won't die!"

-Bill Reynolds

"Be careful, you don't want to shave the wrong area."

-Joshua Hudson ( To his boss )

"Or the wrong thing!"

-Bill Reynolds

"We wrecked them way back then. They said 'Oh this is disgusting'. No, this is paradise you idiots!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On topless island women )

"What we need here is for Satan to come in and sign all of our contracts in blood so that when they break the contract back they are summoned straight to hell. "

-Bill Reynolds ( On Government Service )

"You found a forge in a field?"

-Mike Sheppard

"With a Llama and a Goat!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Of course! )

"You don't want to go to sleep alone and wake up in the middle of a party."

-Bill Reynolds ( Good advice )

"Why are you mad at me? Am I the homeless guy shoved up against you?"

-Bill Reynolds ( To His Wife In Las Vegas )

"There's a rare few of us who can actually see dark matter."

-Bill Reynolds ( ... wait... what? )

"My wife is 'surprised' that I exist."

-Bill Reynolds

"My wife insists on a piano made out of actual wood and books made out of actual paper. She is a menace to trees! "

-Mike Sheppard ( On the difficulties of adapting to the digital age )

"And then when she's destroyed the planet and there's nothing left to eat but people, well she doesn't endorse that either!"

-Bill Reynolds

"He was eloquent like Jabba The Hutt!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Interview first impressions )

"With power comes fear!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Rallying the troops at a staff meeting )

"If my wife bought me a car with a monkey skeleton in it, I'd be very happy!!"

-Bill Reynolds

"I'm surprised by how many people are females and males down there!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On downtown Olympia )

"I think that cat's going to make me a lot of money!"

-Bill Reynolds ( You think it's a magic dancing cat, but no, it's a mummy! )

"I think I've stirred up my hairdresser!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On life's unexpected complications )

"...or you'll end up with an Ark, a baby and a hanging doll!"

-Joshua Hudson

"and some guy yelling night rock!!!"

-Bill Reynolds

"If I can get my mom to make that German chocolate cake I'm going to have that every year of my life!"

-Bill Reynolds ( On how adults should never give up having birthday cake )

"I wanted the skulls, so I had to take the hide to."

-Bill Reynolds ( Ebay Shopping )

"You can almost bet, that if there is someone in one of those places that is friendly, good looking, being nice, and makes you feel better about yourself, you better get away!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Meeting People In Vegas )

"I like jars because you can fill them with liquid and put body parts in them."

-Bill Reynolds ( On running a haunted house )

"Yeah, I bet they paid. Goat testicles!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( He's been jaded since a bad experience on eBay )

"I'd like to set up a flying crank ghost!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Creative outdoor lighting )

"He's going to take that guy who was in his wife's car to Seattle today!"

-Bill Reynolds

"I really only get men buying my stuff.. oh and strange little girls."

-Bill Reynolds ( Typical Shoppers? )

"I don't know about that self massage, but if your passing out your doing it to much."

-Bill Reynolds ( Bathroom worries )

"I would think it's pretty cheap for a porta-potty hooker."

-Bill Reynolds ( Capitalism at it's finest )

"I want roasted nuts! If I can't get some I'll roast my own nuts. Everyone likes roasted nuts.. "

-Bill Reynolds ( The ultimate vendor. )

"He said 'There is no reason to have that much muscle there!'"

-Bill Reynolds ( Complications during a vasectomy )

"I was called dick half my life.... At least I think that is why they called me dick."

-Bill Reynolds ( He came from Yakima... )

"You hungry people, GET AWAY FROM ME!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Zombies or Homeless At "The Church" )

"Dobey! Dobey! Dobey!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Standing at his back door in his underwear, trying to get his dog to come back. )

"Let that be a lesson! Don't stand at your back door in your underwear when you have people working back there!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Hired employees started a little earlier than he thought )

"My wife is very unusual. I mean VERY unusual."

-Bill Reynolds ( On matrimony )

"Get some young girls, get them some lights and put them on the streets at night."

-Bill Reynolds ( Optimal way to sell glow sticks. )

"It's kind of a rambling of retardednesss. "

-Bill Reynolds ( On his meeting notes )

"He seems anormal. He's not normal or abnormal, he's anormal. He's an Alien!!!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Describing a colleague )

"You don't put 'Dark Side of the Moon' on random playback or you come to papa and get a spanking."

-Bill Reynolds ( ??? )

"[A phone rings in the distance] It's my wife! She can't get up!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Following a recent surgery )

"Please! All you gotta do is lay on the bed in your underwear!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Other duties as assigned )

"Thirsty like a dog!"

-Bill Reynolds ( That's pretty thirsty. )

"You guys are smiling like you've been snacking on fingers from both of your children!"

-Bill Reynolds ( Awkward smiling )

"You didn't tell me you call him pillow butt. That's something to know!"

-Bill Reynolds

"You're going to have to something else with that goat!"

-Bill Reynolds ( dealing with a personnel issue )